Are you a giver or a taker?

When this topic was brought up at a meeting, I immediately knew which category I fell into. I have been the giver.  Or at least that is how I thought of myself.  I would be the one who would do for others, go the extra mile at work and at home. And as a result I would end up being pissed if I didn't get recognized for all that I did.

I was taught at a young age that it was better to give than receive.  I was told that an "only child" could be perceived as spoiled but that wasn't going to be my lot.  I was to think of others first and then think of myself.  And this is where I learned to give.

I learned that being a giver and a pleaser was much better than being a demanding taker.  If I was not demanding, then I didn't cause problems for teachers, for friends, for parents and so on.  I remember the shock and dismay when I thought in fourth grade that one of my teachers didn't like me.  I did my best to please her, but none of that seemed to work.  What I have come to realize is that she didn't dislike me at all.  She simply didn't cater to me and my people pleasing. 

My fourth step inventory showed me that my giving was really done to get what I wanted.  So if I wanted to be liked, I would give in hopes of getting something in return. But when one has expectations of a payback for all the giving, and then receives little in return, it doesn't take long for a big resentment to develop.

In a relationship with an alcoholic who often is a taker of the self-centered and narcissistic variety,  the tug of war is bound to happen.   Somewhere along the way, the giver in me got worn out and the taker came in to balance the books.

Fortunately in recovery, there have been some role reversals. I am no longer the manipulative giver that I was.  I have learned to flip the tape and ask for what I need.  Being in this relationship is about balance.  And the alcoholic in my life is no longer the taker but a willing and generous giver. 

The giver/taker attraction is strong in a co-dependent relationship.  Some of the things that I have learned in recovery have helped with changing how we relate to each other.  I have learned to focus on myself and my needs.   I have lowered my expectations so that I don't expect anything in return when I give.  I can take what I like and leave the rest in a relationship.  I can inventory my part and be aware when giving creates a resentment in me and my partner.  The little things that are given are often the most important.  The roles of giver and taker are fluid and not static.  

Maybe the real solution comes when the two of us realize that we are both getting something from each other with unconditional love as the unspoken goal.