Thursday, November 15, 2012

Honoring my self

It is cold and raining here.  We have a fire going which I'm sitting next to and typing out this post.  Having a good fire is comforting, reawakening some primitive part of us humans.  And the fall colors are incredibly vivid for this part of the coast.  I drove down our road yesterday and was struck by the trees and the leaves falling gently to the ground.

Yesterday was the men's meeting.  We talked about keeping the focus on ourselves, not in a selfish way but in the sense of owning our own needs and naming them in a relationship rather than seeing the other person in the relationship as the source of all problems.

We did not get very far into the reading before there was a lot of discussion about what part of our selves we have given up over the years.  For some, it was about not having any real sense of self because of being alcoholic.  Not wanting to own any part of being responsible to another was certainly one of the things that we talked about.

And then there was my take on this which was feeling overly responsible to others, to my job, to organizations to the point that I was morphed into whatever others wanted me to be, putting my real needs on hold.  Inside was, and is, the vagabond spirit that wants to be free of responsibility.  So the trick is to balance what I want to do with what I need to do.  I want to sail to some faraway places, but now is not the time to leave my wife to deal with her parents and the farm.  I talk with her about my dreams and wants.  I share my feelings with her and don't hold back.  That has opened up a lot of good discussions and brought us closer together.

I realize that my sense of self has been at times muted and altered.  Just that awareness is helping me to be more mindful of sharing who I am with those I know, without being concerned about what they might think.  It is an ongoing process.

15 comments:

  1. what a beautiful post. I think that happens for many people, losing parts of themselves for some reason or another. it is a process to reclaim those parts. a wonderful journey, in my opinion.~glynis

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  2. it is easy to fall into that path you point out, of finding yourself being what others need of you....and i love a good fire man...i miss have a fireplace...

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  3. I don't know that I really do have much of a sense of self. Well, of course I do but I've spent my entire life putting the needs of my family in front of my own and now that I am not required to do that, I don't even know what my needs are! And it's not my family's fault. I chose to do it that way- perhaps even out of laziness.
    But. What a great post, Syd. And those colors!

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  4. "Muted and altered" - I've allowed myself to be affected in just that way, and now am struggling to be truthful to myself. Great post, thanks.

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  5. Gorgeous photograph, and a beautiful share to accompany it. It takes courage to share your dreams without holding back, and trust in your partner to feel safe in doing so. I wish I could get myself to the place you describe, but I still hold back. For me, I think I'm afraid of what will happen if I actually get what I want! Then I might actually have to let go of all my excuses and enjoy myself.

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  6. Better to share your self with them you know care about you and your dreams than just them you know. I am like the old you Syd, I pretty much keep my wants to myself. Not that the wife wouldn't care but our situations are so different with me having tons of time and her having this weird work schedule that seems to change weekly...*shrug*

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  7. Balance. That's the game with me, too. Although I'm an alcoholic I really identify with your story. I'm close to someone who has another addiction so we're both in the recovery of the 12 Steps. I enjoy your perspective. Thank you.

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  8. An interesting post, Syd. From the elevated age of 79 and, having been a widow for over 20 years, I can say that the need to be true to our inner selves is always there but changes as your life changes. You are so wise to realize that C needs you now but that will change and, since you've shared your dreams with her there's a good chance that you at some point in the future.

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  9. Thank you for sharing such a wonderful post, exactly what I needed this evening. It seems as though I am really struggling taking care of myself while living with an active drinker. I am new to the Alanon program and find strength and hope in the meetings, but happy to pull this blog up and get the same : )

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  10. Insightful.
    i agree... balance is hard.
    I THINK we can find it possible to have a vagabond *spirit* while still inhabiting our lives and relationships.
    We can be adventurers in our day to day life and take risks in our relationships.
    We can say "no" and let a few things go here and there.
    We can give up perfectionism and allow ourselves to let people down occasionally.
    It's a grand adventure!!!

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  11. Glowing autumn colours. A big part of getting sober for me has to do with those indepth conversations and slow realisations. Thanks, Syd.

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  12. It is good you can share your feelings with C. I think I have learned, finally, to be more protective of "self". Love that picture, Syd. The leaves are all but gone here in Michigan but it was a beautiful fall.

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  13. Syd you live in such a beautiful place! You captured so much in that photo... love it! I've also found the courage to share my hopes and dreams with H. It's brought a lot of peace to me and I act out on some of those hopes and dreams, 99% of the time it's without H, but that's the path I have to walk to take care of myself. Loving and enjoying the journey!

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  14. Tearlessnights said a lot of what I was thinking. I have a "Gypsy" spirit, which I imagine is a lot like your vagabond...she dreams and plans for the day when things fall into place for her to run/sail/fly/skip away from what her world is now. But thank God there's enough willingness to be responsible that the Gypsy & I don't have to plan these things too often. Learning to be me, here, right now is a constant lesson. I love your post and am sorry I've been away for so long. : )

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  15. I was just talking to a friend of mine about how vibrant the leaves are this year. I'm grateful. Have a good good trip Syd!

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