Monday, February 13, 2012

Doing life

I seem to be doing life more and more without worry or fear.  It is a good feeling.  There are more days of utter contentment, even in the midst of those circumstances that baffle me and used to make me feel estranged from myself.

I like that I am doing life without the goal of trying to please others.  The people pleasing behavior is one of those things that children of alcoholics know how to do.  It never worked, and I would always be filled with resentment when my "good" deeds would go unnoticed or be glossed over.

I guess that it's not unusual to want to be liked or to please the people that we love or who are important to us.  But it seems that alcoholism has a way of warping how much pleasing I did.  Being ill at ease with who I was from the time I can remember,  I would try hard to fit in.  But I never could quite achieve a feeling of oneness with others.  Sure, there were moments of having a sense of belonging.  But overall, there was a feeling of not being a part of.

I hear these words said in so many meetings--"I didn't fit in", "I felt different", "I didn't belong".  And these are said by alcoholics and Al-Anons.  I recently heard that those who grow up around alcoholism don't have a data base to learn how to "do life" like other children do.  For many, growing up around alcoholism is filled with anxiety and tension.  The child doesn't learn to be a child because the moments of being carefree are short lived.  Not knowing what is going to happen next takes away the ability to relax.

I can remember times in my adult life where I did not feel fully present.  Those are familiar feelings from the past in which I was just going through the motions of pretending to be a child, pretending to like what was going on, pretending to feel comfortable, pretending to do life.

I understand this quote from Dr. Jan Woititz because it is what I have often felt:

"It is hard for adult children of alcoholics to believe that they can be accepted because of who they are and that the acceptance does not have to be earned. Feeling different and somewhat isolated is part of your makeup."

Getting comfortable in my own skin is part of recovery.  I know that I have come a long way because I am not striving to fit in with every situation, and I'm not judging myself harshly for it.

I now like to do things for others without expecting anything in return.  I now know that my friendship and love is enough. I don't have to give gifts all the time or take people places or do any of the other things that I would do whether I really wanted to or not.  I can do what feels okay to me, without strings attached.

Doing life now is about ease, not strife.  It's about being authentic and not pretending, not worrying about what others think, not looking for others to fill the hole or patch me up.  I've found my childhood as an adult.

18 comments:

  1. I see how this explanation fits in my life very strongly but here's something else- not everyone who has this need to please is the child of an alcoholic or drug abuser. I think that some of us are more apt by nature to take on this role. I see it in friends of mine whose parents were not abusers of substances. Weird. It's a hard notion to give up on. But worth it!

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  2. kind of depressing, but you have just explained my life.

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  3. i've come here almost by accident from walking man. good for you. you and that child inside you have put down a heavy load you never deserved. no need to be 'good enough'. fantastic!

    love
    kj

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  4. I saw a bumper sticker that said, "Its never too late to have a happy childhood." I loved that. And I love this post. I feel so blessed that at least at some point in my life I learned some of these lessons!

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  5. yeah man that is what life is really all about...be yourself...you got no need to try to fit in...

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  6. Oh yes indeed the people pleasing can suck me into the portal of resentment.
    Just recently I had another opportunity for growth with the PP factor...around work and boundaries.
    In the past I might have not chosen the right moment to speak up it's important to have the 2 second rule.
    Life is a long journey full of learning and growing...

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  7. I was never very comfortable in my own skin. I'm better now. My parents were not alcoholics but their parents were.

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  8. I am so glad for you. I've been struggling with the concept of "being nice." In my struggle I've discovered, I'm not so nice. What I am is honest. I just have to take the time to notice when to speak and when to stay silent. I'm improving, but I have work to do. I'm no longer a people pleaser, thank goodness. I find a lot of satisfaction inside myself. I'm glad you are able to find it there, too.

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  9. I found my childhood as an adult too, and now I think I am getting older again :-/

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  10. You have just described me and my life! It is good to know that I am not alone.

    Thank you for all your writing.

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  11. Great post Syd -- to pick up on what Ms Moon said, children who have been abused feel the same way, children who grew up in war often feel the same way, children orphaned young feel the same way. And on and on it goes. I think feeling secure and loved and free of the need to please others in order to earn love is quite rare.

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  12. You have given me the inspiration (and confidence) to make an important decision today. How nice it worked out that way...thank you, dear Syd

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  13. Being the alcoholic in the family saddens me when I read your words. They are so true. All three of my children (although very smart and creative) are still, at the ages of 50, 51 and 52, trying to find themselves.

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  14. I'm a "follower" of your blog and read it often, though rarely do i comment. Your journey inspires taking an honest look at my life and encourages me to be a better person. Thank you for this post.

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  15. I cannot tell you how strongly I identify with this. Thank you Syd. At the age of 56, I'm finally figuring some of this out, and your post was quite timely for me.

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  16. a couple things jump out at me here... I thnk there's a fine line between trying to be to service and trying to please others. I think we can tell when we've crossed the line because we begin to expect credit or reward.

    My wife struggles tto "fit it" in every situation she faces in life and it's painful to watch her struggle. I wish she would hit a little al-anon. I may try to find a way to lovingly sugest that. I know Al-Anon helped me understand some things several years ago.

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  17. Beautiful post Syd. Being authentic and not pretending... it's tough, but possible.

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  18. The last sentence says it all to me.

    I have found that I dont worry so much about others, but bring the focus in on myself to be sure I am in the right place. On the right path.

    For me its a lot of forward and back motion- but I like to think of it as a dance.

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