Wild weather

We're to have wild weather here today--40-60 knot winds (knock down weather), lots of rain, thunderstorms, and maybe a tornado. Not a good day for being on the water in a sailboat. We were supposed to go to an oyster roast on the island but that's been canceled due to the inclement weather forecast.

I will likely go down to the boat and maybe just stay on board at the marina. I like to make sure that she's riding good when rough weather comes. Plus, it's cozy and romantic to listen to the rain hitting the topside of the cabin.

And maybe we'll decide to go watch a movie that's near the marina. I know that my wife wants to see The Reader. And then we can go out to dinner, running between the rain drops.

I guess what I'm saying here is that there isn't anything definite planned. We'll just be trying to avoid getting caught in torrential rains.

It's kind of nice to have "unscheduled" plans. And go with the flow of what the moment brings. Have a good Saturday.

I hope to chat with some of you that make it by The Second Road on Sunday evening starting at 8 PM EST. It's open topic night so anything goes. Come by and share what's on your mind.

Friday thoughts

I'm happy that it's Friday. I don't have any pressing things that are happening today. I'll finish up editing a report and hopefully have some time to write on a proposal that I'm working on.

Yesterday, I learned that a colleague has decided not to be a participant in a project that will provide experiences to minority students in the field of marine science. She is a new Ph.D. and thinks that her efforts need to be concentrated more on publishing. I remember having a touch of new Ph.D-itis when I started. I was arrogant, judgmental, and thought that the world would stop if I didn't publish my research. Now after years in the field, I've come to realize that research and publication are just one aspect of science. Probably what's more important is outreach and trying to educate and excite others about the world around them. And that it's necessary to spark some interest in others who will get into the field.

That's like the "care and feeding" of newcomers at meetings. They aren't alive to the possibilities of a good life yet, but if our "outreach" is strong, they'll eventually be able to see all the good things that there are about themselves and about life.

So that brings me to my gratitude list for today. I'm thankful for:

• having had yet another spiritual awakening this week
• understanding that each of us has a path, yet we eventually all wind up at the same ultimate destination
• having found that my path has rocks and hills but thus far no insurmountable boulders or mountains to block the way
• knowing that God can and will help me if I seek him

I hope that you enjoy your Friday. I'm looking forward to all that the day has to offer.

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And if you get a chance, stop by on Sunday evening at The Second Road for the 8 PM chat that I'm hosting. It's wild card night.

Taking Care of Myself

The pain of love is the pain of being alive. It's a perpetual wound.

--Maureen Duffy

Thanks for the comments you made on yesterday's post. I realize what a great moment it was for me to realize (and get) how much the fear character defect has affected my life. And at the same time, to realize how important it is for me to be spiritually fit in order to work through the fear.

I know that fear of rejection is something that hangs like a shadow in the background of my psyche. It is lonely to live with an alcoholic. For so many years, there was no point in counting on being able to do something together, or to even have "togetherness". It was just plain lonely to not have someone to share things with. And being lonely, as a kid and as an adult, can contribute to having an unmanageable life with a host of character defects.

So part of my growth in Al-Anon is to to know who I am and what I need to do. And knowing who I am means that I have an understanding of the power of those character defects that have been ingrained in me for so long. It takes time to be worthy of self-love. And to realize that instead of rejection, I can look at the flip-side which is acceptance. I don't have to play "hot potato" with the fear, but acknowledge it and realize that it's part of an old tape that occasionally will play in my head.

"We live in one another's company. We grow to yearn for one another's company at a deeper level. The yearning reciprocated, opens the way to a love relationship, a relationship both blessed and torn by intimacies.

It's human to long for love, to want to shower it and receive it. But the pain of waiting for it doesn't match the pain that accompanies its arrival. Love heightens our sensitivities. Any separations, any discrepancies, physical or emotional, wound the partners in love. The pain that accompanies never having something is less than the pain of projected loss after its arrival.

Love should bring only happiness, we mistakenly think. But love, giving it and receiving it, beckons us to bare our souls, to expose our hidden selves. The fear of rejection, the anxiety that we'll be rejected "when they know the real me" is large and looms over our shoulders.

How lucky we are to have this program, these Steps, which if practiced in all our affairs will prepare us for love and loving. They will help us to live with the pain of love, knowing that it increases our humanity - that it deepens our awarenesses and thus, heightens our appreciation of all of life." From Each Day a New Beginning

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Note: I'm trying the hosting on chat over at The Second Road again on Sunday. Hopefully, there won't be glitches this time. So stop by around 8 PM and let's talk about whatever comes up. The topic is open.

The Veil of Rejection

I had one of those strange revelations of mind and spirit this morning. I've been ruminating on another break in anonymity that occurred yesterday. Maybe I'll post about it at some point but suffice to say that it's happened twice now by the same person. I'm not happy about it. I'm going to talk to the person who not only broke my anonymity but my wife's and explain as plainly as I can why this isn't a good thing.

With that rolling around in my head last night, I woke up in an out of sorts mood. I wasn't angry as much as feeling low down. It's being F. I. N.E. at it's best--and I'm talking about the F#*ked Up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional form of F.I.N.E. Old behaviors resurfacing and thoughts projecting all over the place.

I was in the shower when it hit me: I interpret everything through the veil of rejection. And when that revelation went into my head, I rested my forehead against the shower stall and wept. I knew that I had issues with rejection from my Step Four inventory, Step Five, and Step Six. Yet for some reason, the depth of these feelings of rejection and how I've interpreted everything through that lens had never become so clear as this morning. It was overwhelming to admit.

I know that I don't handle situations well that leave me feeling vulnerable and unworthy. I have been lugging around remembrances of rejection for every year that I've lived. I've gone over these old wounds and thought that I had put enough Al-Anon salve on them that they were healed. I don't dwell on the past much and the incidences of rejection aren't something that I stay stuck on. But obviously they still have the power to stop me cold and bring me down.

As I'm writing this I've found that just the realization of this truth about myself makes me feel better. I think God whispered in my ear this morning when the realization hit of how my feelings of rejection have colored my life. God was saying, "It's okay. I know this pain. Let it go. Move forward. Life is a rocky road, but I'm here beside you. "

And in sharing these feelings, they don't seem to have as much power over me. I realize that rejection is an experience, and that I can shift my focus from blaming myself or others to acceptance and realization of my own positive attributes.

I know that I'll get the feelings of rejection again. But I think that the moment of truth that I had this morning helped me to understand that I can own those feelings, let them flow through me, and then realize that I have a choice of whether I'm going to believe the feelings or let them go and move on.

Note from Blogger

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What can I say?

I missed posting yesterday because I dropped out of sight of technology for a day. I took the day off, walked on the beach, went out to dinner, and enjoyed every moment of an extended weekend.

I won't call this spring fever, because today is not particularly warm. But the daffodils and forsythia are blooming and buds are on the shrubs. I can feel that we're about to turn the corner of our coldest days and begin to blossom in the delight of spring in the South.

I don't think that there's much that can compare to spring down here. Everything wakes up and shouts out that it's time to put on a color display. Azaleas are everywhere with their riot of color. And the days begin to develop a languid feel to them. The first regatta of the season takes place with multi-colored spinnakers billowing on the downwind runs. And the chorus of spring peepers is amazing in the wetland near the house.

We're not there yet, but the forecast is for warmer weather this week. I can feel that collective energies are gathering to bring forth new growth. And with it, there is a spiritual reawakening that is starting to occur within me as well. Life is good.

Scenes from the day

It's been a happy weekend. And I wanted to post a few scenes that capture the happiness.

I also want to say that my sponsor has 17 years of Al-Anon celebrated this week. And I'm most appreciative of the experience, strength and hope that has been shared with me. I think that it's because of what's been passed down from sponsor to sponsee over the years, that I'm where I am today. And I'm passing it on to my sponsees. I'm most grateful for all that has been given to me through this program.

Have a good Sunday.

Swimming in Our Love

I lose sight of us at times;
the way that fish can't see the ocean;
the price of lovers swimming in their love.

I've been reading Mark Nepo lately. And his words have a lot of wisdom. Take for instance his thoughts on how we take each other for granted:

"When we first fall in love, the powerful force of possibility grips us and pulls us along deeper and deeper into the days. When first shaping the bonds of love, we look at each other with incredible freshness and appreciate who is before us...... Inevitably, though, as we grow intimate, we begin to lose sight of each other, and there comes a day when we no longer see our loved one as others do. Now we see inside of their face, up close. Now we swim in each other like a mysterious river in which we sometimes see ourselves, and sometimes soothe ourselves, and sometimes drink of each other. Eventually, we climb into the painting we once stared at with our pounding heart, and from inside the painting, we can forget there ever was such a painting. This is how we can take each other for granted. This is how we can imagine that the magic is gone. But, as the reward for being drawn to the sea is to swim with the waves, the reward for being drawn into the depth of another is to feel each other rather than to see each other." from The Book of Awakening by Mark Nepo.

Today I'm going to see and feel the person I love. I'm going to recall the day that we first met and think about all the magical days that have flowed from that. I'm grateful for having found that person and for sharing the days that we've had together. I'm going to look into their eyes and really see and say "I love you."

Thanks Annette

Annette over at Journey of Recovery gave me the Blog Love award. I think that the idea behind Blog Love is not about loving blogging (but I might be wrong on this) but about the friendship and love that is shared among the recovery blogging community.

It is a community in my mind. I wonder how certain people are doing, I wonder what has happened to bloggers who were regulars but haven't posted for a while, I wonder at the steps people are taking to take care of themselves, and I wonder at the wisdom I read.

Anyway, I think that this award is like part of the Al-Anon closing, "We aren't perfect. The welcome we give you may not show the warmth we have in our hearts for you. After a while, you'll discover that though you may not like all of us you'll love us in a very special way, the same way we already love you."

So here are my nominees for this award because they share their love in what they write:
1. Mr. Steveroni
2. Prayer Girl
3. Big Jenn
4. Shadow
5. Jess

They can pass this award on to whoever they want to. That's blogger love.

The final Tradition: Number 12

Whew, finally made it to Tradition 12. I've enjoyed doing this writing on the traditions of Al-Anon. It has helped me to clarify some of my thoughts. This tradition is one of my favorites.

Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles above personalities.

The principle here is respect. The tradition teaches me that I need to have humility and practice selflessness. Everyone in the fellowship is equal, responsible for themselves and entitled to respect. Selflessness helps me to be of maximum use to others.

There is no room in our primary purpose for ego, pride, arrogance, selfishness, or unwillingness. There is however a lot of room for gratitude, humility, willingness, love, forgiveness, understanding, joy, and freedom.

This tradition is also about humility. No one need be treated special or as someone's HP because when that occurs it is a certainty that the human who is deified will demonstrate clearly that they are not the God of my understanding. This means that we are all equal at a meeting. No one person's hurt is greater than another and no one's wisdom is greater than another. How much education you have or how successful you are or how rich you are has no bearing on what you can get from or what you can contribute to the program.

Meetings aren't the place to trot out our egos. I've seen people hurt by personalities taking precedence over principles. What this tells me is that if we are busy giving advice and not listening or busy arguing with each other, who then is concentrating on recovery? If we are busy gossiping, judging, or setting ourselves up as someone's HP, who is missing our experience, strength and hope? Maybe a good thing to consider about Tradition 12 is that if I am humble, then I won't be too full of myself, will keep gratitude in mind and actually T.H.I.N.K.

T houghtful
H onest
I ntelligent
N ecessary
K ind

Essentially, we leave "what we are" at the door and walk in as "who we are".

Tradition Eleven

Steve and I are completing our interpretations of the traditions this week. We started this project a few weeks ago and have worked our way through them. Steve is providing his views on the AA traditions and I'm writing on the Al-Anon traditions. Check out Steve's blog for some great information.

So here we are at the penultimate Tradition:
Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, films and TV. We need guard with special care the anonymity of all AA members.

The principle of this tradition is discretion. I practice this tradition by being positive, encouraging, and humble.

The spirit of this tradition is that we accept another person as they are, putting both the Golden and Silver Rules into practice within the relationship. The Golden rule is, of course, do unto others as you would have them do unto you. The Silver rule is: "Don't do for others what they need to do for themselves".

This tradition tells me that actions speak louder than words - - - live by example. I speak for myself, but I never presume to speak for another, regardless of the relationship. I am responsible and answerable for my own actions, and no one else is responsible or answerable for mine. I owe my loved ones the dignity of their privacy and the right to grow at their own pace. As my sponsor has said, I owe others the dignity to fail (or succeed) without my intervention.

Anonymity in the program is important. "Whom you see here, What you hear here, Let it stay here". I recently had an experience in which a member of my home group who is a personal friend divulged my wife's anonymity to his spouse. I don't think that was appropriate. It violated a trust. Yet, I also understand his desperate reasoning for doing so--he wanted his wife who drank to talk to my wife who is sober.

I'll let Steve address the importance of guarding the anonymity of AA members but suffice to say that there are many reasons. Alcoholism is still viewed as a stigma, medical insurers find alcoholics (sober or not) a risk, job interviewers don't want to see member of AA on your list of organizations that you belong to, etc.

Finally, anonymity in a relationship is that ability to do something good and not have to advertise it. Anonymity is a positive attitude, not complaining when things are not just as we would have them. Anonymity is keeping silent when our partner makes a mistake. Anonymity is saying encouraging things to our loved ones; showing gratitude for small favors, etc. Anonymity is the ability to do good for goods sake without having to take credit or receive special strokes. Anonymity is being happy doing good without expectations of reward or return.

A nice by-product of this practice of anonymity is the spiritual principle, 'what we sow, so shall we reap.' There is no room in healthy relationships for self-glorification and pride but there is much room for great amounts of gratitude, humility and a willingness to be of service to others.

And as far as Al-Anon goes, I don't have to promote the program. I believe that living the program is promotion enough. This does more to carry the message than trying to force it on others. If people want what I have, then they can come to a meeting.

Tradition Ten: Outside issues

The Al-Anon Family Groups have no opinion on outside issues; hence our name ought never be drawn into public controversy.

The principle for this tradition is clarity of purpose. And along with this tradition, members learn to be unbiased, avoid controversy, and have humility.

This means that my view on any given subject can and may differ from that of any member of the group. Our differing views do not change our equality, nor do we need to convince anyone that our view is the right one, particularly in a meeting or public forum.

Meeting are a place where the focus is on my experience using the steps and traditions. They aren't a place for me to take a stand on politics, religion, or any outside subjects. Meetings are a place where we join together with individuals that we might not agree with outside of the program.

I have found that I need to practice this principle when I work with sponsees. I need only share my experience and not voice my opinion or be influenced by any preconceived notions that I may have. Doing this can be a spiritual challenge.

As Al-Anon's preamble to the twelve steps and traditions says, "Al-Anon is not allied with any sect, denomination, political entity, organization or institution. It does not engage in any controversy, neither endorses nor opposes any cause. If this tradition is followed, it works to keep the fellowship as a whole from engaging in public controversy, but the principal can also be applied to "all the affairs" of individual members.

Within the context of relationships, I believe this means that I'm careful about my opinions and rely on "live and let live". I do my best to avoid heated controversy. For example, if Al-Anon members apply this tradition to their lives then someone else's recovery -- or more importantly, lack of recovery -- becomes an outside issue, allowing them to "detach" from the problems of others and focus on their own recovery process.

I know that I've had many opinions over the years. In fact, I can be quite opinionated about things that I'm passionate about. And it's easy to have my opinions move into taking a self-righteous stand. This tradition is important because it reminds me that I don't have to be worked up over the opinion of another.

One of the things that I've heard in the fellowship is "Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy". If I carry my point about my "right" opinion, it doesn't make other people happy and generally makes me feel badly.

Oh sure, I could do a lot of work on a topic and try to convince someone else that my way is the right way based on the facts I've gathered. That's kind of what we do in science! But in the program, I don't need to defend myself to prove that I'm right. I can just let it be. I heard some wise words: " if I'm right, it doesn't need defending; if I'm wrong, it can't be defended, and in either case, the only defense I ever need is God's."

Presidents' Day

Today is President's Day and for me that means that I have a day off. It is gray outside and chilly this morning. It looks like another good day to take it easy.

I've been reading quite a bit of history about John Adams and Thomas Jefferson. I didn't know much about Adams until I watched the mini-series on him and became fascinated by his erudite, dogmatic and tenacious ways. His relationship with his wife is truly moving. Even though they were separated by great distances for many years of their marriage, their friendship and love for each other never wavered. Tragically, their son Charles died of alcoholism. John Adams was never able to forgive his son for being an alcoholic, yet Abigail loved Charles with all her heart.

Thomas Jefferson has been a figure of history that I knew quite a bit about since he went to my alma mater the College of William and Mary, was born and bred a Virginian, visited the county where I grew up, and was studied in classes that I took. I also visited his famous house Monticello several times.

I'm currently reading a book Mr. Jefferson's Women that is a scholarly work on his relationship with women. He was somewhat of a misogynist and largely mistrusted women after his two proposals of marriage to Miss Burwell were turned down. He later married but lost his wife following childbirth. His relationship with his slave Sally Hemings has been the subject of much writing.

What I think is the most interesting aspect of the relationship of Adams and Jefferson is that they both died within hours of each other on July 4, 1826. Jefferson died a few hours before Adams, both having made amends for political enmity years before. They remained steadfast friends up until the time of their deaths. It seems that this was a moment that God decided to take these two men, within hours of each other who had both done so much to shape this nation. Another "came to believe" moment for me.

The weekend so far

I had a nice day yesterday. There was an exchange of Valentine gifts in the morning. She liked her present a lot. And mine was a finely crafted fountain pen. There's something about writing with the old style ink suction type pen. Makes me feel a bit like an author just to write with one.

In early afternoon, there was a barbecue boat ride in honor of a friend's birthday. We rode around the Harbor, ate barbecue with all the fixin's and then went to the island where everyone walked on the beach. It was a good time. Even though the day was overcast and rainy, everyone enjoyed the food, the sights, and the comraderie.

Because of the birthday barbecue, we had our Valentine dinner on Friday evening. It was at a newly opened Italian restaurant. Great food and a front row seat to watch the head chef and owner "direct" the orders and give them his blessing before they were sent out to the diners. If you've never watched the chefs at a good restaurant in action, you've missed something. It's better than the food network. And the energy expended is tremendous. Anyway, the dinner was fantastic and the chef show enjoyable.

Today is a lazy day. I'm going to read, go for a walk on the beach, maybe watch a movie and then host the chat tonight starting at 8 PM over at the Second Road. If you get a chance, come on over. The topic is going to be getting balance in our lives. I don't know about you but I needed some balance. I was no where near the center of the road. Hope that you can make it.

That Lives in Us

Here's my Valentine to you:

THAT LIVES IN US

If you put your hands on this oar with me,
they will never harm another, and they will come to find
they hold everything you want.

If you put your hands on this oar with me, they would no longer
lift anything to your
mouth that might wound your precious land-
that sacred earth that is
your body.

If you put your soul against this oar with me,
the power that made the universe will enter your sinew
from a source not outside your limbs, but from a holy realm
that lives in us.

Exuberant is existence, time a husk.

When the moment cracks open, ecstasy leaps out and devours space;
love goes mad with the blessings, like my words give.

Why lay yourself on the torturer’s rack of the past and future?

The mind that tries to shape tomorrow beyond its capacities
will find no rest.

Be kind to yourself, dear- to our innocent follies.

Forget any sounds or touch you knew that did not help you dance.

You will come to see that all evolves us.

If you put your heart against the earth with me, in serving
every creature, our Beloved will enter you from our sacred realm
and we will be, we will be
so happy.

Rumi

The real me

Who does the world see when they look at me?
Do they see the real me or just who they think I am?
Do they see my eyes only or the soul inside?
If you looked deep enough you would see the real me.
Look a little deeper than what you see outside.

If you really looked you might see
That behind my smile, I sometimes cry.
I may look confident and happy
And blissfully unaware,
Yet at times I feel too unsure to try.

Looking deep within would reveal
That most days optimism abounds.
I am in love with life and living.
I feel compassion and hope.
And am grateful to be giving.

I wonder if that is what people really see,
That good person who is within.
I would like for you to get to know me,
My dreams and schemes,
Rather than just who you want me to be.

I am grateful to be who I am today.
I'm glad that there are a few people in my life who know the real me.
I wish that I were better at conveying to everyone who I really am.
That's the rub, isn't it--to let people know through word and deed who you really are?
I don't think that it's too late to let the real me shine through.

Have a good Friday.

I'll be hosting the chat on Sunday night, Feb. 15, over at the Second Road. The chat starts at 8 PM, and the topic is going to be how to get balance in your life. It's open to anyone who wants to show up. Let your fingers do the talking.

Tradition Nine: Lighten up

Our groups, as such, ought never be organized; but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve.

The principles for this tradition are equal opportunity and rotation in service. The traits that I think this tradition embody are equality and "lightening up".

To me this tradition says that I don't need to control the group or people in my life. I need not do it all or know it all. I don’t need to be nor am I expected to take myself too seriously. I am responsible for my own growth and needs, and others are responsible for theirs. We are all responsible to share responsibility of service.

This seems to be one of the more difficult traditions to talk about, but what usually comes up in our group discussions is that there is no hierarchy here - no leader, no boss, no working your way up the ladder, etc.

I had to work my way up the ladder as a new Ph.D. I had to "get known" in my field. And then eventually I was put on various boards and national committees. That's probably true for many people in my meetings who are active in the community and in their career. After all, we may be a bit crazy, but we know how to do our crazy stuff responsibly! But Alanon is different from community and career work, and there is a lot of value in that difference. We do not make message boards or committees to "govern" us. Instead, we look to each other for the work that is needed. And it's all voluntary.

Tradition 9 is not as difficult or complex as I thought it was. It simply means we are a "fellowship" of people with like goals and hopes that are helped by each other. No one is above another, we serve each other, and as we get more seasoned in recovery, we may feel like we want to be of even more service to others. We are a "trusted servant" for the group.

This tradition is also an exhortation to have fun, be playful, and to lighten up. I'm learning not to take myself too seriously. Our lives have been very difficult at times, and for most of us there haven't been many laughs. I've given myself permission to have a lot of laughs and to exercise my sense of humor.
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On another note:

I'll be hosting the chat on Sunday night, Feb. 15, over at the Second Road. The chat starts at 8 PM, and the topic is going to be how to get balance in your life. It's open to anyone who wants to show up. Let your fingers do the talking.

The Traditions will continue next Tuesday as Steve and I take a short break. Whew!

Pieces of Eight

Tradition 8: Al-Anon Twelfth Step work should remain forever non-professional, but our service centers may employ special workers.

The principle of this step is equality and the traits are guidance, sharing and humility.

This tradition is important for the health of our meetings. It means to me that each member is equal and should remain so, with no one setting him/herself above another as teacher, adviser, or in some other non Al-Anon capacity.

The 8th Tradition insures that anytime a newcomer reaches out for help, he will receive it, free of charge. Members freely share their own experience, strength, and hope with the newcomer and by doing so, help themselves by reinforcing their own recovery in the process.

The word "nonprofessional" means that I interact in a way that neither affirms nor implies that I am something other than a person in recovery just like others who come to Al-Anon. It means that if I need professional help then I should go where such help is available--outside Al-Anon.
I must also avoid taking a "professional" or know-it-all attitude. In the final analysis, personal opinions are just that - personal. Neither of us is a certified expert on alcoholism, the twelve steps, sex, marriage, medicine, child psychology, spirituality, or humility.

Unfortunately, this tradition isn't always practiced at some meetings. I've heard advice given to people not to take medication for depression or a bi-polar condition. This is not only contrary to this tradition but is dangerous advice. It isn't a good idea to play doctor or therapist where medications or relationships are concerned. A friend who is a psychiatrist asked me not long ago when I was telling him about the "experts" in meetings, "And how many people have they killed with such advice?" Good question.

I know that I have leaned hard on my sponsor more than once to give advice on relationships. But I have a wise sponsor who tells me to keep the focus on myself. I do not know what is best for another person. We should each be free to ask for outside professional help, but never set ourselves up as professionals nor set another up as a professional to us, and that includes sponsors.

The 8th Tradition is one that reminds me that what I am to do in meetings is talk about my experience, not my opinion; not give advice, but try to give hope. If I do make suggestions, they should be spiritual in nature rather than advice about actions to take. Thankfully, I don't hear much "therapy" in meetings. I want to remember that Al-Anon has a spiritual approach and that is how the message is carried.

I also need to realize that I am not an expert on the workings of Al-Anon but simply do service work as needed. We have no paid staff but volunteers in this district. Just for today, it is a good idea for me to stick close to the message of Al-Anon as I encounter it in my home group and at others.

(Check out Steve's blog Another Sober Alcoholic for the AA perspective on this tradition. We're collaborating to bring you our thoughts on the traditions that bind us together in harmony).

Seventh Tradition

Steve and I decided to get back to writing on the traditions this week. Check out his blog for the AA perspective and I'm doing the Al-Anon take on the traditions here.

Tradition Seven: Every group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.
The primary principle here is inner strength. With this tradition, the group and I am self-sufficient, responsible, and have self-respect.

I've written about this tradition before. So some of what's written here is a bit repetitive of that post.

This tradition is important for our meetings--that we are self-supporting and can keep the fellowship going. It's also important in my personal life. I am financially self-supporting. I can remember when my wife was drinking that I knew that I would be able to move out, if that was the route to sanity, because I had a good job.

Being fully self-supporting is more than money though. It means that I take care of myself. It is not taking care of another nor expecting others to take care of me. Assuming responsibilities for others robs them of their dignity and self-respect. To depend on another to fulfill my needs or carry out my responsibilities invites disappointment and resentment.

I have conceded that the troubles that I've had in relationships are of my own making. If I didn't accept that, then I would be saying that the things that happened to me were caused by other people or things. And the corollary to that fallacy would be that I would have to get the people or things to change if I were to get better. I know though that I'm powerless over others. So I don't put myself in the victim and self-pity mode much anymore. That way of thinking brings with it depression and a grinding, oppressive sense of defeat.

Being emotionally self-supporting was not the easiest thing to grasp. After years of relying on outside opinions to feel good about myself, it was hard to believe in myself. I would think that if only my wife would stop drinking and be happy, I would be okay. If only my father weren't so critical, then I would be okay. If only...if only....

What I was unable to see was that I expected others to do what I wanted because I didn't know how to get what I needed within myself. I went to therapy and didn't really talk about myself but would talk about the other person. I kept the focus off myself for the most part. I guess that I didn't have much "self" at that time.

Al-Anon has helped me see how deficient I was in being emotionally self supporting. I realize now that my life doesn't depend on anyone's approval. I need for my life to depend on my own emotional support, and God's help. Sure, there are slips. But all in all, I'm realizing that I have the right to be happy and responsible for my own emotional welfare.

Tradition Seven gratitude:
1. That I'm employed and that my SO is also working.
2. That the groups that I go to, even my home group which is really small, can be self-supporting.
3. That I don't have to rely upon anyone else to make me feel that I'm a great person.
4. That I have a HP and it isn't any human.
5. That I can listen to the opinions of others and still have a choice to make up my own mind.

What have you done?

I've been seeing a lot of billboard ads that say "What have you done for your marriage today?" I wondered about those signs. I found out that they are sponsored by the Catholic diocese.

Every time I see those ads, they make me think. What have I done for my marriage today? And today I can answer that I had many laughs last night in bed while we remembered the neighbors that lived around us when we had our first two homes. As my wife said, "If they are any indication of American society, we're in deep trouble."

We laughed about one instance where it was a Sunday morning, quiet for suburbia. We decided to get up early to work in the flower garden. The peace was broken by a woman yelling, "If I catch you, you bastard, I'm going to hit you with this brick". So much for the quiet Sunday. Then there was the neighbor who got up at 3 AM to deliver newspapers in addition to his regular job so his wife could go buy more Ethan Allen furniture. And the lady on the other side of us who was on a kick of eating cabbage, broccoli, and turnip soup (nothing else) and said that it caused her to "fluff" frequently. That sent both of us into peals of laughter last night.

So this morning, we were still chuckling about our reminiscences. Now we don't have close neighbors. The squirrels, deer, and foxes aren't nearly as humorous as those former neighbors.
But we still find things to smile about. And after a long hug and a kiss, I was out the door heading to work. I think that laughter, hugs, and all those little acts we do to show our affection for each other, help our relationship a lot more than big gifts.

My grandmother told me to never go to bed angry and to say "I love you" before bed time. Good advice I think.

I'm thankful to have someone in my life who has put up with me over the years. And if you wonder what you've done for your marriage today, just do something. It's not too late to give a hug, or share a laugh or say "I love you."

Some happy photos of the day

I wanted to share some photos from yesterday. It was a fun day. Lots of oysters, interesting people to talk to, beautiful scenery, warm sun, and serenity at the end of the day. I'm enjoying another relaxing day today. Hope that you are too.

Another oyster roast

It's finally Saturday. Thankfully. After a long week that had its ups and downs, and cold weather for these parts, today is supposed to be warm with temps in the 60's. It's going to be good weather to go on the boat.

There's a group of people coming to the anchorage and island to have an oyster roast. It's the same group that did the oyster roast for my birthday. They have a pontoon boat that can get up really close to the beach, close enough to put a gangway down. It's a family owned business that does eco-tours of the area and the boat has the capacity to carry around 40 people. So it will be fun to eat some oysters with them and their customers this afternoon.

After the oyster roast, I'm going to meet up with my sponsor and a friend to go to an open AA meeting. After that I'll probably spend the night on the boat.

I like having some activity on a warm Saturday. There's nothing better than getting with friends, eating steamed oysters, being on the water, and then ending the day with a meeting.

Happy Saturday to everyone.

Tradition Six: Half Way

Steve and I are half-way through our blogging on the Traditions. Whew......

Tradition Six in Al-Anon states that:
Our Family Groups ought never endorse, finance or lend our name to any outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property and prestige divert us from our primary spiritual aim. Although a separate entity, we should always cooperate with Alcoholics Anonymous.

The principle that comes to mind here is simplicity. We keep outside influences out of the program. And in relationships, I let others do for themselves and realize that there is strength through separateness.

I think that the idea of having separate fellowships via Tradition Six is an excellent one and needs to be observed at meetings. In general, the sixth tradition is observed but occasionally someone will identify themselves with the "other" fellowship or quote out of non-conference approved literature.

Generally, someone will come over after the meeting and remind the people who committed the faux pas that in Al-Anon, we only speak Al-Anon, share our E, S, and H and use Conference Approved Literature (CAL). There are lots of reasons for this. When Al-Anon members use AA literature for their meetings there is a tendency to concentrate on the alcoholic and his/her behavior rather than the family experience and our own recovery. I think what it boils down to is program integrity.

In interacting with others, I've found that it doesn't do any good to force my views on them, although I can have opinions. If others want what I have, then they can seek it out.

And likewise, my views don't necessarily reflect those of my family or friends. This is important in protecting the relationship and its unity. And that means that each of us is responsible for ourselves.

Neither my wife nor I can meet all the needs of the other. We are each responsible for taking care of ourselves, but we are enhanced by our association with each other. Our separateness is our mutual strength. It promotes a relationship of healthy equals.

A partner should be supportive spiritually, emotionally and physically to the relationship, but a mature partner doesn't do for the other what they can do for themselves. Doing so could promote an inflated ego which would divert the primary purpose of the relationship. And when dealing with an alcoholic, it would enable the disease.

In the Al-Anon fellowship, the purpose is to do God's will and not mine. God does not do for us what we should and can do for ourselves. God helps when we need something beyond our own power - this is part of God's love for us. Were I just to sit back and let God do everything would reduce me to a spiritual cripple and would compromise the greatest of all gifts: free choice.

This seems like a difficult tradition but it really isn't. Not being diverted from our primary spiritual aim is the key. And once again there is unity through being separate.

There is no easier softer way

I always like the part in the Big Book from "How It Works" about thinking that "......we could find an easier softer way. But we could not". In Al-Anon, there isn't an easier softer way either. No, we're not in imminent danger of drinking ourselves to death, but we are in danger of a slow, painful emotional death.

I've read a few blogs recently where people are trying an easier, softer way in my opinion. And I listen to this in meetings too. They are making a few meetings if there's time, they are reading a daily reader, but they still feel miserable. And yet, they wonder why.

My experience has been that there is no easier softer way. Half-measures do nothing but prolong the agony. Here are the "steps" that I took to find some peace of mind:

1. I got myself a sponsor. I trusted what I'd heard that I needed one. And so I found the person who would be my guide at my third Al-Anon meeting.

2. I did what my sponsor told me to do. I called every day, I did the readings, I went to several meetings a week, including open AA meetings.

3. I worked the steps. I didn't complain or worry that they would be too difficult. I wanted peace and serenity. I saw that in the faces of those who had worked the steps. I wanted what they had.

4. I started doing service work. I did little things at first...putting out literature, bringing food for meetings. Then I signed up to chair meetings. I told my story when asked to do so. I began to chair Beginner's meetings. And now I'm a GR as well as sponsor.

5. I didn't make up excuses. I work a demanding job. I sometimes don't get home until nearly 10 PM because I go from work to a meeting or to meet a sponsee. I'm not some kind of robot. I get tired and worn out. But this program is important enough to me that I give it time and energy.

6. I got honest with others and myself. I was done with denying things. I got a lot of stuff that had been haunting me off my chest. I realized that by getting rid of all the secrets that I had carried around for so long, I felt lighter in mind and body.

So if you're really looking to go down the road to recovery, then there is no easier, softer way. If you're content to stay stuck in the same pile of crap that you've been sitting in for all these years, then be my guest. I always liked that my sponsor would say, "it's nice and warm sitting in all that shit, but when you move around it stinks". Yes, it does. And being a half-person stinks too.

Thanks... I just needed to say these things.

The Fifth Tradition: Compassion

Each Al-Anon Family Group has but one purpose: to help families of alcoholics. We do this by practicing the Twelve Steps of AA ourselves, by encouraging and understanding our alcoholic relatives, and by welcoming and giving comfort to families of alcoholics.

I really like this tradition. It's about compassion, being non-judgmental, willing, and sharing. This tradition has to do with our primary purpose. With this tradition, meetings stay focused on the primary purpose of helping families and friends of alcoholics.

This tradition also tells me that I have a primary purpose in my life: to express love, loyalty, family and unity in all that I do and to share this knowledge freely with others. I have a healthy purpose of helping others today, rather than trying to enable or control someone like I did before Al-Anon.

I can remember my sponsor suggesting to me that I could encourage and understand the alcoholics in my life by allowing them the dignity to make their own decisions. Understanding is something that has come to me over time. For so much of my life, there was no one to understand how I felt living with alcoholism. Now I am around people who understand, and by sharing my experience, strength and hope with others I gain not only insight about myself but others as well. And by going to open AA meetings, listening to speaker tapes, studying the Big Book of AA, I've been able to understand more about alcoholism--the physical craving, mental obsession, and spiritual malady. Because this tradition is about love and compassion, I am reminded that I needed to learn to love myself before I could truly love others, including the alcoholics in my life.

This tradition also mentions practicing the 12 steps which are my tools to recovery. I've learned to identify my character defects and face my resentments, make amends and move on. Working the steps has brought spirituality into my life. And by coming to trust my Higher Power, I've acquired serenity.

And as part of my recovery and this tradition, I do my part to help families and friends of alcoholics. I've been told to never say NO to an Al-Anon request. I step up to do my part, trusting that God will give me what I need in order to accomplish the task.

The bonus is -- when I am helping others, I am also helping myself get healthier by focusing on someone else instead of feeling sorry for myself. By reaching out to help and comfort others, I gain tremendous rewards myself.

A great part of this tradition for me is to welcome newcomers. I remember those who shared their phone numbers with me when I came to my first meeting. I called every single one of those people to thank them. And to say that I would keep going to meetings. They and many others made me feel that I was where I belonged. So I make it a point to offer my phone number to newcomers and make them feel welcome. I can share with those who ask for my help.Those who do not can be assured of my willingness to share should they ever be ready.They need not be judged or found lacking.

This tradition can also be applied in my life outside of Al-Anon. It is reflected when I have patience and understanding with others. I've always had empathy for others, but now I see how each person, regardless of circumstance, has something to offer.

Tradition Four

Here is Tradition Four in Al-Anon:
Each group should be autonomous, except in matters affecting another group or Al-Anon or AA as a whole.

The principle of this tradition is self-government with accountability. The traits that characterize the spirit of this tradition are self-focus (not self-centered) and courtesy.

In the book Paths to Recovery (page 166), this tradition is clarified by a question: "Does this mean that in Al-Anon anything goes as long as the group agrees to it? " Nope. Decisions in Al-Anon need to be made as a group and for the good of the group as a whole. That's why there are group conscious meetings. And why it's important to stay for them.

I like how this tradition applies in personal relationships. There's a lot that it has to offer for families and couples. It requires that I become unselfish and consider how decisions affect "us" rather than how it just affects me.

Yet, I think that the fourth tradition gives relationships freedom. Each person in the relationship is free to choose what they want to do, yet there is also a responsibility to preserve the unity of the relationship as a whole. I can be autonomous without endangering the relationship. Too much autonomy without restraint could cause a lot of damage.

Autonomy doesn’t mean you don’t need the other person. It means that I can be who I am and not try to mold myself to be what others want me to be. I can still have my goals, desires, and dreams while intertwining them with the goals, desires, and dreams of another. I like the idea of two people being autonomous but working together as a union. Co-dependency isn't healthy and can be terribly restricting. Yet, I've surely been co-dependent most of my life.

Tradition 4 is also about my taking responsibility for my choices. I need to consider the consequences of my actions. The slogan that seems to come to mind is "THINK" and examine my actions before I undertake them. Thinking before acting has been hard for me because I am impetuous. I think but also will plunge ahead with a "damn the torpedoes" type attitude. So I obviously need to remember that I'm not powerless over my brain and can use restraint. That's where maturity comes in.

It seems that when I don't take responsibility, I can blame someone else when things don't go right. I blamed the alcoholic for my self-pity, anger, and misery. I didn't look hard at my actions and what I was doing until I came to Al-Anon.

There's a lot of good stuff to think about with this tradition. Check out Steve's blog Another Sober Alcoholic because he is writing about the traditions of AA and today he is on Numbah Foah. I'm glad that we are doing these at the same time. I don't have his captivating stories but offer what I've come to understand about how these traditions work in meetings and in my life.

Gifts and the weekend

Thanks for getting in the spirit of the Pay It Forward gift giving thing. I decided (because I have a hard time refusing anyone!) that I'm going to put together a crafty gift for the following who responded: Christina, Ms. Hen, Scott, Clean and Crazy and Mary Christine. You can email me at sydlaughs@att.net to give me an address where I will mail your gift.

And the guidelines (I like that better than rules) are: I'll get this to you in 365 days (hopefully before then) and when you get the gift, then you pay it forward to however many people you want to). I've already got some interesting crafty ideas for what I'm going to send.

I had a no hassle trip to Florida. The days were spent in discussion meetings about research collaborations. The highlights were:

• Some great Cuban food. And a great reception at the local lighthouse.
  
• Attending an open AA meeting in Florida. It was a 12 x 12 study of Step Four. Lots of angst was expressed.
  
• Catching up on things with some colleagues and discussing the impending marriage of one
  
• Having a hotel room with a view of the water and sailboats. It made me long for home.
  
• Getting home without any traffic hassles on Friday. That's always a good thing.
  

I had a quiet weekend. I did spend time on the boat but didn't take her out. Instead, after the week in Florida, I decided to hang out at home. I read, watched a movie, slept late, went to visit some friends for dinner, and caught up on my written journal. I also spent more time helping an elderly doctor set up his Mac. He gave me a wonderful porcelain African elephant in appreciation.

This week I'm happy to be back on schedule. I'm going to my home group meeting tonight. And will write about Tradition Four in tomorrow's post.

Have a good Monday.