Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Last rites

My mother-in-law was given last rites today by a wonderful Latino priest.  He was smiling and comforting to all of us. He even sang a little song at the end which was...well...sweet.

Mom has been in another world all day, just sleeping and not opening her eyes.  My wife thought that it was best to have the priest come because it doesn't appear that she will last much longer. She is no longer eating or drinking.  The Hospice nurse is giving her a bag of IV fluids to keep her hydrated. Other than that, her life is taking its course towards death.

I was doing okay with her dying earlier when I went to see her.  She was in her nightgown, covered by a pretty purple comforter.  I talked to her and told her that I loved her.  And that it was okay to let go now.  She doesn't move so the caregivers keep turning her to prevent sores.

I went to the grocery store and had to leave.  Night was coming on and the long shadows of the afternoon were just too sad.  So I only got part of the groceries and left the store.  I will finish the shopping tomorrow.  I simply couldn't be in the store another moment because I felt overcome with sadness.  I thought that I was prepared, but I suppose I am not fully ready to let her go yet.  I will come to grips on it but in the mean time, I simply have to feel the sadness.

Tomorrow, we will bring Pop over to see her.  We both are hoping this is the right thing to do.  But after so many years of marriage, it just seemed that it would not be good for him to not see her again.  I simply don't know.  These are things that I didn't learn with my parents' dying.  There isn't a right or wrong way. But we are feeling our way through this as best we can. Perhaps the priest will come back tomorrow and give some comfort to Pop.  I simply don't know.

33 comments:

  1. I am thinking of you Syd. This part of the journey is so hard. I am glad you and C had that time away to fortify yourselves for what is to come. It is hard but you will both be ok. You will all be ok.

    -invisigal

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  2. We are never ready. With my work in palliative care I have seen people do everything that needs to be done but death always comes as a shock. It may not be unexpected but it is still is a shock. And it hurts.
    Be very, very good to yourself.

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  3. Oh Syd, you are such a kind hearted soul. I'm so sorry. It's sad to watch someone's life wind down to the end. But how lovely for her that she is home, in her own nightie with her own blankets and its a quiet, peaceful place with low lights and people who know her and care about her are all around her. What a perfect last gift you and C are giving to her. I will be keeping you all in my thoughts over the next few days. ((Hug))

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  4. I am so sorry for all of you. It is a shock to the system.... a trauma no matter what. Be kind to yourselves and just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

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  5. Thinking of you and your wife during these times of loss.
    Whatever you decide with Pop seeing his wife, will be the right decision.

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  6. Oh Syd my heart goes out to you, C and her parents, There is no right or wrong way, so true, but it is a hard time. Take care and you are in my thoughts and prayers

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  7. I am so sorry for your pain. My prayers are for you and c and your fil. God bless you.

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  8. Follow your heart on all decisions and ....we always want a bit more time but in the end it turns out we have just the right amount.

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  9. I am so glad that you and your wife have your recovery to balance this life transition. I am especially glad that you just allow yourself to feel the feelings. Every death we get to practice our death. I think the Buddhist way of practicing death as a life experience is so much more realistic than shutting it off somewhere to deal with someday. Then when someday comes, we have no tools. I am 72 and have began accepting death as one of life's greatest teachers. My thoughts and prayers are with you. And, yes, I think your father-in-law needs that visit.

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  10. This is the hard hard stuff :( All we can do in the mind blowing sad moments is to take everything one moment at a time and keep breathing. I think you're doing the right thing with having your father-in-law visit. I agree with following your heart. Thinking of you and your wife. xo

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  11. There is never a right or a wrong way - just the way you feel is best and your heart is in the right place.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family today. Lots of love.

    Kelly

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  12. i def think him seeing her would be a good thing...i would hate for him not to get that chance regardless everything else...hugs man....hard stuff...when my MIL passed was one of the hardest points in my life honestly

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  13. I'm sorry Syd. You are poetic, and helpful to all of us by sharing this.

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  14. Thinking of you and C at this very difficult time. Take care of yourselves too.

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  15. I'm sorry, peace be with you my friend. Hugs

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  16. I am so sorry. The sadness is the hardest thing of all. It's like a weight on our hearts.

    Try to find some peace. You are a wonderful son-in-law.

    Sherry

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  17. Bless you and your famly, Syd.

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  18. You and C are both in my prayers at this time and blessings to your mother-in-law who is so cherished by you both.

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  19. Sending love to you, C. and her parents. You both have done your best for them. There's no "being prepared" even though we keep thinking that knowing the eventual outcome will somehow protect us. It doesn't. You're entitled to whatever feelings that come up.

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  20. What you wrote about the long shadows that made you sadder was so eloquent and described your emotions perfectly.

    My thoughts are with you and your family.

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  21. Keeping you, C, and her parents in my prayers. Glad you are allowing yourself the time to feel your sadness. Sending you a hug.

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  22. I think time stops and the world becomes distant when we are in the presence of death and dying. My you and C find comfort in each other during this time.

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  23. So sorry to hear of your sad times with your beloved family. Thank you for sharing xo

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  24. Oh Syd....

    God bless you and C.....giving back the gift the parents gave to you both....unconditional love.

    Holding you all in my heart,

    Christina

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  25. Syd don't be sad we know the rest of the story. Peace

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  26. It is hard but you will come out the other side, and because you are following your heart, you will be at peace with whatever decisions you have had to make. Wishing you and your wife strength. It is good you have each other.

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  27. Syd such a sad and poignant time
    thinking of you and your wife

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  28. I see that you posted this on Wed. Syd and now it is three days later and so much can happen in that time. I pray that you and C. have been able to handle whatever has happened in that time. I feel honored that you shared your deep thoughts and feelings with us ... it's such a good example of how we find comfort in our two programs. Sending love to you both.

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  29. I am so incredibly sad for you and C to go through this right now. There is no way around it but through it. We can't numb the bad feelings without also numbing the good. But this is so much harder on you, C and her Dad than on your Mother in Law. She is being called home. I will keep you all in my prayers

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  30. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family, Syd.

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  31. I just now read this - and am thinking of you. It's very very tough to lose our parents - even when we know its happening. God bless you & your family...

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