A day full of errands and meetings has me tired this evening. I went to the noon meeting, met my local sponsor for lunch, worked out doing interval training, got clothes to the nursing home, had a sailing club meeting tonight and am finally getting a few moments of quiet.
Tomorrow we are going on the boat for the weekend. A good friend of mine has offered to visit the father-in-law at the nursing home and chat with him. He still does not want to see either me or his daughter. But it isn't right for him to be left all alone in a strange new place. This friend likes to listen to stories about the war, and he is patient. He thought that it would be good for him to visit the old man and keep an eye on him, take him some snacks and just chat.
I am ready for some "blank" time in which I listen to the waves hitting the hull and feel the gentle rocking of the boat, not thinking of anything really. The past week has been a trying one. I am looking forward to escaping for a few days. It's amazing how easy it is to get an attitude adjustment by being on the boat.
Today's meeting topic was on worry. God knows I have done my share of that. The worry was more like an anxiety that truly was a symptom of just how unmanageable my life was.
I inherited the worry gene from my parents who were telling me all kinds of things to watch out for--mostly people who were going to screw me in some way. So much negativism creates anxiety.
I can remember worrying about money, grades, relationships, parents, work projects, animals--so much time spent worrying about things that I really had no control over. I would put together lists of things to get done and then worry that the lists weren't inclusive enough. It was sheer insanity.
Some time before coming into Al-Anon, when I was at my worst in terms of unhappiness, I quit caring about the lists and worrying about what might happen in the future. I didn't know about the idea of One Day at A Time then. But I had gotten to the point that I didn't much care what happened today or tomorrow.
Not I know that worrying doesn't help anything go smoothly or get better. It doesn't help me get things done or have a better day. In fact, it pretty much ruins the day. I can't explain the change in me, other than to say that I have been able to let go of outcomes and have come to a place of accepting what happens. And somehow that is enough to switch off the worry gene most of the time.
I'm going to keep the worry at bay for the rest of this day. I'm too tired to be worried about anything. Tomorrow isn't here yet. Who knows what it will bring? I'm not going to worry about it.
Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy. ~Leo Buscaglia