Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Talking about amends


Last night at my homegroup, we discussed Step Nine. The meeting was something that I really needed as I'd had some unresolved stuff floating around in my head since the weekend: A resentment of a good friend who decided to let his alcoholic behavior come out.

I've seen him throw tantrums before so it wasn't anything new. I have become tired of them though. And generally the tantrum is such wasted energy that could be channeled into something productive. Becoming angry, cursing and yelling masks not only the real problem but the real solution as well. So I found myself taking his inventory in my head.

So I am glad that we discussed amends last night. We shared about the amends that we made that weren't accepted. My sponsor has had a few of those. And I have had one of mine ignored--not exactly not accepted but ignored at the expense of some judging comments tossed my way. A great thing about Step Nine is that by going to make the amends without expectation of the outcome, it's okay if the other person ignores, rejects, or accepts what we have come to say. And that's because when I made my amends, it was a great feeling and one that made me feel relief and light in my mind and body.

So I'm not going to channel any more thoughts into someone else's misery. My friend will deal with whatever is going on without my presence. I'm moving on to more productive thinking and putting a "not for rent" sign in my head.

14 comments:

  1. Rxcellent words that I can live by, Syd. A great reminder.

    Thank you.

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  2. I'm looking forward to amends with trepidation & excitement. Thanks.

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  3. I find it so difficult letting go of resentments, I guess if I am honest I do let a lot of people rent space in my head but I am learning all the time.
    The new way of living is very liberating, I guess AA is like an instruction manual for life

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  4. Oh please don't nail anything to your head! That might hurt and the dr that picked at your buckshot wound would just pick at it again.

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  5. "Expectation of the outcome..." Oh my, so THAT's been my problem? (I'm serious here.) Thanks, I 'needed' that.

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  6. Its so hard to not let others alcoholic mannerisms effect us Syd.
    Even after all the years we invest in our own recovery-it can still effect us-but with the right tools we learn to detach.But it can be frustrating at times.I understand that one well-and I appreciate you sharing this.

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  7. 'stick with the winners' i hear a LOT.. the healthier i get the more i pick up on others 'stuff' - i find myself actually FEELING it..

    i just read this by ken wilber "we are all 'transmitting' our present state to each other all the time. If you are depressed, it can be 'contagious', depressing others around you. When you are happy, others tend to get happy." he goes on to explain how advanced yogis and saints can make you feel power and peace. WHERE ARE THOSE PEOPLE!????? is what i wanna know. they ain't here in Mississippi that's for sure!!

    for my own sanity lately, i TRY to stay away from half-crazed self-centered people (WAIT - that's ME! most of the time). anyhoo - you know what i mean i hope!! i do try to find the happiest, healthiest, most positive people to hang out with

    i enjoyed this post very much :) thanks for sharing with us

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  8. Great post. I find that when I don't have many or any expectations from other people that I'm expecting something from it makes things easier for me.

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  9. Love the "not for rent" sign. I need to remember that.

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  10. I wanna be you when I grow up, Syd. I don't expect that time to be anytime soon, so, until then, you get to be you for a while longer.

    You're such a wise soul. :o)

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  11. I need an "EVICTION NOTICE" for my thoughts. Just trying to stay in the NOW! How difficult is that? Practice...Practice...Practice. Arg!

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  12. I normally have trouble getting over these things or letting them go. I think I am getting better at it now thanks to Alanon; I hope so anyway.

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  13. I just went over step 9 myself last week.
    Very freeing! (at least for a few days)...
    ;)

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Let me know what you think. I like reading what you have to say.