Monday, August 9, 2010

Hell hath no fury

I wrote about a friend who called the other day to share her disgust with her boyfriend who got drunk and peed on her and the bed.  Now she caught the boyfriend in bed with another woman and has kicked him out.  She called early this morning to tell us that the degradation she felt was terrible, but the anger was much worse.  "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." 

So now the alcoholic boyfriend has been put out of the house, his belongings put in the garage ready for pick up, the boat that he helped our friend sail is off limits, the locks have been changed and he has a week to remove his old beat up truck and his stuff from her property.  He has virtually nothing--no home, no job, and no one to take care of him at the moment.  The weird thing is, he is actually an intelligent fellow with a great sense of humor......until he is drunk.  And when he is drunk, he becomes lewd and a bore to be around.

I am once again reminded that alcohol takes people to great depths of degradation.  And it cuts a wide swath through the psyche of both the alcoholic and those who are affected by the disease.  She gave him many chances.  I was wondering when she would reach her limit, as we all do.  She told me yesterday that she simply had to have proof, rather than trusting her intuition.  And he provided her with plenty of that and an image that will stick in her head for some time. Maybe he will get it one of these days.  Or maybe he will continue to slide further down without really caring when the end happens.   I find it all really sad. 

Yet in spite of her anger, our friend says that she wishes him well.  She understands that he has a disease,  but his comfort and his problems aren't her concern anymore.  She is going to spend time with her child and take time for herself and her needs.  She says that it will be a while before she trusts again.

Yes, it does take a while.  It takes enough time until the pain starts to fade and hope builds in the heart and soul.  We forget our fury and venture forth.  But not until things have been processed:


  1. Man that is some heafty paybacks.The sad this about drinking is that we can talkt until we are blue in the face to a preson that will not believe that they are not in control when they drink.It took me a very long time to get to that point.Yet here I am 19 years and7 months sober.that is one heck of a lot of one day at a times.

  2. Does the "My cheating boyfriend's car" sign really say "Don't mess with AZ girls"? I love it. I'm sorry for your friend. I know how she feels. And yes, it will get better.

  3. In one way I found the pics amusing -- but the reality of lies, betrayal, revenge and bitterness is so painful. And forgiveness can be a very slow and reluctant process.

  4. I wasn't sure where you were going to go with this one, and I'll admit I read each paragraph with some trepidation.

    I guess somehow I was worried that you were going to pass judgment on the woman for kicking the alcoholic out.

    It is a tough thing to know someone has a disease, but to also be caught in the crossfires of the disease's storm.

    I only recently had to ask my 19-year old son to leave and it is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life.

  5. The more I see the more I realize why I prefer the company of my friends. Which is why normally you will find me alone at the coffee shop.

  6. I think anger hurts a little less. But when the anger subsides, the pain is still there. At least for awhile.

  7. There are lines that can be crossed a few times and some not even once. Peeing on your girlfriend and then soon after wards having sex with another woman I do believe is one of those do not cross once lines.

  8. For me, I just like to know situations that someone takes a stand and decides to take care of him or her self. Living with a drunk is painful but when we take back the power and remember we are worth the work ourselves we can heal. This is a really good post, Syd, in lots of ways.It can be amusing but we all know differently.

  9. Thank God for our beautiful Al-Anon program. We get to grow enough to live through these kinds of experiences and maybe someday not have them at all.


  10. dude peeing on your girl is so wrong...drunk or can make you do some pretty dastardly things...

    those pics are pretty a sad kinda way...

  11. You know, it just takes that one time for the extra straw to fall to break the camel's back, for the scales to fall from the eyes and the heart to slam shut.
    It's a process and must follow its natural course. I wish your friend good luck in her new life.

  12. This post brought up a lot of things very quickly. All of my intimate relationships have ended in dishonesty and cheating. Only after being confronted was the truth brought to light. It is hard to say why this happens we all know that alcohol is just a piece of it but it is really deeper. Searching for relief from the pain where ever we can food, drugs, sex and control. A lot of pain in those pictures and more on the way. Being left touches the core of us and the secret fear we have of not being good enough.

  13. I am glad your friend realized her limitations, and that it's his disease. She is really strong to move on. You know it's funny I dated a man many many years ago that cheated on me left and right, and I knew it, but somehow my alcoholic mind kept telling me I would change him. Some day my own mind sickens me, but at least I can make different choices and my program is helping me accept the past....

  14. Thanks for sharing that. Your such a talented writter. I can't add anything to it except that I learn about me from you.

  15. Alcoholism in 6 words.broken hearts, broken promises,broken dreams

  16. I'm happy for your friend that she's moving on. How painful. I hope her ex finds his way, as well.

  17. wow Syd,
    i'm sorry for your painful...
    and her former alcoholic boyfriend....i like how you touched on his good qualities, but how booze unfortunately messes things up for him.
    i wonder if he'll look back on this and feel a lot of regret for messing up something good?
    thanks for posting,

  18. To Let Go, Let God- I think that picture says "Don't mess with NZ girls" but I could be wrong.

    I'm glad to hear this relationship is over. I felt so bad that she stayed after he peed on her, and with a child in the picture... all the more reason to end things.

    The photos you used are great Syd. I hope the women didn't get sued for the damage they did to the cars. :-)

    So many good comments on this one today too. Nice to read through them everyone. :-)

  19. It sounds as if even in pain, she's detaching with love and leaving herself a shred of self respect and decency. Sad deal.

  20. Woah....I used Window chalk and wrote on the rear window of my cheater's Pickup....the one I had just begun making payments on.

    Personal satisfaction at the time priceless....cost of true experience that it wasn't worth fighting for...cost me a lot, but I am grateful to have has he.

    Glad to hear she's sticking up for herself, and moving on!

    Great post, Syd!

  21. I wish I had more answers: I wish that girl well: I take it she has no kids with this guy? Cos that's when it gets really messy - it seems to me that you can never escape completely

  22. Wow. I didn't cheat but did lie to keep drinking and it killed my relationship...she walked away and it's been the darkest, most painful period in my life. I've gone through the Dark Night of the Soul...and now understand so much more about my f'ed up thinking and her responses.

    We met when I was sober - fell in love sober - then the drinking started again as I was going through a divorce, coming out and health issues.

    Bottom line - NOTHING is worth drinking. NOTHING.
    We've been apart for 106 days...I'm sober for 75...she's in Al-Anon...and we are going to sit down and talk about things next month.

    It's the Third Step in action - Thy Will Be Done. I pray for the peace to accept whatever happens - we both have love for the other...only love. We are both in recovery. We are both healing.

    I am so happy for the woman who left...the dude was obviously not going to do so. She endured too much! I know my girl was doing the detaching with love...she saved my life. I will always be grateful for her and that act.


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