Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Being present

When I first began my recovery in Al-Anon, I know that I wasn't totally present in a couple of relationships. One was with my wife, who I love dearly but had pulled away from in recent years because of resentment over her drinking.  I know that I felt a need to protect myself and make myself less vulnerable. Sometimes my body has been present and my mind hasn't been. Sometimes my mind has been present but my body has shut down.  During the first year of recovery, it is like the mind is made of mush.  Relationships are tested as I tried to understand who I was and what I was feeling.

I think that at the time I entered Al-Anon, I needed time out in the relationship. Maybe it was appropriate and healthy to shut down at that time. As my recovery has taken steps forward, I've focused on the things that I want to do.   But I've not shut my self off in the relationship anymore.  We are now much closer in many ways than ever.  I am available to do things with her.  But I also feel a freedom to do those things that I enjoy and she doesn't. 

I also found a change in a relationship that I had with a person who was my good friend before recovery.  I've basically let the friendship go because he no longer sees me as being the same person that I was.  I covered up the problem of alcoholism with him.  I didn't tell him about the difficulties in my marriage.  And when I did level with him, he was shocked and pissed.  My repeated attempts to call or contact the person were largely ignored. So during the amends, I saw that the other person had decided to shut down and no longer wanted to be available. I accept and respect that decision.  After making my amends, I pulled away and have heard nothing from the person. It's as if the friendship didn't exist. I think that I was unavailable to the friendship during the time when I started in the program. I was no longer present or the same person as I was before. 

It's hard to be present for those who knew me before recovery.  I have had to shift my focus.  But in doing so, I think that I made the decision to change the kind of relationship I had.  When I backed away from C. and my friend at the start of recovery,  was it because I needed some time to get my own head together? Did I need time to heal? To sort things out?  Most certainly I did.  But I may have also been using some old adaptive behaviors from my past in which I hid, ran or let go of relationships because I was afraid that I couldn't take care of others and myself.   Dog eat dog, run or be killed, hide or be found.

Today, I believe that in my marriage I have become a different person. I am no longer there because I felt I had to be.  I am there because I want to be.  In many ways, it's a much better relationship than before. Not as confining, not as predictable, not as filled with anxiety. It's as if I have become my own person and not an extension of another.

In recovery,  there are going to be relationships that we used to have that simply don't work out.  Friendships can be altered to the point where is nothing on which to base a friendship.  When recovery takes precedence during the first few months,  people are confused and hurt.  But my priority had to be on my getting well and being genuine.

Being present in relationships takes a lot of work.  I know that I never meant to push others out of my life to hurt them.  It was more a case of benign neglect.  After several years in recovery, I can see that some people who were once so important to me have grown distant.  That makes me sad. But perhaps it is a part of growth in recovery.  I need to be aware to handle friendships with care.   And to be present for those who still want to be part of my life.

17 comments:

  1. you know, unfortunately, I think I am finding that I don't know how to have a healthy relationship with anyone. And I'm not sure that I ever have.

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  2. I understand this so well -- thanks for such a thoughtful post Syd.

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  3. nice. yes being present is huge in relationships...and some change over time, attentions shift...i still value the time we could be present.

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  4. You gave me great insight into my own relationship with my husband. Trying to juggle AA, marriage, kids, work etc. this first year can be overwhelming. I tried to do it all at first, now I know it's ok to back off, to recover, and then to walk forward to be present.....

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  5. As we grow older (and hopefully wiser) we learn that some relationships are worth whatever it takes and some are just not.
    At least this has been my experience.

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  6. This is an absolutely perfectly timed post. It helps me understand someone in my life and what may be going on. Thanks for these insights, Syd.

    PG

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  7. When you say "I have become my own person and not an extension of another" it rings a bell here too.
    That is one of the best things about recovery for me in my marriage.

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  8. Very insightful, Syd. I know what you mean about people changing their attitude and feelings toward us when we change. It is as though we've broken a promise, broken the bargain. They are upset because we aren't playing the old comfortable role anymore.

    I'm dealing with a bit of this myself these days. Some members of my recovery group drifted away when I was in the relationship with D. Some because they didn't approve of me being gay (which I can't change for them); and some because they felt I had broken a bargain somehow. The true friends stayed. The others are quite distant now.

    Acceptance is a good lesson to take from that. We can't control their feelings or reaction toward us anymore than we can control other things in our lives - the alcoholic/addict with which we're codependent, friends, other codependent people.

    Though it is hurtful to lose a friendship you once counted on, I know that you will be okay. You are incredibly strong.

    Peace - D

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  9. I am not present when I don't want to face what is in front of me. me. I usually get busy in the lives of others or chores,anything to avoid the pain. When I am doing something acceptable or productive I don't have face my fears. Everyone thinks everything is fine and I keep pushing whatever it is down a little further. When I do this I feel dead inside. I am just acting. I can fool myself for a long time and then something tips the scales. My higher self refuses to pretend even for another day and I have a breakthrough. If I hadn't been so busy it wouldn't have taken so long to get there. This is how I have coped with pain since I was a child and it is a hard habit to break. It only hurts me. The progress is that I see it now and can accept and love myself even when I repeat this cycle. I know that I have done my best.

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  10. That was an excellent post! Thanks!

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  11. Great post, Syd! Being present is so important (and difficult!)

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  12. Ran across your blog a few weeks ago and have been popping over pretty regularly. I am a grateful member of Alanon, also ACOA, married to a man who "drinks too much". I love our program, and I am enjoying your blog!
    This post - great timing as I await a letter in response to one in my life who doesn't like my changes in behavior. It is a friendship that may or may not make it...we will see. Sad, yes, but the peace of the program gives me the courage to change, yes, even when it means letting go.
    Thank you for the thoughtful insight today!

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  13. Thank you for your very thought provoking post. We have to hope that the true and strong relationships in our lives can survive our recovery and grow with us. It sounds like you are in a good place in your life right now.

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  14. I have lost friends after starting my recovery program, my relationships with my siblings who still drink has changed - we've grown apart, and the friends I had that don't drink like I used to, those relationships have greatly improved. Friends that I have made since being in recovery (that aren't in recovery or necessarily need to be) don‘t usually know I am a recovered alcoholic. I did break my anonymity with one lady who I became very good friends with over the course of a year or two because she mentioned an out of town family member who was staying with her that is an alcoholic trying to stay sober, but his spouse wasn't supportive of this and so he rarely went to meetings. I told her if he needed to know where any meetings were in town, I could direct him and told her why I knew where all the meetings were. She immediately "withdrew" is the best word I can use to describe it, from our friendship and I rarely hear from her anymore.

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  15. good post. when married while my husband was in addiction, i felt the same way about withdrawing, but mostly i wanted to give up and leave. thankfully, i didn't. now that he recovered we have a deep, loving relationship - one i could only dream about before! it takes such monumental work to balance over and over again while in recovery. certainly it's getting better. all i can say is I am glad he never gave up on me either. friends come and go through lifetimes, some stay. i think those friends are the treasures we take to heaven!

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  16. I've been feeling the distance of this same sad circumstance. A friend that has been in long time recovery, told me when I started the program that "when you start getting healthy, sometimes people fall by the way side." What was funny was - I thought it would be by MY choice. That I'd see that I needed new friends. Or find new friends thru the program. But the reality is my friends are leaving me. In me, I feel healthier, a better person, more open to hear them but with boundaries . . . but the dynamics have changed. I can no longer offer the same in the relationship. I can no longer be in the game of those that are caught up in their addiction. The changes -to me - are very subtle. I'm not preaching. In fact, my qualifier, my son-in-law who is a dry alcoholic, doesn't even know I'm in the program. Nor does my daughter. And yet as my friend says "Addiction smells Recovery. And Recovery is death to Addiction." One of these relationships is 25 yrs old. But that's where I am today. It feels empty. It feels lonely. But my sponsor encourages me to attend more meetings. So that's what I'll do. Thanks Syd. Even though this was last yr's article, I knew I'd find support at your blog. Peace. JP

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