Sunday, October 25, 2015

Are you happy living with alcoholism?

I have heard a lot of people complain about living with an alcoholic. New comers come into a meeting, and most of what is shared is how terrible their life is because they live with a drunk.  And they are right.  Living with a drunk is pretty terrible.  In fact, it is sometimes like being in a living Hell depending on how abusive the drunk is.

If those who come into a meeting are lucky enough to hear something that is akin to peace in the midst of turmoil, they might stick around for more than a few meetings. The problem all too often is that the ears are closed and the mouth is open.  Listening is not something most of us do when we find an ear of another who is living with an alcoholic.  We want to tell war stories, talk about how awful we have had it, and generally unload all of our anguish and anger on others. And when no one tells us how to fix the alcoholic, we leave to head back to the salt mines.

I know how hard it is to listen when a person is in so much emotional anguish. And blaming the alcoholic is really easy and convenient. After all, aren't they really the cause of our unhappiness?  Would not life be better if they did what we wanted? We who are long suffering would then be truly free and happy in our own skin, right?

I don't know about you, but I don't know that I really ever felt comfortable in my own skin.  I am much more used to who I am now.  I still struggle though with awareness and acceptance of myself.  And because I am in a program of recovery that teaches me to take my own inventory and clean up my side of the street, I have gotten better.  I no longer beat myself up for my short comings on a daily basis or get mired in the self pity that would last for weeks, months, years.

I read blogs in which people struggle deeply with the alcoholics/addicts in their life.  They believe that the alcoholic is to blame for their unhappiness. I thought the same thing, until one day I realized that I was actually at fault also.  I was expecting everyone else in my life to do as I wanted because I had the answers for them.  I believed that I knew what was best for my wife.  "If only, she would stop drinking. If only she would love me like I love her. If only.......". Ad nauseum.

It took me quite a while to realize that my ticket to happiness was not about her. I stubbornly refused to embrace the idea that I was contributing to unhappiness in my life.  I thought that I was blameless until I finally got to a place where I could not longer deny my culpability in our failing relationship.

I know that people have to reach a point where the tipping point occurs. It is that point where you finally are so broken, sad, demoralized, and unhappy that you realize you are the one that needs help.  And that's when the alcoholic ceases to be the center of your world.  That's when you finally surrender and start working on your own life.

Plenty of people, like me, go for decades refusing to admit that they are the ones needing help.  I wasn't ready to stop trying to control and change another.  No way was I going to stop beating my head against a wall, even though it hurt like Hell.  So if you are still out there trying to change the alcoholic and are focusing all of your energy on him/her, then keep on doing it.  Eventually, one day if you are lucky you will finally realize that it isn't going to work.  Until then, you can keep recanting the same old stuff over and over about how awful life is with an alcoholic.  And have the pity parties with other people who are in the same sinking boat.

Keep on with that and see how things end up for you after a few decades. One thing that I am glad for is that I did surrender, and I did finally get into a program of recovery.  And so did my wife.  That is the miracle of the whole thing.  And what has happened for us is an incredible change in how we treat each other.  It took us a while to understand that changes don't happen overnight. But with almost a decade in recovery, we know that each day is a gift.

I know that there are other ways to find peace and happiness in your life.  Use every tool at your disposal.  I didn't happen to find what worked until I got into the rooms of Al-Anon.  I do a lot of service work and am willing to help those who want to work the steps or share their solution.  But if you decide that you have a load of caveats to recovery, then I suggest that perhaps you aren't willing enough yet.  I am working on myself every day.  And I am willing to help you along this journey of self-discovery too. I have found happiness living with an alcoholic. And I believe that the happiness is a daily reprieve from the sadness and anxiety that we experienced before we began our journey of recovery.


16 comments:

  1. What a blessing in your life these programs have been! You are such a good example of it works if you work it.

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  2. I think I needed to read this today. Same problem, wearing a different dress ...sometimes it takes me a minute to recognize it for what it is. Very good post.

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  3. I needed this too. I had a rough day yesterday with my daughter, but through out the day I kept reminding myself that I have choices. I think Im heading over to write my own post now.....and will be referring back to this fine post of yours. Thank you Syd.

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  4. I'm always so grateful to read your take on the spouse of the alcoholic so I can better understand my husband. Thank you for sharing because it truly helps.

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  5. Interesting take Syd. I drank for years, close to a fifth a night but was highly functioning holding down and doing two jobs. I think back an wonder as I read this what turmoil my drinking caused? No one was awake when I left in the morning or came home at night, very bill owed was paid, my 3 kids (so far) are not alcoholics, though I have concern for one's future. I don't know, I just do not know, i went into a 10 day dry out and never drank again--no one brings up those years.

    I know there must have been some effect on everyone but I simply do not know how yesterday correlates to today. It's been somewhere between 14-16 years since i had a drink, but I know how easy it would be to give up the fight and just say "to hell with it, i am retired in every respect. I own everything I have got and everything I have done. My wife simply moved ahead with me--leaving yesterday as yesterday. so I simply do not know if i had any profound effect when i was drunk on anyone. Few ever saw me wasted.

    On the other hand I just finished a rudimentary edit on a 350 page 1st person account/memoir/manuscript detailing a mothers struggle with her son's addiction to heroin which ended with his OD two years ago. That family went through hell but there is something in the writing that is not connecting with me--I think I understand her son's place better than I do her & her husbands.

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  6. Beautifully written. I think you should submit this to the Forum to be published. This is very real and true and the Forum needs that.

    Thanks for stopping by my blog the other day, I always appreciate your comments and support. :)

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  7. The words I needed to hear today. Thank you, Syd. I come by often to read, but rarely comment. Your thoughts always hold meaning for me. Planning to start working on ME today, and while I will always love the alcoholic, I'm hoping to do better about NOT trying to fix her.
    Trudy's Mom

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  8. Thank you for this. I truly needed to read it today, as I have had a big slip in my own self care and am focusing more on my partner's behavior. I am actually at the tipping point (again) and have a lot of fear coming up right now. I have to acknowledge that I am human, however, and can also reach out for help.

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  9. What a wonderful post, Syd. I am so sad that my husband didn't live long enough after I got sober to enjoy the sort of life that you and C have now.

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  10. I find it easy living with alcoholism,both my spouse and I are recovering ones and have been for almost 25 years. We will hit that great mark 17 December 2015,I personally have been in and out of AA ever since 1971 after I joined the USAF. it took being tossed into an Alcohol chemical dependance unit to get to finally wake up to the fact that I cannot drink. even my late Dad's works did not work on me "one was way too many and a Vat would never be enough"

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  11. Excellent! I've found peace living with an alcoholic wife who still struggles with teh bottle. The part about listening to a newcomer, I like to share hope that peace can be found and often share one small thing .... there hasn't been a cop at our house since I started alanon in aug 2011...that's a small miracle. Thanks agian for the post...

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  12. Excellent post. It is really a good example of saying it works if you work it. Very true it is. Thanks for sharing this.

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  13. As an alcoholic in recovery, its nice to read about what we put our family and friends through -- because in active addiction, we really can't understand the toll it takes. I also share my struggles and story at christopherkarl.com - We need to shine more light on this disease and try and rid the stigma addiction gets.

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  14. I am at my point, a year of my husbands sobriety has left me numb. I have been to alanon for over a year and I do not open up. I feel nothing I don.t have any emotions left the year has been all about him. I am proud of him for how far he has come. somewhere along this journey I lost myself, I need myself back. I need me and I don;t know where to look.


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  15. Oh, man. A lot of this rang true with me. When my girl went into treatment I thought my life would automatically get better. I was still having problems, though. It was hard to admit that I needed help, too. The family program at her treatment center (New Dawn, FWIW) pointed me to Al-Anon and it changed my life.

    Jeffery @ New Dawn Treatment Centers

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