Being present

When I first began my recovery in Al-Anon, I know that I wasn't totally present in a couple of relationships. One was with my wife, who I love dearly but had pulled away from in recent years because of resentment over her drinking.  I know that I felt a need to protect myself and make myself less vulnerable. Sometimes my body has been present and my mind hasn't been. Sometimes my mind has been present but my body has shut down.  During the first year of recovery, it is like the mind is made of mush.  Relationships are tested as I tried to understand who I was and what I was feeling.

I think that at the time I entered Al-Anon, I needed time out in the relationship. Maybe it was appropriate and healthy to shut down at that time. As my recovery has taken steps forward, I've focused on the things that I want to do.   But I've not shut my self off in the relationship anymore.  We are now much closer in many ways than ever.  I am available to do things with her.  But I also feel a freedom to do those things that I enjoy and she doesn't. 

I also found a change in a relationship that I had with a person who was my good friend before recovery.  I've basically let the friendship go because he no longer sees me as being the same person that I was.  I covered up the problem of alcoholism with him.  I didn't tell him about the difficulties in my marriage.  And when I did level with him, he was shocked and pissed.  My repeated attempts to call or contact the person were largely ignored. So during the amends, I saw that the other person had decided to shut down and no longer wanted to be available. I accept and respect that decision.  After making my amends, I pulled away and have heard nothing from the person. It's as if the friendship didn't exist. I think that I was unavailable to the friendship during the time when I started in the program. I was no longer present or the same person as I was before. 

It's hard to be present for those who knew me before recovery.  I have had to shift my focus.  But in doing so, I think that I made the decision to change the kind of relationship I had.  When I backed away from C. and my friend at the start of recovery,  was it because I needed some time to get my own head together? Did I need time to heal? To sort things out?  Most certainly I did.  But I may have also been using some old adaptive behaviors from my past in which I hid, ran or let go of relationships because I was afraid that I couldn't take care of others and myself.   Dog eat dog, run or be killed, hide or be found.

Today, I believe that in my marriage I have become a different person. I am no longer there because I felt I had to be.  I am there because I want to be.  In many ways, it's a much better relationship than before. Not as confining, not as predictable, not as filled with anxiety. It's as if I have become my own person and not an extension of another.

In recovery,  there are going to be relationships that we used to have that simply don't work out.  Friendships can be altered to the point where is nothing on which to base a friendship.  When recovery takes precedence during the first few months,  people are confused and hurt.  But my priority had to be on my getting well and being genuine.

Being present in relationships takes a lot of work.  I know that I never meant to push others out of my life to hurt them.  It was more a case of benign neglect.  After several years in recovery, I can see that some people who were once so important to me have grown distant.  That makes me sad. But perhaps it is a part of growth in recovery.  I need to be aware to handle friendships with care.   And to be present for those who still want to be part of my life.