Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Senseless

I know that it is true that things can change in an instant.   Last night,  the mother of the young woman who looks after my MIL shot and killed herself.  J. and her fiance had just gotten home today from a week of much deserved vacation.  She got the call this evening about her mother's suicide.

I talked to J. a while ago about her dad's drinking.  Evidently, he had been sober for a couple of years but recently had begun drinking again.  J. told me that her mother really needed help because she was struggling with her husband's alcoholism.  And now this.  Alcoholism has claimed another victim.

C. and I cannot begin to imagine how difficult this must be for J.  She is an only child who has been planning her wedding to B. in February.  It's hard to make any sense of senseless deaths.  I don't have much else to say.  I'm just sorry for the misery that people have and the consequences of complete loss of hope.  It seems pointless to look for answers.  These words from David Foster Wallace who took his own life seem to help me somewhat understand:


"The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling." 


19 comments:

  1. my heart goes out to the young woman whose mother took her own life. I'm going to pray for her to be strong. It's so so sad.. that quote is an excellent view on what it is like to consider suicide and how the mind works at such a time. people can be heartless regarding suicide because it is incomprehensible unless you have known those thoughts. I'm so sorry, Syd. Even for those not directly affected, senseless deaths have a way of crawling inside a person and bringing on the weariness. I hope you and C can maintain equilibrium. This stuff spins me. Thinking of you all~ glynis

    ReplyDelete
  2. So sorry to hear of the loss for J. It seems so painful for those who continue to live in this world. Alcoholism can bring suffering.


    ReplyDelete
  3. I'm thinking there are no answers, really - just the pain, and the stopping of the pain, and the lessons that we as a society must learn in order to make things better for someone else down the road. My heart grieves for the mom and the daughter.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Such tragedy Syd -- and as the daughter of a suicide I know how hard it is to work through that particular trauma and loss.

    The DFW quotation shook me -- I have been trapped and felt those flames.

    ReplyDelete
  5. What a tragedy. I'm so sorry for the woman and her family.

    I've been suicidal in my past without really realizing it. I can't really speak for anyone else's experience, but for me, it was a last resort to escape the enormity of my pain. Lucky for me, I found alcohol instead. Slow suicide. Ugh.

    I don't mean to sound flippant. I've only recently begun to understand how buried my own depression was. However, one thing that struck me with your post was your comment that alcoholism claimed another victim. And maybe it's because of how I was raised, but my first response was that maybe the woman who killed herself had more going on than just her husband's alcoholism to blame. I had to wonder what kept her in a marriage that was dragging her down. I recognize this might be self-serving thoughts on my part. But I also have always felt strongly that no matter how crappy my parents or any other person treats me, in the end it's my own responsibility how I let it affect me.

    I hope I don't offend too badly with this comment. I must also add that (possibly hypocritically) I still feel a degree of anger at my parents and how it's made me work at being a better person in ways I hope I have not inflicted on my own kid.

    ReplyDelete
  6. oh man....sorry...will def be praying for them as they walk through this...suicide is so hard to come to terms with as well....ugh...

    ReplyDelete
  7. My belief is that it's just not always meant for me to understand. I can just process and continue on.
    Sorry for your loss.

    ReplyDelete
  8. And DFW sure knew what he was talking about. The terror finally overcame him.
    I have never attempted suicide but it is something I have certainly thought about before. I believe many if not most people have and yet, few talk about that.
    I am so sorry this woman felt that sort of terror and that it has touched your family. May there be some sort of sense of peace about it all- if that's possible.
    I wish I had words of comfort for that young woman. Of course I don't. I hope she is strong.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Oh Lord... I am so sorry for that baby girl who lost her mama. David sure does explain it clearly. :o( What must it feel like to be in such a desperate and dark place.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I have had moment where I felt like ending my life could be an option. I couldn't image living another day feeling that bad. I couldn't see any end in sight. I didn't do anything about it but I understand now why people make that decision. Sad for those left behind to make sense of it all and not blame themselves. We all hide a lot especially from the people who love us.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Another disaster connected to alcohol ... will we ever get a handle on this? I feel so sorry for her and can feel your sense of helplessness too.

    ReplyDelete
  12. This is heartbreaking. I'm praying for comfort. I cannot imagine the pain.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I am so sorry for that young woman,and I will keep her in my prayers. I worked for police victim services for 8 years, suicides cause pain to those left behind that not even homicide will do, because of the guilt, and the feeling that somehow, with more effort, with more thought, with more attention, it could have been prevented.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Oh God, I feel for the young woman. I'm glad she's been placed in a position to be near the hands of AA and Alanon where she might see and experience the hope in your family and example.

    ReplyDelete
  15. It is so very hard on the family when this sort of thing happens.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Hi Syd...haven't visited in awhile...I am so sorry to hear of this tragedy. Suicide has got to be the hardest kind of death to reconcile. Severe and chronic depression left untreated has dire consequences...at one point in time, it could have been me. Thank God for fellowship groups like Alanon who give hope and a peace to know that we are not alone, and that there is a way out of that kind of suffocating despair and darkness. Peace be with you and your friend.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Excellent quote.. haven't heard that one. Poor J.. Blesser.. All these kind thoughts from readers of your blog must be a comfort to her. I hope J has the courage to fearlessly process the grief that has invited itself to her doorstep. I find that if you try very hard to listen to what these visitors have to say, with warmth and kindness that their visit is enriching. Only when we chase them from the doorstep are they a problem. What you resist persists. If you hear them out. try to understand the way they think and try to make sense of it and put it into context. "Everything is teaching us" as Ajhan Chah says. Is J willing to be educated in kindness and compassion towards her grief? Not give in to it heedlessly but really look into it without the desire to chase it away. Like being an investigative reporter, with the added dimension of patient kindness. "The door to my heart is open to you Grief,..Come in" type of thing. Then pay attention and engage with it fearlessly. I'm glad she has you and C as friends. We have to respect everyone's path. Even those who have chosen suicide. There are many other great moments of her mothers life, so it would be a shame to focus solely on the last page of the last chapter, when there were so many other great moments in the book as a whole.

    another ajahn chah quote i like: "If your house is flooded or burnt to the ground, whatever the threat to it, let it concern only the house. If there's a flood, don't let it flood your mind. If there's a fire, don't let it burn your heart. Let it be merely the house, that which is outside of you, that is flooded or burned. Now is the time to allow the mind to let go of attachments."
    Thanks for passing the story on Syd..

    ReplyDelete

Let me know what you think. I like reading what you have to say.