Thursday, June 16, 2011

Rain at last

We got some rain finally last night.  I think that everything human or not has heaved a big sigh of relief.  I am still leaving the horse trough filled with water for the deer and other critters as the wetland near the house is just moist and not filled with water as it has been.

We have been getting a lot of vegetables from the garden because of irrigation.  This is the first year that we have grown heirloom tomatoes.  They are kind of purple looking but so delicious! I had to get used to the color though. After smearing a little Miracle Whip on them, they looked and tasted just fine.

I have been a bit of a vegetable myself over the past couple of days.  I haven't been doing a lot in the yard or on the boat.  It has been really too hot to do much of anything. I am going out on the water over the weekend which will be good.  In fact, I have only left the property to go to a couple of meetings and to check on the boat. 

At one of the meetings I attend, we have one topic a month that focuses on Al-Anon literature.  Each month a different topic based on the literature is discussed. This past week,  we discussed loss in relationships from Al-Anon's Opening our Hearts, Transforming Our Losses.  It often feels lonely to be in a relationship with an alcoholic.  There can be a sense of loss although the loved one is someone we see on a regular basis. Even some people who are in recovery may feel left out and alone and grieve for how the relationship has changed.  It can be especially lonely in the first year of recovery.

I think that each of us has to figure out a way to get past the expectations of how we want another to be.  I know that my feeling of grief about the relationship came from what I wanted my wife to do and say.  Once I realized that I was not going to remake her,  I was able to accept and be patient as her recovery process worked.  There isn't an immediate evolution of the spirit for most of us.  It takes time to evolve in recovery to be the person who is happy, joyous and free.  And at that, it is still one day at a time.


  1. Those look like Cherokee Purples. I LOVE them. Some fresh mozzarella, basil, extra virgin olive oil and salt and I'm a happy camper. For the summer. :)

  2. we've had tons of rain here in the midwest.

    i love what you've said about relationships...i've brought a lot of this baggage with me outside of the alcoholic relationship.

  3. What comes to my mind lately, for me, is isolation in our disease. Still I often feel lonely. I think this is something I am going to take a look at this year.

  4. tomatoes...i hear you, it is easy to put expectations on others and get upset when they dont meet them, when sometimes they dont even know them...

  5. I've never tried heirloom tomatoes...just haven't gotten around to it....but I know that sensation of expecting one flavor, based on color, and getting a different taste. We have a burger chain called Fuddruckers that has a rainbow swirled vanilla ice cream that will blow your mind!

  6. Thank you...

    And thanks for mentioning Opening our Hearts, Transforming Our Losses. I'm struggling with a starting point in my private Al-Anon work, and now I'm thinking that present grief may be a good place.

    In case anyone else is interested I found an intro to this book here:

  7. wonderful insight once again. time is a great healer, if we let him be...

  8. the epiphany moments come as they will Syd.

    how much water do you want we have five lakes worth I can send you?

  9. Miracle Whip??? oh dear. I'm a fan of real mayo.

  10. I have read Opening our Hearts, Transforming our Losses. It really helped me understand that most of what I had been feeling over the years of dealing with an alcoholic was actually grief. It opened my eyes and my mind. I spent most of the day with that person yesterday. Afterward, I realized that I don't feel much at all about her, except I feel protective. I would protect her physically. That insight tells me that I've done most of my grieving for the person she was/the person I expected her to be.

    I check for your blog every day.

    Thank you.

  11. I'm so envious that you're getting 'maters already... All I have are a few blooms on my young northern plants lol I always look forward to home-grown veggies all summer long!

    I'm glad you're going to be able to get out on the water this weekend, I know how much that does for your soul.

  12. Something I've learned in my marriage is that when I want my Hubby to be something he may not be,I ask myself if that's really what I want from HIM or something
    I need to do for myself.For me.

  13. Thank you for your transparency and authenticity. In the rooms of Al-Anon I have been taught that an "expectation is a resentment waiting to happen." I’ve come to see that my expectations can be my way of trying to control another person, wanting them to be created in my image; this is futility and insane thinking, at the very least. I’m not respecting or valuing that person for who they are, even if I differ with their values and behavior

    My sons enjoy spending time with their dad. I believe this is, in large part due to the fact that my only desire is to help them become the person they want to be.

    Because of Al-Anon, I’ve learned that “I can respect another’s right to make his or her own choices, even when I strongly disagree. My relationships will improve if I can love myself enough to let other people be themselves. “ Courage to Change, October 29.

    I'm sweltering over here, on the Left Coast, the weather is a whopping 67 degrees, with a cool breeze and no humidity.

  14. I am stuffing myself with tomatoes. I am happy in my love. Okay. Yes. I have it all.

  15. Those are some happy tomatoes. Too bad they're not mine! =)

    I just started talking about why my daughter died on my blog - alcoholism at 34. Oh the blunders I made...


Let me know what you think. I like reading what you have to say.