I know this isn't good, but the feeling of being overwhelmed is real. Somehow, if I stay in my world, it feels better than constantly rehashing mass murders and the lack of our elected officials to do anything about it.
That the Orlando massacre nearly coincided with the anniversary of the Emanuel church murders in this city was difficult. And I ask myself, "How many more?". I did not participate in activities planned to honor the dead. I worked on my boat, went to meetings, met with my sponsor, rode the horse and gardened. I feel jaded and tired of the arguing about guns, politics, religion and racial injustice. Maybe we are moving forward in inches. I can't see that, and it certainly feels as if we are moving backwards when it comes to giving up hate and divisiveness.
The summer heat has moved in and feels unrelenting. I do most of my work in the mornings and evenings, otherwise it is unbearable. Last night, I had terrible leg cramps which I tend to get when I have sweated to the point of dehydration. Irrigation is saving the garden which is producing well. We are picking blackberries, tomatoes, cucumbers and green beans.
I have learned in recovery to not take things personally, yet I still do that on occasion. I fight with the notions of rejection and abandonment. Probably this will be a life long struggle for me. My father comes to me in dreams. I wait for him and he does not show up. Instead, I find him drinking in a bar, or I walk home and find him drunk at the kitchen table.
In my last dream, I was pouring out bottles of booze while saying the Serenity Prayer. I awake from these nightmares, shaking and disoriented. It is PTSD, and I know that the best thing for me to do is to get busy and remember that the dreams are feelings that are coming up, flashbacks to pieces of events from long ago.
Am I happy? I believe that I am optimistic and reasonably happy. Some moments are filled with such joy that I feel incredible gratitude. Other days, I am getting by. Today is one in which I am getting by. But that can change if I take some action to make the day better. I plan on having a good dinner with C. after riding this evening. Then we will pick blackberries and maybe watch a movie. I have the ability to make the changes needed to have happiness.