Honoring my self

It is cold and raining here.  We have a fire going which I'm sitting next to and typing out this post.  Having a good fire is comforting, reawakening some primitive part of us humans.  And the fall colors are incredibly vivid for this part of the coast.  I drove down our road yesterday and was struck by the trees and the leaves falling gently to the ground.

Yesterday was the men's meeting.  We talked about keeping the focus on ourselves, not in a selfish way but in the sense of owning our own needs and naming them in a relationship rather than seeing the other person in the relationship as the source of all problems.

We did not get very far into the reading before there was a lot of discussion about what part of our selves we have given up over the years.  For some, it was about not having any real sense of self because of being alcoholic.  Not wanting to own any part of being responsible to another was certainly one of the things that we talked about.

And then there was my take on this which was feeling overly responsible to others, to my job, to organizations to the point that I was morphed into whatever others wanted me to be, putting my real needs on hold.  Inside was, and is, the vagabond spirit that wants to be free of responsibility.  So the trick is to balance what I want to do with what I need to do.  I want to sail to some faraway places, but now is not the time to leave my wife to deal with her parents and the farm.  I talk with her about my dreams and wants.  I share my feelings with her and don't hold back.  That has opened up a lot of good discussions and brought us closer together.

I realize that my sense of self has been at times muted and altered.  Just that awareness is helping me to be more mindful of sharing who I am with those I know, without being concerned about what they might think.  It is an ongoing process.