Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Forgiving ourselves

The topic at last night's meeting was how to make amends to ourselves. Not unlike the alcoholic, I came into Al-Anon with a lot of baggage. I was unhappy, emotionally bankrupt, and fed up with so many things, most of all the alcoholic. I was ready to leave my marriage.

Gradually, in baby steps, I began to see that instead of blaming my problems on alcoholism, I needed to look at what I was doing. So by turning the magnifying glass on myself and working the steps of the program, I came to realize that I needed to acknowledge my own role in things. It would have been easy to get stuck in my own self-flagellation about what a bad person I am and how selfish and dishonest I had been in the marriage.

Instead, I learned that for all those character defects that I had, I had a lot of positive assets as well. I also learned that by talking to my sponsor and to my Higher Power, I could share those things that had been rotting my soul. It was a major step towards forgiving myself and letting go of the past.

So through the program, I've come to realize that the things I've done are human things, and that beating myself up over the past keeps me stuck in self-pity. I've learned that my Higher Power isn't vengeful but understanding. And that if I trust, have willingness, faith and humility, then I can move forward to the present and leave the baggage of the past behind. That's how I learned to make amends to myself.

15 comments:

  1. You make it seem really clear syd, sometimes in recovery its not easy to see wood for the trees.
    Feel content and happy today, shopping tonight

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  2. i greatly appreciate your post! an important 'lesson' to learn that is!

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  3. I need to look inward more often I think, thank you for the post. Cat

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  4. It is certainly worth remembering that we do have good qualities, and many of our actions were done with a loving heart. It is easy to fixate on the mistakes. Nice post.

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  5. Syd, you are one of my favorite people, I just love what you write.

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  6. Good topic to post on. Thanks.

    I am a work-in-progress to finding self-forgiveness.

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  7. Excellent post and need to keep as a daily reminder....we were given many good things from God. He delights in us, his children, as much as anyone.

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  8. Thanks for writing these posts. You always make me think, and remind me to acknowledge life's journey with an open mind. We do all have good qualities that help us get through the bad.

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  9. I need to find some meetings, but am a little scared. Maybe a lot scared. I wasn't sure what I was scared of, but after reading this I think you've nailed it. Blaming it all on his alcoholism is a hell of a lot easier than owning up to any issue I might have or facing myself and all my precious faults.
    Thanks for this post.

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  10. My favorite saying is "when we knew better, we did better" I think that is probably true for both our programs.

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  11. For me, the basic meaning of AMENDS is CHANGE. (Amendment to a Constitution?) So, I guess, as I MADE amends to others (yes, "sorry" was a part of that) by changing my behavior--in that sense, I "made amends" also to myself.

    But (I'm sorry) I must be careful how much "forgiving" I do for myself. I'll let God take care of that, I've got too much living to do! SELFLESSNESS is what I need to acquire. Self-Centeredness WAS my problem (and still is, of course!)

    Maybe I'm off track here, but life DOES get better and better as time and life continue.

    So true, is that I don't try to think LESS of myself. Just try to think of myself LESS...someone said that here couple days ago.

    Peace, to all you bloggers.

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  12. "Beating myself up over the past keeps me stuck in self pity"~~I like that.

    I must admit though that I do not feel I played a role in my son's addiction.

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  13. I see again more in your words, we dont look for others to blame but look at our parts in whatever has gone wrong and improve and learn lessons about our own shortcomings

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  14. I think too that we need to forgive before we can forgive.

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  15. I am a "double winner" and am at the 8th step with my AA sponsor. It has been a revelatory process...not always easy...but in the end rewarding.

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Let me know what you think. I like reading what you have to say.