Thursday, July 8, 2010

Are you a giver or a taker?

When this topic was brought up at a meeting, I immediately knew which category I fell into. I have been the giver.  Or at least that is how I thought of myself.  I would be the one who would do for others, go the extra mile at work and at home. And as a result I would end up being pissed if I didn't get recognized for all that I did.

I was taught at a young age that it was better to give than receive.  I was told that an "only child" could be perceived as spoiled but that wasn't going to be my lot.  I was to think of others first and then think of myself.  And this is where I learned to give.

I learned that being a giver and a pleaser was much better than being a demanding taker.  If I was not demanding, then I didn't cause problems for teachers, for friends, for parents and so on.  I remember the shock and dismay when I thought in fourth grade that one of my teachers didn't like me.  I did my best to please her, but none of that seemed to work.  What I have come to realize is that she didn't dislike me at all.  She simply didn't cater to me and my people pleasing. 

My fourth step inventory showed me that my giving was really done to get what I wanted.  So if I wanted to be liked, I would give in hopes of getting something in return. But when one has expectations of a payback for all the giving, and then receives little in return, it doesn't take long for a big resentment to develop.

In a relationship with an alcoholic who often is a taker of the self-centered and narcissistic variety,  the tug of war is bound to happen.   Somewhere along the way, the giver in me got worn out and the taker came in to balance the books.

Fortunately in recovery, there have been some role reversals. I am no longer the manipulative giver that I was.  I have learned to flip the tape and ask for what I need.  Being in this relationship is about balance.  And the alcoholic in my life is no longer the taker but a willing and generous giver. 

The giver/taker attraction is strong in a co-dependent relationship.  Some of the things that I have learned in recovery have helped with changing how we relate to each other.  I have learned to focus on myself and my needs.   I have lowered my expectations so that I don't expect anything in return when I give.  I can take what I like and leave the rest in a relationship.  I can inventory my part and be aware when giving creates a resentment in me and my partner.  The little things that are given are often the most important.  The roles of giver and taker are fluid and not static.  

Maybe the real solution comes when the two of us realize that we are both getting something from each other with unconditional love as the unspoken goal. 

23 comments:

  1. thanks syd...i needed to hear this tonight...i am a giver as wel...but i can sometimes become resentful like that...

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  2. This has been a life-long lesson for me and I think it can be summed up by saying that no one loves a martyr. Believe me.

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  3. What a perfect photo to illustrate your post! I struggled with the mental tally this past Christmas when I started evaluating what I got vs. what I gave and got resentful. How sick is that! LOL! So, still working on the giving without expectations...

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  4. I have to say that I'm a taker. I like to think that my awareness will keep from taking it over the top. I will say that when I AM generous, it is well received. Nothing is black and white.

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  5. This was really good. The dogs are precious.

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  6. Interesting post... I spent most of my life being a giver, and at some point became enormously resentful about it and spent some years being a taker. So instead of the pendulum making small swings, it swung on a grand scale. Now I try to live mindfully, with discernment.

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  7. I am both a giver and a taker. I was told recently that when I truly "give" something to someone, I should do it for "fun and for free" and let go of any expectation associated with it. still working on that...

    good post Syd.

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  8. Great post and topic. And that picture of the dogs is just adorable. I love it!

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  9. Syd,
    I have mostly been a taker. I was a spoiled brat as a youngster--very doted upon. However, I believe I learned a lesson with my failed marriage. In my current relationship, I'm really trying to focus on making my partner happy. So far, I don't feel like I need recognition when I do this. He is a good guy, and it is mostly returned (give and take). I would like this relationship to last.

    Love you. Have a great weekend!

    SB

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  10. I've always been a taker unfortunately. It's something I work on daily, I pray to do God's will. I want to give now, I want to give what I have. Thanks for sharing this Syd, it's a wonderful thought for anyone to ponder.

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  11. great observation today, and I love the photo especially. :)

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  12. I was the giver and thought I had to please everyone... what I received in return was approval and admiration. I am learning to give without expectations, and to take time for myself. Insightful post, thanks.

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  13. I've mostly been a giver in my life, but I give with an expectation of something in return which isn't right. I've given in hopes of getting some love, some appreciation, or some respect in return. And of course that rarely happens. It's a great post, and something to really think about.

    I also like Kim A's follow up post on her blog, so thanks for inspiring her as well.

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  14. Great post! Life long lessons for me as well.

    Thanks so much for stopping by my blog, by the way!

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  15. Thanks for this post Syd, very interesting. It's amazing how looking at things differently mean a huge shift in our understanding.

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  16. What a great post. Love the progression through your enlightenment. A wonderful achievement in your relationship. I know I'm still somewhere in the middle of your post, but you made it make so much sense.
    God bless & thanks.

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  17. Hi Syd -

    I've been reading...but haven't commented for a while. I thought I was the giver for many, many years but in reality I would take also. Now, it's more in balance. I usually give without expectations...well usually I expect a thank you...and I can take easily!

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  18. Apologies for not being around for a while. It is so difficult to just BE isn't, I have so many angles, edges even when I am giving its because I want something in return.

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  19. I spent so many years whining and complaining about all that had given and feeling resentful for all that I gave until I began working the steps and especially step four. Big surprise that I was not a giver at all. Opened my eyes and helped me to learn to see to my own needs and to know it is healthy for me to take care of me. I stopped resenting and let go of the past. Not to say that some things were definitely painful and even traumatic but I learned how to leave it in the past and live fully in the present. I like the way you write about being a giver or a taker in this post in a clear and unemotional way.

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  20. Thanks, I thought I was giving unselfishly until I did my 4th step and found I was trying to suck everyone else dry. So self-righteous. The light bulb came on and I'm working on my expectations. The dogs are a wonderful example, they both look very content with their place in the world..serenity.

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  21. This is a wonderful post. I missed it, somehow, until Kim A. pointed it out. I also "gave" in a people pleasing way. Always with expectations, leading to quite a few resentments. But I was also a taker in a big way. Selfishness and self-will is my #1 character defect. God is beginning to remove it, little by little.

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  22. I am grateful that I even "get" what you are saying about all of this! Doggy kiss! AWWWWW!

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  23. I guess my "take" on the topic is a little different. I do not believe the world is so divided. And I don't believe in the verbs. I believe in giving and receiving. I don't believe one is better than the other. I just think that if we are given something, the most enriching thing we can do is to find a way to pay it forward without expecting anything in return.

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