Thursday, June 17, 2010

Principles above personalities

I have been really busy.  But even the busyness hasn't kept me from missing C.  I talk to her a couple of times a day, and she is enjoying her trip.  But she is wishing that I were there, and I am simply missing her.  This morning it felt almost palpable.  I did go to a noon meeting which has helped me to get the focus on myself once again. 

I do love my meetings, but the meeting on Tuesday night was not one that was as comforting as usual.  I co-chair the study group that occurs before the regular meeting.  We meet in the regular meeting room, and we stop ten minutes before the regular meeting.  At this week's study meeting we were studying Step Twelve.  We discussed service and how we practice the principles of the program in all our affairs, not just at meetings. 

After a half an hour into our step discussion, several people came into the room to wait for the regular meeting.  I told them that we had another 20 minutes to go before we were finished.  I also said that the people who just showed up were welcome to join us at the study group meeting which starts an hour before the regular meeting.  A fellow who told the others to just come on up and sit while we finished up then became irate.  I have known him for some time and never had anything but cordiality with him.   He said that he started the regular meeting and was not going to allow us to cause "problems". He said that anyone could walk in and participate at any time during the study meeting.  Then he said that he would make "damn sure" that we didn't keep people out. 

I was stunned by this.  I immediately felt that I had done something wrong.  I felt ashamed of myself for giving any impression that I was excluding anyone from a meeting.  And then I realized that I was doing what I have often done--I take the immediate blame for someone else's behavior.  And I realize that I don't have to do that.  Instead, I can be authentic and acknowledge that many situations have nothing to do with me. 

Even though I didn't expect to have a conflict happen in an Al-Anon meeting, such conflicts happen in regular life all the time.  Life happens and isn't always smooth sailing.  Regardless of what occurs, I do have the choice to practice the principles in every aspect of my life.  And for actions of others that I have no control over,  I can let it go without harboring resentment and rancor.  This happens much quicker than before.  I may feel badly for a short time but ultimately I don't need to be miserable for days.  Misery truly is optional.

16 comments:

  1. Gosh...it would have been hard not to reply with, "You know what...I hope you keep coming back."

    I am a little bothered that someone upset you....so how sick does that make me?? lol

    ReplyDelete
  2. "Suffering is inevitable, misery is optional." :) That said, what a douchebag! Okay, putting my sober, spiritual hat back on - I'm sure he was just having a bad day. I bet he makes amends next time you see him...

    ReplyDelete
  3. This happened to me and like you I was shocked. I had volunteered to chair at the last minute and the meeting went well and then the person who shared last looked at me and said I not going to sit here and be judged by you. I remember looking around thinking she was talking about someone else. She stormed out and was waiting for me outside the meeting room. Nothing happened one of the guys told her she would have to leave. I had never encountered that kind of conflict in the program. I had seen her before many times but I haven't seen her since. I remember how peaceful I had felt before I got to the meeting. I forget sometimes that we all are not in the same place at the same time.

    ReplyDelete
  4. so did you go back and talk to him about it?

    ReplyDelete
  5. Interesting how the flare ups occur in every aspect of life, even in recovery meetings. Things get ouchy when one person has a feeling of ownership of a meeting as in "I started this meeting". I attended three different meetings and at each one the same man led and it had to be his agenda and his meeting. He was only okay because it was his meeting. I decided not to go back. Every meeting is different and it depends how it is set up by group conscious at the beginning. I have been in some excellent group study meetings as I am sure you have. Sounds like you were able to finish the study group and move on to the regular meeting though. It would be interesting to hear what if anything each person attending learned from this little sideline.

    ReplyDelete
  6. the freedom that comes with letting others be who they are (without accepting bad or hamrful behaviour of course) is wonderful :-)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Relate to your share. This is where principals before personalities come into play.
    Yesterday I had a similar experience but i was a visitor to this group. I stepped back and watch it all work out just the way it was supposed to.
    It makes me laugh to think about it one particular woman I truly love has control issues. She was in her full form which makes me uncomfortable. Is she blind I often wonder? Doesnt she know I could fix her up and make her much better in the world!
    ha

    ReplyDelete
  8. Tradition 2: For our group purpose there is but one authority - a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern.
    It seems as though disregarding this tradition is much more common than I thought. The same thing happened to a group of us that did book study before a meeting, only the evict-er wanted us out of both meetings (the study and the actual meeting) because he didn't approve of studying the book!
    Your experience reminds me that no matter where I go or what I do, I'm still not unique. Dang.

    ReplyDelete
  9. You can ACT rather than REact.
    I think that is the difference.

    ReplyDelete
  10. We have had a few incidents like that in my meeting. It was clearly HIS issue. But I have trouble letting that stuff go and I work on it all the time. The toughest thing for me to overcome, I think. Carrying the hurt around forever over stupid little things like someone who "road-raged" on me. lol It all sounds so stupid now.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I would have beat his ass for talking to you that way, Syd. I'll bet you are glad I'm not at your meetings.

    You are right in all that you said. Maybe the guy was just having a crappy day and took it out on others. Either way, it's certainly not your problem.

    Love you.

    ReplyDelete
  12. You're dead right Syd, we are not the other persons life, so we shouldn't ttake it upon ourselves. Have a good weekend

    ReplyDelete
  13. When someone is irate at me, I seem to duck my head in shame and fear, and then I rear up in righteous indignation. How dare they? It's part of the process of coming to terms with someone else's personality. First I have the emotional reaction, then I have the response learned in recovery. It always takes effort on my behalf to allow people to be as they are and not to take it personally. I'm glad you brought this subject up.
    How lovely that you miss C. You talk to her TWICE a day??? What on earth have you got to say to each other? Ha ha ha. Wonderful!

    ReplyDelete
  14. I also found myself a bit defensive for you when reading this. On a side note, "principles above personalities" was the topic at both meetings I attended this week. Well done Syd.

    ReplyDelete
  15. True. "Misery is truly optional".

    ReplyDelete
  16. your account of your responses before and now are truly helpful Syd...a good reminder...and i love people's responses on here ha ha...good stuff...

    thanks,
    todd

    ReplyDelete

Let me know what you think. I like reading what you have to say.