Anxiety and dreams

After the way my day started yesterday, I thought that I would have nothing but a great evening and some good sleep.  Unfortunately,  I had a sad conversation with a friend, slept badly and had terrible nightmares.

I have written before about my friend D. who has been in a recovery program for nearly two decades.  Because of the decline in demand for the type of work that he does, he hasn't been employed for a while.  He has had a long-time dream to get his Captain's license.  And for the past few months, he has been studying hard to sit for the exam.

That all sounds good, but he doesn't have a good grasp of even the fundamentals of algebra.  A simple equation such as the 60D=S x T equation makes no sense to him.  I have gone over this with him, showing him how to solve for S and T.  He just can't seem to grasp it.  Last night, he was trying to work on some basic problems for the piloting part of the exam.  He felt utterly defeated because he did not understand the math concept.

I listened as he explained that he never did have any scholastic skills but was simply passed along in school.  And now, he thinks that his dream of becoming a captain will not be realized.  He has no idea what he is suited to do, other than dig ditches.  He is out of money and down on his luck.  Of course,  I felt terrible for him.  And I have suspected for some time that he may have ADD.  I want to encourage him to keep trying but can see how frustrating it is to not be able to understand some of the concepts needed to pass the exam.

School was easy for me.  So when I see a good friend struggling, I want to help.  But the math that comes easily to me, seems like Greek to him.  I am sure that there are tutors who work with learning disabled people and would do a much better job than I at explaining the basics.  But I realize that it is not up to me to make these suggestions to him.  I cannot fix this problem.  I may want to, but I can't make him succeed and achieve his dream.

So after our conversation,  I read for a long time hoping to relax.  I suppose though that the old anxieties of mine were awakened.  I had one terrible nightmare after another.  I was being chased by people who were trying to kill me, including my own mother.  I was being shot at and running for my life.  I jumped out the second floor of my childhood home and ran next door to my grandmother's house to escape the killers.   But my grandmother didn't believe me and let them in.

These dreams are in vivid color and seem so real.  I woke up, pulling myself out of the terror, and stayed awake for a long time not wanting to go back to sleep.  What kind of snakes are coming out of my head to cause such dreams?  I don't know but thought that they had something to do with anxiety awakened in me--fear of failure, unease about people, new challenges that are coming?

Thankfully, today has been laid back.  I went to a birthday party for a friend, went down to the marina and talked with some friends there, talked with D. who feels much more positive today, talked with my sponsor to make sure he is okay since there have been some health issues lately, and am now getting ready to read a bit before turning in. 

I am glad that I have a much more positive feeling tonight than I did last night.  I know that all will be okay for those that I love.  I have a lot of trust in my Higher Power.  I am not the solution, simply a fellow traveler on the road.

Sweet dreams to you.