Thursday, June 23, 2016

Getting By

The events of the past month have been unsettling. So much tragedy that I can't wrap my head around it.  So I do what I can to stay insulated by not watching the news, reading the paper, or doing outreach in the community.

I know this isn't good, but the feeling of being overwhelmed is real. Somehow, if I stay in my world, it feels better than constantly rehashing mass murders and the lack of our elected officials to do anything about it.

That the Orlando massacre nearly coincided with the anniversary of the Emanuel church murders in this city was difficult.  And I ask myself, "How many more?". I did not participate in activities planned to honor the dead. I worked on my boat, went to meetings, met with my sponsor, rode the horse and gardened. I feel jaded and tired of the arguing about guns, politics, religion and racial injustice.  Maybe we are moving forward in inches.  I can't see that, and it certainly feels as if we are moving backwards when it comes to giving up hate and divisiveness.

The summer heat has moved in and feels unrelenting.  I do most of my work in the mornings and evenings, otherwise it is unbearable.  Last night, I had terrible leg cramps which I tend to get when I have sweated to the point of dehydration. Irrigation is saving the garden which is producing well.  We are picking blackberries, tomatoes, cucumbers and green beans.

I have learned in recovery to not take things personally, yet I still do that on occasion.  I fight with the notions of rejection and abandonment.  Probably this will be a life long struggle for me.  My father comes to me in dreams. I wait for him and he does not show up. Instead, I find him drinking in a bar, or I walk home and find him drunk at the kitchen table.

In my last dream, I was pouring out bottles of booze while saying the Serenity Prayer.  I awake from these nightmares, shaking and disoriented.  It is PTSD, and I know that the best thing for me to do is to get busy and remember that the dreams are feelings that are coming up, flashbacks to pieces of events from long ago.

Am I happy?  I believe that I am optimistic and reasonably happy.  Some moments are filled with such joy that I feel incredible gratitude.  Other days, I am getting by.  Today is one in which I am getting by.  But that can change if I take some action to make the day better.  I plan on having a good dinner with C. after riding this evening.  Then we will pick blackberries and maybe watch a movie.  I have the ability to make the changes needed to have happiness.


  1. I know what you mean. I feel a lot of despair over the hatred all over the news. I too want to hide out in my safe haven and hope I'll wake umami have it all be a bad dream.

    Hang in there.

  2. Take care of yourself, Syd -- it may be a privilege or even luxury to be able to ignore what is happening to others in the world but those of us who are lucky enough to be able to look the other way need to take a break while we can. I get those childhood flashbacks too and we need to keep up the self-care. Your garden produce sounds delectable!

  3. The mind is a mansion with 100,000,000,000,000 to the third power number of rooms. some are simply best left locked and abandoned. There is no shame in not looking backwards Syd. There are plenty of other spaces to spend your head in.

  4. I've just been catching up on some of your posts. I'm sorry to read about your dogs Syd, its a huge loss.
    Your words; "but that can change if I take some action to make the day better" have made me think this morning.
    Its good to read your blog again. Enjoy your weekend x

  5. Syd,

    Good to hear from you.

    Darlene and I discuss the "meanness" in the world today. Don't know if that is a real word but it works for what we feel. We feel people have become meaner in most all fa gets of life. We see it in public, in the workplace and personally.

    I don't know what should be done but I feel it is reaching a level that the human experience is deteriorating to a point of isolation and that is not good for anyone.

  6. With todays media it seems like this is the worst it has ever been but there has always been death and wars in numbers much greater than today. It seems more intimate with instant news and pictures. I think all we can do is practice tolerence in our own lives and speak up when we hear words of hate. Keep peace in our hearts.

  7. What a lovely, powerful post, Syd. So real and raw in expressing your feelings. I so admire you.

    I feel as you do regarding the massacre, I was in Orlando visiting Jackson the day after. I went to the site, I wanted to pray for the families. I had enough energy at the time to do so. Some days, I don't and withdraw as you did to re-charge.

    You're a F.I.N.E. example of how it works and I am glad to know you.

  8. Dear Syd,
    I appreciate your transparency and authenticity. Revealing how the recent news affects you is not something I find in other blogs. Thank you, for modelling presence.

    My experience, strength and hope is that I have a community of emotionally healthy friends. With them I can process my feelings, including despair and frustration, with them offering me compassion.

    They don't judge my vulnerabilities. Time with them is healing. It is wonderful knowing their unconditional love and support. I can't handle life alone. I'd go crazy----and I spend much time alone, enjoying it.

    But, I also know the value of keeping good company.

    Thanks, again, for your honest portrayal of what's going on within you. You prompt me to be the same, in what I write and when relating with others.

    Hope to see you over at my place soon.

  9. Thanks for sharing.. It has been emotionally and mentally relentless in the UK since Thursday 23 June 2016 and the Brexit vote, but things had already started speeding up with shootings in Orlando etc. The FBI report has since shown that nobody was killed in the club until the police showed up. And a us judge has talked about this on tv.
    There has definitely been a dramatic increase in what I would call staged events. As somebody who listens to alternative news I am familiar with the disinformation tactics involved staging events such as the shootings in order to propagandise the public. Is a long time since I have watched the news as well. One of the easiest ways for me to wade through the slew of events is to listen to various alternative news podcasts. They watch the news so I don't have to to. They also analyse the disinformation in each news story which takes a lot of the effort out of doing that myself. I generally believe no news stories from mainstream on face value. No Agenda and Corbett Report and Guns and Butter podcast are very good.. they avoid drama. No agenda have been so busy with events that Adam Curry is losing sleep to catch up.. So it is not my imagination.. things are speeding up. And I'm sure this has an effect on everybody. I think being an empath in the circumstances is definitely more draining. Easier to take on the anxiety of all the other people who are repressing it. Sounds very hot too.. I’ve been reverting to smoothies to keep energy up.. raw food with chia seeds and spinach, spirulina..etc. So much happening. Sorry to hear about those dreams with your dad.. Ive been watching tv programme called the Dead files.. loads on you tube.. And although I don't really know I think the Woman in that tv programme looks like a convincing medium. She talks about how sleeping in dreams and mood can be affected by the dead, so I find dreams interesting for that reason. No doubt there is plenty of developmental trauma there, but your dad could be lost soul visiting you in your dreams because he's attracted to your good energy as well.. Either way it sounds like it definitely more hard work for you at the moment. Feels that way for me too.. Everybody I know who is somewhat sensitive is feeling the additional emotional and mental burden caused by the increasing new stories as well. It is designed to mess with out heads and throw us off balance for sure.. ‘shock and awe’ they call it.. Anyway thanks for sharing Syd and I hope you take good care of yourself while things are a bit harder work..

  10. this bother me as well,but the fearmongering has got to stop as well. makes me think of the song by Barry McGuire "Eve Of Destruction". sorry I hjave not been aroud to visit much.

  11. Missing you, Syd. And hoping you are well and in gratitude today.


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