Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Eggshells

I used to feel a lot of self-disgust when it came to the topic of walking on eggshells to avoid the elephant in the room.  That may sound like something out of Dr. Seuss, but it is a very real and difficult part of living with an alcoholic. 

I have never considered myself to be passive or fawning.  In fact, I recognized that I was intelligent, outwardly confident, and highly responsible.  That was what the outside world saw too.  But after years of living with an alcoholic,  I found that I was pretty much giving up my true feelings and giving in to the feelings dictated by alcoholism. 

It generally takes years to get to the point where it is easier to walk on eggshells than it is to speak my truth around unacceptable behavior.  Living with alcoholism is sometimes like being in a war zone.  There are tactics and strategies that are employed by both sides to "win".   I know now that I will never "win" in an argument with an alcoholic.  I simply don't have what it takes.  It takes an enormous amount of energy that begins to wear down from subjection to the passive aggressive or just plain aggressive behavior characteristic of active alcoholism. 

I still have a lot of co-dependent behaviors.  There are times that I put up with something unacceptable to keep the peace.  I used to say that my problem was that I cared too much, but I now realize that I was simply hoping that some hazy expectation of normalcy would happen, even when faced with irrefutable evidence that it would not.  I still find that I tend to "help too much".  There are so many other behaviors that I have used too.  Some of them included angry outbursts, pleading, fearing, denying, bribing, trying to extract promises, and others that made me hide what I really thought in order to walk on egg shells around my loved one. 

Sadly enough,  the truth sometimes is still a bit bent in order to keep the peace.  I will hold back what I am thinking.  And if unacceptable behavior occurs,  I do often ignore it, although I have in recent years spoken up to say that what was said was hurtful. I have also learned that my happiness doesn't depend on someone else making changes in their life.  I can attribute the few weeks before getting to my first Al-Anon meeting where I was in such despair, to be the motivator that got me started in the process of no longer walking on eggshells.

Now I do speak my truth when something is unacceptable to me.  I also have learned that I can walk away and not engage in a discussion that makes me out to be the one at fault.  Alcoholism tells the alcoholic to protect their ego and the disease at any cost.  It whispers "You aren't wrong.  The other one, the "normal" one, is at fault."  Well, I'm here to tell you that I don't buy into that BS anymore. 

I used to worry and stress over my life because it seemed that I had everything and yet, I really had nothing that was making me happy.  I was such a mess.  I had to quit minimizing my thoughts and realize that what I was thinking about being unhappy and unsatisfied was real.  I am glad that now we can talk about things and bring them out into the open.  We don't always agree, but there is respect where there used to be none.  Disrespecting each other was one of the worst things for our relationship.  We each sought to tear the other down.  Now instead I see that we are doing our best in recovery to build each other up through compassion, acceptance and trust. 

And when that feeling of walking on eggshells comes around,  I ask myself "What am I doing for me to keep myself sane, serene, and spiritually connected?"

22 comments:

  1. Hi Syd- Found your blog when I did a random search for al-anon folks' blogs. I enjoy reading.

    I know eggshells well. I am struck by your line, "It generally takes years to get to the point where it is easier to walk on eggshells than it is to speak my truth around unacceptable behavior."

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  2. The reference to "walking on eggshells" is all too familiar. The crunching sound as I walk through
    our home is less than it used to be but it still occurs.
    Fear of upsetting the addict alters my behavior and makes the whole world sick. Learning more about my part in the illness frees me to live a fuller life.

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  3. this.... "walking on eggshells to avoid the elephant in the room" ....doesn't only occur in alcoholism. it happens in other families too. and how you describe it, your actions and re-actions, clearly show to me that there's still a lot of work left for me to do... i hope to join you in your peaceful spot one day...

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  4. I never found eggshells strong enough to bear my weight. I also never fear of not "keeping the peace" stop me from saying what needed to be said.

    I am happy for you though Syd, you seem like life has finally come around and your ship came in and you and C set sail upon her.

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  5. I certainly identify with much of this and I'm years behind your progress.

    Ain't life grande?

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  6. It is so important that where there was disrespect there is now respect. That alone would be a major reason for someone to get to a recovery meeting.

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  7. Pretty crunchy eggshells underfoot back then...and the elephant was a tigress.You could not defend against her if she attacked, because her bones were twigs from another disease. You could hold up the shield, or retreat. You might bar her way with a dull sword; but you learned not to escalate by engaging with words.Then when she collapsed, you had to phone for help.Many trips to the hospital later, you realized she retained no memory so accusations were fruitless. Shame ?
    oh yes. Anger and sadness ? Plenty. It was a long rough road to under standing. However the 12 steps and fellowship have provided a way out and eventually,healing.

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  8. Thank you for this Syd. Food for thought for me.

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  9. Thanks, Syd! That feeling of things not acknowledged and tiptoed around is an awful one. I like being able to live my life 'like an open book,' as one recovering person once put it.

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  10. you know...i know eggs shells...i used to be very choloric, tell you exactly what was on my mind...overcorrect quite a bit and finding balance once more...

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  11. I love this post. I never thought of walking on eggshells as something out of Dr. Suess, but I love the analogy.

    One of the first things I learned in Al-Anon is that I didn't have to make my alcoholics comfortable. Didn't have to tiptoe around the house because they had tied one on the night before, for example.

    I often still keep my thoughts to myself. Much of the time, what I might have said is not helpful or productive. I apply the slogan THINK. Is it true, honest, intelligent, necessary and kind? A lot of times what I want to say is not necessary. So I keep my mouth shut.

    But my sponsor suggests that if I really feel the need to say something, I can say it once. Then drop it. I call it the "say it once rule" and it's been very helpful to me.

    And when asked my opinion, today, I tell the truth.

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  12. I did this for many years, with the attendant self-disgust and resentment almost choking me. Learning to speak the truth has been freeing. My honesty to self and to my partner has had the unexpected result of a depth of intimacy unimaginable, when I was fixated upon trying to avoid the other person's anger.

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  13. I was thinking what Shadow wrote. Eggshells occur in lots of situations besides alcoholic homes. I grew up in that home where nobody disturbed the mentally ill family member, and married into my own home where I walked eggshells around my PTSD husband. all the while I was the drinker, to drown out the sound of the eggshells crunching.

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  14. When I lived with active alcoholism I walked on egg shells everyday. I didn't know that the anger my husband had was related to the drinking. I did feel at some level that I might get hurt if I pushed too hard. He never touched me but my instincts said lay low. When he left I was relieved to not live that way. We change our behavior without even knowing it. I still do it sometimes to keep the peace but at least it is a conscious choice and not too often. How important is it? is my first thought.

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  15. Wow. It's like looking in a mirror.

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  16. You've given me food for thought, I wonder if my husband is walking on egg shells still? I don't think so but I'll have to pay more attention.
    Thanks for the reminder.

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  17. Reading this was like you were reading my mind, I lived with an alcoholic for 7yrs drinking then 6 yrs sober only to have him 3months ago pick up a drink again, I can't walk on those egg shells anymore, So now I start my journey without the shells. Thankyou now I know i'm not alone.

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  18. I know eggshells all too well. Thank you for this post. I'm grateful to find my struggles are not mine alone.

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  19. Good post, Syd. I think the key word is "respect."

    I love you, buddy. Pat old dog for me.

    SB

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  20. how nice it is to have stumbled onto this Blog. It just gave me a huge burst of hope, and somethings to think about for today. we are just in the very early beginning stages of recovery and reading Syd's blog and everyone elses comments was like a ray of sunshine on my heart.

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