Sunday, September 18, 2011
The open AA meeting last night was huge. People kept coming until there were about 40 people where there usually are around 15. It's a Big Book study which is good. I enjoyed listened to the shares on the chapter "We Agnostics". I think that the question of a Higher Power is what has kept a lot of people away from Al-Anon. I remember when I was struggling with the whole Higher Power concept. Being a scientist, I want facts. Instead what I found was faith. I am not religious but can believe that there is something more powerful than me. And there have been too many coincidences to think otherwise.
I was never too sure about all the religious teachings that I learned as a child. Not much seemed to add up. But what I like about spirituality is that I simply need to have faith in something and have a willingness to believe. I am glad that each person comes up with a concept of a Higher Power. For me, it is cosmic energy---something that connects me to other people and to every living thing. That connectedness is sacred. With some people, I feel such a strong connection that it is as if I have known them all my life. With others, I have to let the layers fall away in order to see who they are. And be open and willing to not judge.
This is difficult stuff for me. Yet, I have felt so much peace since I was willing to believe that I am not all powerful. That was quite a burden to carry for a long time--thinking that I had the power all by myself. Let me tell you, there is strength in numbers. I don't have to do any of this alone. I don't need to power through life without a helping hand, or without faith. I can reach out, call someone, share a problem, ask for help. It is much better than having to always rely on myself for solutions.
I have learned that there are some things that I will never solve. There are people that I will never change. And that is okay. I can let those things go. I no longer try to figure out everything. And amazingly enough, a lot of worry has been removed.
One of the most symbolic ways for me to let go is to open up my tightly clenched fist and laying my palms flat, visualize a release of what I have been trying to control. I may not have the answers for those who are agnostic. But for me, I have seen enough powerful things at work in life to realize that there are miracles afoot. I am grateful to have my eyes wide open to all the possibilities.