All is well

All went well yesterday afternoon. I wasn't even a bit sore. There is a bit of a bruise and that's all. Nonetheless, I went home afterwards and actually slept for 3 hours. When I woke up, I was ravenously hungry but only ate a bowl of soup and some crackers. But that seemed just right.

Thanks for all your thoughts and well wishes. I truly appreciate each and every one of you. One of the members of my home group called after the meeting to check up on me. I appreciated that as well. I also talked to my sponsor who I will see sometime this week at another meeting. He is home and getting back into the groove of things.

I'm sorry that I missed the meeting last night. It was on unacceptable behavior. I could write a book on that one topic. I won't do that but will write a post instead.

I put up with the unacceptable behavior of others and dished out my own unacceptable behavior in retaliation. I found it hard to change my attitudes and harder to draw a line in the sand that would be my boundaries.

I was on a merry-go-round. I kept going round and round with the alcoholic, and I kept getting what it was that I didn't want because I wasn't working at getting what I wanted. I wanted her to give me all the emotional stuff that I hadn't gotten at home and she couldn't. She was too sick, and I was also sick.

I was expecting normal things from within an alcoholic relationship that was abnormal. There was no way that I could get health from sickness, or get God to answer my selfish prayers to work a miracle on another. I was having problems with my own addiction to the alcoholic. Her drinking perpetuated her illness and my compulsion to make her stop or behave differently perpetuated mine.

The reality of it all was and still is, "If nothing changes....nothing changes." I found that I don't need permission to move my life in a direction of peace of mind and serenity. I don't need permission from the alcoholic or anyone else to change toward the better. I was in denial, or I minimized my pain by saying, "The devil I know is better than the devil I don't know." Yet ultimately I owed it to myself to have dignity and a sense of self-worth. But that won't happen if I had continued a posture of "submission to a degrading situation."

I like having a boat analogy (surprise!). I found that I was missing out on a lot of life by waiting around for others to change. I was waiting for their boat to sail back into port. And in reality I didn't know if they were even on a boat. So I began to change my own behavior and quit waiting around for others to join me. Luckily my wife decided that she wanted to make her own changes.

It's up to me to get rid of my unacceptable behavior. The alcoholic may or may not do so. She may miss the boat entirely. If you're living with the disease, you can make changes anytime you like. Now might be a good time.

"I will remember that knowing my boundaries does not mean forcing others to change; it means that I know my own limits and take care of myself by respecting them. The focus, today, is on me. " from Courage to Change.

"When will I realize that I need not permit the alcoholic's behavior to confuse my life and destroy my peace of mind? When will I learn that there is no compulsion, in law or ethics, that forces me to accept humiliation, uncertainty and despair? Have I perhaps accepted it because I have a subconscious desire for martyrdom? Do I secretly relish feeling sorry for myself and want sympathy from others?" from One Day at a Time

"Lucky" me

What a good weekend in spite of high 90's and humidity so thick that it could be cut with a knife. I got to spend time with friends, tour the tall ships, relax and read.

Even though I am feeling a bit tired after a busy weekend, I feel happy today. And have no particular things that are weighing on my mind.

I feel extraordinarily "lucky" to be where I am in life. My sponsor should be back in town today. The city that I live near is beautiful. The island that I live on is magnificent. My wife and I still love each other in spite of all that we've been through. I have great friends who care about me. I have a good job where most of the time I do interesting things. I have a great fellowship of people who understand me and don't judge.

Those are all things that came about because of God's plan and not mine. I don't really think that luck had much to do with it. But it's one way to think about how things are today. They could be so much worse than they are.

This afternoon I'm going to have some minor surgery. I'm thankful to be in a city where there is great medical care. And after the surgery, I'm going to go home and take it easy.

I hope that you enjoy your Monday.

Tall ships and heard in a meeting

• Giving of myself is the greatest gift to the program
• Accepting powerlessness has given me power
• With the tools of the program, I'll be able to walk through anything that happens
• Living with alcoholism involves a lot of losses--lost of time, energy, joy, and self. I wouldn't have known what I lost until I found something else.
  
• My will and ego are not a good compass for me. They have gotten me off course many times.
  

Today I'm going to post some photos from Harborfest yesterday. Although the temperatures were in the upper 90's, it was well worth seeing these ships. The crews from Russia and Romania were having a hard time in the heat. But they were gracious, friendly and enjoying showing off their vessels.

The barques Eagle, Kruzenshtern, and Mircea; the schooners Capitan Miranda, Virginia, Pride of Baltimore were just some of the ships that I toured. It was a marvelous experience.

Hope that you are having a peaceful Sunday.

Tall ships

This weekend is Harbor Fest here in the old port city. There are going to be eighteen tall ships from all over the world here.

I think that the ship that I am most excited about seeing is the Russian ship Kruzenshtern which is a four masted barque that is 396 feet long. She is the second biggest tall ship in the world.

Unfortunately, the Kruzenshtern suffered a broken foremast on her voyage from Bermuda to port here. She was under full sail in a thunderstorm. Nearly the upper half of the whole mast structure has folded over to the starboard side.

Fortunately no one was injured. But I can imagine that those who live on this ship and love her are disheartened at the damage done. Hopefully, she will be made whole again. I think that it would be a great loss if she weren't fixed.

The damage done to such a large ship makes me mindful of the great power of storms at sea. I have always thought the old Breton fisherman's prayer: "O God, Thy Sea Is So Great And My Boat Is So Small" described the situation so well.

And it describes a lot of situations in life in general. God's abundance is so great compared to mine.

Have a great Saturday. I'm going to take the Water Taxi over to the Maritime Center and start photographing those ships. Hope to post photos later.

The standoff

I have noticed one of the peculiar things about being in recovery is that my control meter has moved into the "below detectable limits" zone. And sometimes this results in a standoff between me and the alcoholic around planning things.

It's not unlike the impasse featured in those old western movies, when two people have their guns trained on each other knowing that neither person can make a move without endangering their life. Our standoff isn't so drastic but sometimes it does feel like a challenge.

Here are some examples:

Say if we have talked about going out to dinner. I will ask, "Where would you like to go?" She will say, "Oh wherever you like." And that puts the control of things right in my lap where I don't really want it to be.

Or maybe we are discussing what to do for the weekend. I want to go out on the boat so I will ask if my wife wants to go along. Sometimes I'll get a definitive answer while other times I might get an answer such as, "Let's wait and see how I feel about it on Friday."

And when these non-answers occur I let them drop like an alien object that I'm curious about but don't want to touch. I may inspect it with my eyes and long to put my hands on it to turn it over and look for an opening, but I make myself leave it alone. It's like both of us are eying this thing that is there in front of us, and each is waiting for the other to pick it up.

So therein lies the standoff. I really want an answer and to firm up some plans, but I'm not going to go into controlling mode to choose the place that we go to eat or force an answer about weekend plans.

Frankly, I'm tired of being in charge. I get tired of suggesting things to do. So after a while, I quit suggesting. And yes, we still go out to dinner and on the boat. Because after a while, one of us will decide to make a move. My solution is to not force that move until the very last minute. And then I will say something like, "I would like to go to dinner at _____. Would you like to join me?" Or, "I'm going out on the boat this weekend and would like to have you come along." If I get a negative then I still go.

I think that this may be some kind of passive/aggressive stuff about control. I'm not sure, but I am much happier with the idea of not forcing my agenda on another. And apparently that makes her a lot happier as well.

Rise and fall

Around sunset yesterday I was walking on the beach looking at the tall ships that had come into the Harbor for the maritime festival. It was peaceful with the waves lapping on the shore, the sun going down, and a gentle breeze blowing away the heat of the day.

I was watching a little girl dancing in the sand while her dad took photos of the setting sun. Little did I know at the time that a few blocks away Jenny Sanford and her four children were dealing with the fallout of her husband's affair.

I'm not going to pass any judgment on Gov. Sanford. I have my own opinions about his political views but am not going to write about that here. I have a lot of compassion for human failing. What happened to him has happened in marriages for centuries and will continue to happen. I like what the Big Book has to say," We do not want to be the arbiter of anyone's sex conduct" (I have often wondered why the sexual inventory is discussed on pg. 69). And I like that one can make amends and restitution for wrongs done.

But how this all plays out with his family is between them. I know that it's going to be painful and difficult. This is their dark night of the soul.

Marriage can be a wonderful thing, and it can also be difficult. I have no idea what went on behind the walls of the Governor's mansion. But somehow, someway there must have been isolation and desolation. And a kind of desperation that leads people down a path where they grope for anything, booze, sex, pills, to escape the deadness of the soul.

I hope that this family will be able to work through their pain. Maybe a walk on the beach to watch the sunset will help.

What I'm about

Mama PJ posted this on her blog. The idea is to list what you are about without stopping to think about it. I guess this is a stream of consciousness about who I am and what I like. I don't think that there is a limit but I'm going to stop when I can't come up with anything else. So, today I’m about…

1. restoring my soul with the beauty that surrounds me
   
2. the flowers that are abundant in the yard at our home
3. picking and finding interesting ways to eat the vegetables that are plentiful now in the garden
4. getting enough sleep without any bad dreams at night
5. being comfortable with my surroundings
   
6. being in love with life and some special people in it
   
7. talking to the dogs and watching their silliness as they play
8. having the cats purring on my chest this morning
   
9. seeing the many sailboats from my window
10. wonder at puffy white clouds and blue sky
    
11. modern technology that I know how to use
    
12. having enough money to be generous to others
    
13. acceptance and open minded views
14. getting "I love you" calls
15. doing my part to make the environment better
    
16. being comfortable with the clothes I wear
    
17. not being judgmental or unkind
    
18. talking to an old colleague who will retire at the same time that I do
19. a sentimentality that often brings tears to my eyes
20. being who I am, all of me good and bad
    

If you want to write what you're about, please do so.

Cross talk

My home group meeting has several newcomers to Al-Anon. And they know each other from their church. So with their familiarity, the meeting becomes a bit dominated by the newcomers who like to cross talk with each other.

Personally, I find the interruptions distracting. Meetings are a sacred place for me. And to have chatter going on about shares is mostly a serenity breaker for me. I guess that I'm a bit rigid when it comes to meeting formats. It's that perfectionist character defect coming up.

Actually, the World Service Organization has no rule against "cross talk" though it is avoided as a matter of custom at most of the meetings I attend. Typically "cross talk" refers to people speaking out of turn, interrupting someone while they are speaking or giving direct advice to someone in a meeting. At most meetings, we each share our own experience and avoid giving direct advice or lecturing a group or individual.

Sometimes the cross talk can take a harmful format though. I've not heard it much but occasionally have heard from newcomers: "You really oughta" or "You need to" or simply not speaking from experience, strength and hope.

Because Al-Anon has no "rules", the ultimate arbiter of the subject is the individual group. I can see that newcomers often need to speak up and are seeing much of what is shared from their own painful perspective. That's really okay as they need to feel safe and just have the courage to speak up in the group.

And if members know one another well, as they tend to in small groups like my home group, they feel comfortable about adding to what another said. Often there will be a crisis situation that will be shared. Last night, a member shared that her son had gone back out and was arrested. She shared her pain and others chimed in to reassure or to share theirs.

But there is a different view point on cross talk too. Having come from a situation in which there was alcoholism, I often felt invalidated and ignored. What I wanted was to be heard and listened to. So giving each other undivided attention and acceptance at meetings is reassuring in many ways. I don't want someone to editorialize my share, belittle what I have to say, or offer advice in a meeting.

For me, cross talk is a fragile balance between being direct and to the point and between interrupting to the extent where I wonder is this helping ANYONE or is this just taking up space and using up oxygen in the room? We are only experts on us. Barring psychosis, we know what we did and where we were and how we felt about it. The "Why" isn't always so obvious and takes a lot of inventorying.

But people who are allowed to analyze other people have to have a degree in psychology and a license. When someone shares in an Al-Anon meeting, the value, besides letting them unload, is in letting us see ourselves through their stories. We may not be in all of them, but we will be in many. And in seeing ourselves through the mirror of another person we can be helped to change ourselves. It is not our responsibility to change that person, and we have no reason to assume we are qualified to point out what they are doing right or wrong.

Another viewpoint about cross talking can be inferred from the Traditions. It may violate Tradition One which speaks of our unity and common welfare. And it also seems that Tradition Twelve which says that we place principles above personalities comes into play. I like the idea of keeping the meetings principle centered and not personality centered.

It is to the particular credit of our program that each group, autonomous yet devoted to the principles of the program is free to develop its own personality and that in many places there are a number of meetings in which each of us can find the group which nurtures us in our growth.

sponsor-sponsee relationship

I wrote a couple of weeks ago that my sponsor has been away on a journey across the US to see the sights and to visit with children along the way. I have kept in contact, mostly by phone, although we have emailed some as well.

I am grateful for the relationship that we have. It seems that we are able to maintain a closeness and trust that seems different in some ways from what I've had with my sponsees. It seems that we are able to communicate and share opinions through thick and thin. Maybe my sponsor is a paternal figure to me. There likely is some "transference" there. Or maybe it's just the time that we have spent soul searching.

I am not a very paternal person generally. My approach with my sponsees has been to remain detached and yet available to them. I have to admit that it's not easy for me to ignore some of the personalities. I do think that I place principles above personalities with the sponsees. Often, all I can do is repeat the same things over and over trying to get the message across.

The will of individuals is a remarkable thing. Mine was broken when I came into the program. Through trusting another human being, I went to a meeting. And through the grace of my Higher Power, I found my sponsor. He has shown me how to keep the focus on myself and to know how to detach with love.

Those are valuable tools that have helped me in sponsoring others. And maybe those are the tools that are necessary in order to help a person in pain due to the effects of the disease of alcoholism. With each sponsee, I share my personal experience, strength, and hope. What has been different with my sponsor and me is that as time has gone on, we formed a bond that our mutual trust brought forth between two people who have shared and bared their souls.

I am not at that point with my sponsees. In all honesty, I feel compassion but am able to maintain detachment. So far, I have maintained a "stick by the rules in recovery" type of relationship in which we focus on the steps. Maybe I feel the need to protect myself from myself so that I'm not drawn into more co-dependence. As my sponsor wrote to me: "....Our basic co-dependence never goes away. It may diminish somewhat, but it's awfully hard to change a leopard's spots."

But when a sponsee decides to move on, I have felt sadness as they seemed to want to do the work but for whatever reason were drawn away. Some of these, I haven't heard from again. I reflect on that and how people move in and out of our lives without looking back. My relationship with sponsees is a little like that of a guide. I listen, share, and go about what we are there to discuss: the steps. I am not a professional step guru, therapist, parent, sibling, or child of - - - I am an Al-Anon member who has continued with my recovery by giving away something that was given to me.

The sponsor/sponsee bond is one that we can hold onto, allow it to grow, and simply let it 'go away' after enough energy has been expended. When a person leaves that special relationship, it usually has no personal meaning - - - it just happens.

Heard in a meeting and a message to my dad

We're here because we weren't all there.

You can be a survivor or a victim. Being a survivor means that you work through things. Being a victim brings a lot of pain.

There are times when I think that there will be no more good times. But being in here, I can dare to hope and not let disappointment wreck me.

Nothing wastes more energy than worrying.....The longer one carries a problem, the heavier it gets.

Don't take things too seriously...... Live a life of serenity, not a life of regrets.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I wrote this letter to my father when I did my ninth step. It seems appropriate to post it here today as I did several years ago:

Dear Dad:

I think about you often and over the past year have come to love you more than I believe I ever did. I have thought and spoken of all the things that you taught me. I wouldn’t have learned to love the water as I do if it hadn’t been for you. And because of what you taught me about boats, I’ve made a career of not only doing my work from boats but seeing many things in the ocean that few have ever seen. I am grateful for what I learned from you.

I’ve often wished that you were here so that we could talk about how things are now in my life. I’m not the same person that I was in 1985 which was the last time that I talked with you. And I’m not the same person that I was a year ago when I decided to change my life for the better. I’m in a program that has helped me to learn more about myself and to take responsibility for how I live my life. I always thought that I was responsible in my life but the difference is that I’m living a spiritual life now. And it’s a wonderful feeling because it means that I can look inward at myself and my faults in an effort to be a better person. And I can do this without being afraid. I no longer am angry at myself or feel empty.

I know that when I was young, I was strong willed, independent and proud. I loved you, but I also feared you. I wanted your approval and thought that I could get that by changing who I was. Yet in doing so, I built up resentment and anger. There were times when I wished that you would die. I know now that I can change but it’s to be the person that my Higher Power wants me to be. I no longer want to shape myself to be what another person wants me to be. I don’t need to do that anymore.

I have learned from this spiritual program that we all make mistakes in living and that we all need improvement. I know that you did the best that you could do for me. I realize that you always loved me and wanted what was best for me. You taught me many good traits of character. These are lessons that I will carry with me and that will hold me in good stead for the rest of my life.

What I need to tell you is that I also always loved you. For those times when I was filled with resentment and anger, I am truly sorry. I have learned that resentment and fear are human emotions but that they keep me from being truly free in my mind and heart. I am working every day to recognize when resentment and fear occur and take steps to not be consumed by them.

Finally, I want you to know that if I could physically be with you today, I would take you out on my boat, show you the beauty of the water here, and enjoy your company.

Your loving son,

Syd

cool breeze

My wife is coming back home this afternoon. She has had a lovely time on Nantucket. I have had a busy time here.

The weather has been cool and pleasant up north. She has walked in the ocean, lounged in the beach house, enjoyed her time with friends. It has been hot and oppressively humid here. I have had my own time to reflect and relax but mostly indoors. When outside, I have felt compelled to get what I needed to do done in order to get back inside. Even the beach has been hot.

Her return will be like a breath of cool air for me. I have missed her.

Have a good Saturday.

Sexual inventory

I was reading Mr. Sponsor Pants today and thought that I would call attention to his excellent post (most of his posts are all excellent by the way) on a newcomer wanting sex with someone in the AA fellowship. I'm not going to recap his response here as you can read it and absorb it for yourself.

I was thinking though about the sexual inventory part of the fourth step. My sponsor had me do my fourth step using the Big Book method as well as Al-Anon's Blueprint for Progress. The fourth step as described in the Big Book lays out the inventory of sexual conduct in a thorough manner:

"We reviewed our own conduct over the years past. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate? Whom had we hurt? Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion or bitterness? Where were we at fault, what should we have done instead? We got this all down on paper and looked at it.

In this way we tried to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life. We subjected each relation to this test-was it selfish or not? We asked God to mold our ideals and help us to live up to them. We remembered always that our sex powers were God-given and therefore good, neither to be used lightly or selfishly nor to be despised and loathed.

Whatever our ideal turns out to be, we must be willing to grow toward it. We must be willing to make amends where we have done harm, provided that we do not bring about still more harm in so doing. In other words, we treat sex as we would any other problem. in meditation, we ask God what we should do about each specific matter. The right answer will come, if we want it" from How It Works, Alcoholics Anonymous.

I wrote out my inventory thinking that Mr. Brown looked pretty good compared to my story. After writing out my fourth step I had planned to take it to a meeting with my sponsor so that we could discuss it. But for some strange reason that I will never fathom (God's plan not mine?), I left that inventory on the counter at home.

Later during the day, my wife was doing something in the kitchen and the inventory papers were knocked off the counter. Guess what page was on top when she picked up the papers off the floor? Yep, the sexual inventory. Right there. Laid out in great detail. Every past relationship with names and my conduct in the relationship.

I remember the look on her face when I got home that evening. I remember the feeling of regret and shame that I felt as well. I'm not going into further details here, but it was a hurtful experience.

Yet, that experience also brought with it an opportunity to heal by getting information out in the open. What was immediately hurtful became truthful. I think that my acknowledgment on paper of my part helped us both to see the healing and humility of the fourth step. We didn't retread that path, and in many ways it was an opportunity to do a living amends.

Surrender

I talked with a sponsee last night. He has separated from his wife, who is addicted to cocaine, crack and alcohol. The wife is in a local hospital's psych unit because she took a bunch of pills earlier in the week. After taking the pills, she called to tell him. And she blamed her suicide attempt on his filing for divorce. Nice.

Anyway, he is pretty much a mess and is still getting roped in by the master manipulations of the addict/alcoholic. She will call and ask to come back home. He says that he doesn't think that is a good idea. She will then say that she is going to stay clean and that her sobriety will go so much better if they get back together. He finds it hard to stay detached. Sigh.

He wants to know how I finally quit being roped in by the manipulations and repeated promises of the alcoholic. I told him that I finally was laid so low that I gave up my attempts to control or to believe that I could help her. In short, I surrendered. I knew that I was desperately sick myself and that I no longer thought that there was any hope for our relationship. I simply wanted to see if I could save myself. I wanted to live again.

He hears this but doesn't seem to be at the point yet that he is willing to work on his own insanity around the alcoholic/addict. She is still his higher power. He doesn't want to work the steps but calls me to unload when things get heavy. I told him that I found joy and a greater amount of happiness than I thought possible through working the steps. I trusted the process. I trusted my sponsor. And I learned to trust in a Higher Power.

I can only share how it worked for me. He will surrender when the pain becomes bad enough.

Meeting places

My home group meets in a moldy old church building with no toilets available. Plenty of times I've had to go out to the grave yard to water a bush or tree. The building has ceiling tiles that have fallen in to expose insulation. The heating and AC aren't working well.

Yet, there is a brand new church just across the road. Apparently, there are issues that the vestry has with whether or not the AA/Al-Anon groups should have access to the new building. A TV disappeared from the old meeting building over six months ago. The AA fellowship was blamed for the missing TV.

There are other meeting places in the area where funds were stolen. This resulted in a lot of hard feelings as this was an AA club house that had a safe in the floor. No one was ever arrested for the theft of the money.

I've also noted that meeting attendees could be more respectful and considerate of the people who share the facility with them. Cigarette butts left outside on the grounds are a major issue. People are often inconsiderate about where they park their cars.

Complacency can allow some of the things to happen that are inappropriate. One member described complacency as "live and let live" disguised. I believe that it is part of the trusted servant status to make sure that meeting places are left in the same or better state after they are used by the fellowship. It is a good idea to remove all evidence of a meeting after the meeting is over. That way no can complain about problems with the fellowship.

I'd like to hear about your experiences and thoughts about meeting places. There is a solution.

Levitating

I was going through some of the daily readers last night and came across this from Daily Reflections. It was a perfect reminder of what to do when I am getting impatient with myself.

"Impatience with other people is one of my principal failings. Following a slow car in a no-passing lane, or waiting in a restaurant for the check, drives me to distraction. Before I give God a chance to slow me down, I explode, and that’s what I call being quicker than God. That repeated experience gave me an idea. I thought if I could look down on these events from God’s point of view, I might better control my feelings and behavior. I tried it and when I encountered the next slow driver, I levitated and looked down on the other car and upon myself. I saw an elderly couple driving along, happily chatting about their grandchildren. They were followed by me–bug eyed and red of face–who had no time schedule to meet anyway. I looked so silly that I dropped back into reality and slowed down. Seeing things from God’s angle of vision can be very relaxing."

Since my wife has been out of town, I've found that there is a lot to do from dawn until hours after dark. Now that she is retired, she spends a lot of time working on the garden and around the house. After I got home from work, I worked in the garden, picked vegetables, walked the dogs, cut grass, and eventually cooked dinner.

I was getting impatient with myself as I was rushing to get everything done. I was hot from the oppressive heaviness of the humid air and dirty from all the chores. As I was picking beans, squash, eggplant, cherry tomatoes, and peppers from the garden, I had to laugh. Here I was with all of this bounty of food from the garden, and I was focused on a schedule. Instead of just enjoying the moment, my mind was moving ahead to the next thing to get done.

So if I had looked down on the event from God's point of view, I would have seen a grubby man, drenched with sweat standing in a lovely garden furiously picking vegetables. Two of the dogs would have been looking at me and gently wagging their tails, no doubt wondering in their doggy minds about what all the hurry was about.

God would then have seen me laugh at myself, take the basket of produce, go to the house and fix a dinner of squash casserole, steamed green beans, eggplant fried with cinnamon, cherry tomatoes dusted with sea salt, and a cucumber and green onion salad. Cooking eased the impatience and a feeling of great satisfaction and peace came instead. I felt as if I were levitating after that meal.

Ups and downs

Friday afternoon with the Brownies was great. I haven't been around such well-behaved children in a long time. They were interested, asked questions, and had a blast on the beach. They even wanted to share their beach "treasures" with others who might not have found as much. It was a really fun time. After we were all back on the boat, they opened up their bags and shared what they had found with the whole group. And they knew the names by then of most of the shells and other sea life. Good kids.

Saturday was a rough day since there was a terrific storm that came up in the afternoon while I was trying to sail back to the marina. I had an agenda to get home in the early evening since I had to take my wife to the airport for a 7 AM flight on Sunday. One of the things that I have found with sail boats is to not have an agenda because so much is dependent on the wind and the tides. So I had the wind and the tide against me as I was trying to leave. I also was trying to sail while 30 knot winds were gusting due to the storm. I couldn't make any headway. So I motored back to the anchorage and waited out the storm and for the incoming tide.

The 20 somethings were partying like crazy on their boats regardless of the storm, wind and rain. They were in various stages of drunkenness. And all I could think about was when I was going to be able to get underway so that I could get home. Most of the time, the partying crowd doesn't bother me. They play music on big thumping stereo systems, grope each other, fall overboard, pee overboard, and fling obscenities back and forth. I ignore this stuff because I know that eventually they will leave, and all will be quiet again for my overnight stay at the island. But on Saturday, I wasn't going to spend the night and wanted to get home.

My impatience did no good. After the storm, the wind died. It was as calm as a pond. The sails hung uselessly. So after an hour of just wallowing, I fired up the engine and motored back. Once back at the dock, I had work to do. I cleaned up the boat, stowed the sails, put the dinghy away, and then headed home. It was nearly 10 PM when I arrived. I felt so bad because I had wanted to spend the evening with my wife. I felt selfish that I had gone out on the boat, tried to follow a schedule, and got a lesson in humility once again.

My wife was glad that I made it back. She had everything packed for her trip to Nantucket. We at least got to sleep hugging each other.

On Sunday, the alarm went off at 4 AM. We had coffee and then headed to the airport. She is looking forward to some cool weather and time with her friends. I got a much needed nap and later talked to her after she arrived at the beach house on Nantucket. The house here seems empty without her. For dinner, I fixed a nice salad with cucumbers and tomatoes from the garden, marinated some shrimp and grilled them, grilled a piece of London broil, and had a warm brownie for dinner. Just me and the dogs and cats watching the rain pouring down from an early evening shower.

Today is a beautiful day but hot. There is no breeze and a slight haze is over the water. There will probably be another pop up thunder storm this evening. My wife says that it is in the 60's on Nantucket. I miss her.

Heard in a meeting

Love is understanding, acceptance, tenderness. If it tries to strangle and possess, it is not love.


Trust is like a bridge: Once burned it is hard to get back.


People do the best they can do. If they could do better they would.


The more I do the things I fear, the less I fear them.

Barrier island

The island that I sail to is a barrier island. It used to have a light station with a keeper's house and several outbuildings.

Now the old lighthouse is all that remains, and it sits about 300 yards offshore of the island, isolated due to heavy erosion and completely surrounded by water. The waves and shifting sands eradicated visible traces of what used to be there.

The history of the island has interested me for some time. During the Civil War, the island was heavily fortified by Confederate forces to defend the harbor, with the fortifications centered on Fort Wagner.

A Union assault against Battery Wagner attempted to capture the Battery and the remainder of the low, sandy, flea infested island (know locally as Coffin Island due to its use as a Lazzaretto and leper colony prior to the war). After a heavy naval and land bombardment, as assault force led by the 54th. Massachusetts, a black regiment of free men from the North, went in with fixed bayonets to storm the fort. The fighting was fierce and the 54th Massachusetts saw heavy casualties. The ill-fated assault was depicted in the movie Glory.

Eventually, the Confederates abandoned Morris Island due to heavy shelling by Union forces on Battery Wagner. The Union forces used the island to install a gun crew for a cannon, known as the Swamp Angel, that was used to fire on the city. The Swamp Angel sent 16 shells into the city resulting in heavy damages.

Most of the island eroded away after the war and the site of the Fort is today underwater. There are some traces of the Swamp Angel Battery still remaining though. Relics are occasionally found there.

Plans to commercially develop the 125 acres of high ground on Morris Island as a luxury residential area resulted in several groups fighting to have the island declared a national historical park. Fortunately, a non-profit private land conservation organization purchased the island so that it will be preserved and protected from development.

This afternoon I'm doing an educational outreach program for 50 Brownie scouts on Morris Island. I think that I'll focus more on the critters found on the barrier island beach. The island has about 3.5 miles of beach. It's a great place to find shells, ancient shark's teeth, Clovis spearheads, starfish, and other sea life that is left on the beach by the receding tides.

Palmetto trees, cedar trees, and other remnants of a scrub-shrub habitat have fallen and lie like bleached bones from the effects of erosion. The interior of the island has vegetation, mosquitoes, biting flies, deer and small mammals. It's a great opportunity to get to one of my favorite spots, help educate some young ladies, and get out of the office on this beautiful Friday.

Have a good one yourself.

Tragedy

I was stunned to hear on the news about the shooting at the U.S. Holocaust Memorial and Museum. A guard died at the hands of an 88-year-old white supremacist.

The alleged shooter denied that the Holocaust ever occurred. His writings revealed a lifetime of seething anger against Jews and African-Americans.

When I visited the Museum in April, I felt that it was a sacred place. I felt that it was a place where commemoration, responsibility, reckoning and understanding came together.

It is hard to reconcile what happened yesterday with what the Museum represents: "A place of deep sadness and a sanctuary of bright hope" (President Clinton). I don't understand the motivation to hate to the point of killing. I don't know what was in the mind of this man. All I can do is send a prayer for the family of the victim, pray to let go of anger against the shooter, and leave the rest up to my Higher Power.

Restraint of tongue and pen

"Nothing pays off like restraint of tongue and pen. We must avoid quick-tempered criticism and furious, power-driven argument. The same goes for sulking or silent scorn. These are emotional booby traps baited with pride and vengefulness. Our first job is to sidestep the traps. When we are tempted by the bait, we should train ourselves to step back and think. For we can neither think nor act to good purpose until the habit of self-restraint has become automatic." Step 10. From 12 x 12

I am learning restraint and have been for several years. Yet, there are still times that I want to unload with both barrels of a verbal tirade. There are many times when I can feel what I perceive as injustice, lack of respect, and just plain selfishness from another inviting me to let go of all restraint.

I have read that reactivity is a mindless, thoughtless reflex and involves the least evolved, most primitive parts of us humans. Restraint on the other hand is equated with thoughtful, conscious self-control and indicates better ego functioning. All very true. But there are moments when the primitive parts of myself are fighting with the more civilized me. It would be so easy to let the beast within win.

I think that I've always been a sensitive person. I know that I'm an intuitive person. I can feel a slight in the air almost like a dog can air scent his beloved human. This hypersensitivity has created a lot of problems in relationships over my life time. It's because I knew that I was being told lies, I knew that the promises were going to be broken, I knew that something unpleasant was going to occur.

And yet, I generally didn't go into an external rage. I wasn't a dish thrower, a verbal abuser, or a trafficker in sarcasm. Instead, I practiced restraint. I would try to rationalize, and yes, deny what I was really feeling. But my restraint only went so far. Instead of voicing my displeasure and binging on an emotional outburst, I would opt to be the wounded victim, the self-righteous martyr. Rather than confront a situation directly, I would give the silent treatment. And all the while inside I was fuming, wanting to release the tiger from the cage.

I still do some of that manipulative self-righteous fuming. But I have also learned to speak up in a rational and reasonable way when something really bothers me. I generally think about what is going on, what I feel, look at what my role is, and make a decision whether it is important enough (How important is it?) to speak up about. Often times if I have a "cooling off" period and detach from the situation, I decide that the affront wasn't really about me. I don't know the intentions of another and what is going on with them. Maybe they are just having a bad day, a bad week, a bad month, a bad year, a bad life.

If I do decide to speak up about something, then the approach that I now use is to be direct and say what is bothering me: e.g. "I am uncomfortable about....". I think that a measured approach rather than the shotgun blast approach is less messy and isn't tinged with regret later. Because once out of my mouth, I've found that the indignant rage will deflate me faster than a pin stuck in a balloon. I feel blown apart, without any energy or purpose.

There are lots of triggers that can sabotage self-restraint when it comes to personal relationships. I know that I don't want to swing from one extreme to the other by either reacting too much or restraining myself too much. I strive for balance and awareness. Hopefully, those will take me on the higher road to kindness.

Trampling of the heart

Sometimes memories come from out of the blue. These memories can run the gamut of time: running barefoot as a child through yard, my grandmother dying in a nursing home, my tears when my first love rejected me, the beauty of sunlight like diamonds on the water beckoning me, seeing my old dog as a young puppy bossing the other pups around, my wife's smile that still takes my breath away, and so many more....

These memories have the ability to trample my heart because they rush at me, tumbling through my mind. Sometimes the memories are so pleasant that I go over them again and again, wanting to relive those lost moments. I want to feel that first kiss again, hold the wiggling puppy in my arms, run like the wind, wear life like a loose garment.

Then there are the painful memories that dig their way into my psyche and take root in my mind. I'm glad that I can pull myself back to the present. I don't want to have the suffering and pain of this life bury the good feelings that are there. I don't want to have my heart be trampled.

I saw how sad and hopeless a young woman was at the meeting last night. She lives with an alcoholic husband who is verbally abusive. Her heart is being trampled right now. A sponsee called this morning to tell me that his wife who is a crack addict overdosed on pills yesterday and is in a coma in the hospital. His heart is being trampled too. I hope that eventually they will be able to turn these memories over so that the ones that are filled with love will come to the surface.

"Tragedy stays alive by feeling what's been done to us, while peace comes alive by living with the result." Mark Nepo

Waterspout

Here are some impressions from the weekend:

-Friday's winds were fresh and made for an exciting sail in the harbor.

-Saturday afternoon was stormy with a waterspout spotted near the Harbor. The winds around this waterspout were reported to be nearly 70 mph. Luckily, we didn't experience that at our sheltered anchorage.

-Saturday afternoon visiting with some other sailboat people turned into an impromptu dinner on board one of the larger boats.

-The dinner was fun with the exception of a tipsy woman who decided to vent her frustrations by spouting a bunch of sarcasm aimed at the other women.

-She succeeded in only embarrassing herself. No one else, not even her husband, decided to own her spewed stuff.

-Sunday was a gorgeous day with lots of sun, puffy cumulus clouds and fair winds.

-We found several shark's teeth and a spear head during our beach walk. It made me wonder what that man was thinking about as he chipped at making his weapon. Dating between 11,300 and 10,900 years ago, Clovis points are the earliest spear points from North America.

-Our solar shower produced water that was too hot to use. I found out the hard way. Yeow....

-The real shower back home was just right.

-Dinner later at my wife's parents house was enjoyable and relaxing.

-The sheets felt cool, and there were no mosquitoes buzzing around.

-I'm a bit tired but rejuvenated from sun, sand and sea.

-Tonight is home group with our topic being Tradition Six.

Have a good Monday.

Heard in a Meeting

• Boundaries are a tool not a weapon.

• Fear and faith can't exist in my head at the same time

• Resentment is an opportunity to be self-righteous.

• I thought that my intelligence fueled by will power could rightly control my life and guarantee me success in the world. I was wrong.
  

• I have trusted others to make things right for me. That's an impossible task.

• Character defects aren't like hills and valleys but like a railroad: Good and bad in parallel.
  

• I practice the three Gets: Get out of the way, Get off their back, Get on with my life

If you have some good things that you have heard in a meeting, then post them on your site. It might be a good Sunday meme to start. Just an idea!

What I have been trained to do

I enjoy reading. It's one of the things that I have always enjoyed, from childhood through adulthood. Many of the modern writers that are considered creative geniuses were alcoholic. Take for instance Sinclair Lewis, Hart Crane, Eugene O'Neill, William Faulkner, F. Scott Fitzgerald, and Ernest Hemingway: All were alcoholic. Sinclair Lewis once asked, ''Can you name five American writers since Poe who did not die of alcoholism?''

There are about thirty writers who were seriously knocked around by drink, and seven or eight killed by it. One of the interesting semi-autobiographical novels about alcoholism was written by Jack London. In John Barleycorn, he writes: "I achieved a condition in which my body was never free from alcohol. Nor did I permit myself to be away from alcohol. If I traveled to out-of-the-way places, I declined to run the risk of finding them dry. I took a quart, or several quarts, along in my grip. I was carrying a beautiful alcoholic conflagration around with me. The thing fed on its own heat and flamed the fiercer. There was no time in all my waking time, that I didn't want a drink."

London also writes about the hopelessness of his drinking: "I have decided coolly and deliberately that I shall continue to do what I have been trained to want to do: I will drink--but oh, more skillfully, more discreetly, than ever before." For the next three years he tried to do that. He decided to go on drinking because he decided he had a right to; that this right derived from his having "been trained to want to."

Jack London rationalized his drinking. He thought that the problem was totally one driven by a "habit of mind". His need was mental and social: "When I thought of alcohol, the connotation was fellowship. When I thought of fellowship, the connotation was alcohol. Fellowship and alcohol were Siamese twins. They always occurred linked together."

He tried to drink "more skillfully" and perhaps for a while his attempt at controlled drinking may have seemed to work. But Jack London was almost as consumed with his drinking problem as he was with the drink itself. Eventually though, drinking got the best of him.

For him, there was no 12 step program. The book John Barleycorn tells 'what it was like'. But there was no 'what happened, and what it is like now.' He became comatose early in the morning of November 16, 1916. By seven that evening he was dead. His death was from a lethal dose of morphine sulphate with complications from uremia and kidney failure. Jack London was just forty and world-famous. The book is a chilling portrait of what alcoholism did to London.

Friday reflections

It's a slightly overcast day here with puffy cumulus clouds hanging close to the horizon. There's some light wind making ripples on the harbor water. I can see the church steeples over in the city as they thrust upward and above the other buildings. There may be a thunderstorm later.

Yesterday, I watched four racing sailboats set out for the final leg of an around the world race. Today, the harbor has a few cruising boats visible, but no brilliant spinnakers are billowing. I wonder what it's like to leave port and set off on the final leg of a grueling trip across the Atlantic. These sailors have already been 3/4 of the way around the world, including the dreaded passage past Cape Horn.

I'm thinking today about the trip that my sponsor is going to take. He's leaving this weekend to drive across the country. One if by land, and two if by sea. Both will yield much knowledge of self and surroundings.

I'm going to take off to go on the boat this afternoon and spend tonight through Sunday on the water. It has seemed like a long week. I've been on some antibiotics that have kicked my butt for most of the week. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 PM which is unheard of for me. Thankfully, today I feel rested.

I was reading this morning about the death of actor David Carradine. Now the news sources are saying that it was some kind of weird sex stimulation that required choking. Kung Fu was safer. I remember that program as a kid. I liked it, especially the wisdom of the Master. I'm sorry for Mr. Carradine and his family.

Speaking of weird, yesterday I got a call from a member of the public inquiring whether placing the stinging cells of jellyfish in his penis would be stimulating. I get some weird calls sometimes as a marine scientist but never one like that. Are these just other forms of getting "high" and enhancing the senses? I don't know the answer but told the fellow that called that he would no doubt be stimulated to get to an ER if he wrapped his wand in jellyfish tentacles. Enough of that .......

So I'm off to finish up some work. Hope that you are having a great Friday. I'm going to make the most out of this day.

Comfortable at meetings

I received a comment on a post yesterday about not feeling comfortable in meetings:
"Despite attending quite a few different al-anon meetings, I never found one where I felt comfortable. I felt a profound emotional disconnect at all of them. I'm wondering now whether that disconnect was me all along, not the meetings."

I can remember my first meeting really well. I can't say that I felt comfortable because it was difficult to walk into that room by myself. I was at such a low point that I'm not sure that I felt comfortable with anything in my life.

When the chair asked if there were any newcomers, I raised my hand. She asked me to talk about why I was there. I can't remember the exact words but do remember saying that I was at the end of my rope--angry, confused, hopeless, and feeling that my marriage was a failure.

A lot of people told me to "Keep coming back". I wasn't sure that I wanted to. I thought that it might be a mistake that I came at all. But a good friend had told me that I needed to be there. He said that it would help me. I believed what he said. So I went and kept going.

As I continued to go to that one meeting a week, I listened intently when individuals shared on topics and their own situations. I began to hear some of myself in their stories. They talked about things that I had been feeling. Listening to others helped me to learn about myself.

I met my sponsor at my third meeting there. I felt comfortable with this person. I had begun to see the individual personalities emerge after a few meetings. I knew that I wasn't going to mesh well with everyone. I felt comfortable with the fellow with the kind smile and warm eyes. His calmness and composure, and laid back attitude were things that made me know he would be the one that I asked to be my sponsor.

I continued going to that meeting for over a year. Eventually, I found other meetings that I enjoyed. My sponsor introduced me to my home group. And from the Al-Anon schedule I began to go to a number of meetings in the district. Although each meeting was slightly different, alcoholism was the common bond that brought us together.

I now go to 3-4 meetings a week as well as meeting with sponsees. I have come to see that meetings are part of the recovery process for me. They help me to look beyond my own narrow individual limits for help, understanding, and support.

I have seen lots of different personalities emerge in meetings. And the traditions at some have been disregarded. Some meetings have definite leaders who exert control and don't always "walk the talk". In many ways, those individuals have replicated my family of origin and have taught me about healthy boundaries and to "take what I like and leave the rest".

The consequence of coming, keeping and open mind, applying the steps, traditions, concepts, slogans, philosophy, literature and advice from my sponsor is that my life is much less reactive and more appropriately responsive to events that go on about and around me, in the rooms or not. If the truth is that those who have come from the disease and suffered the most have done so because of inappropriate and unacceptable choices and behaviors, then I don't need to have unreal expectations that they are going to immediately be okay because they are at a meeting.

Here are some things that I have decided to do in order to get what I need from meetings:

• Be the change I would like to see in the meeting.

• Keep the focus on myself
  

• Share my Experience, Strength and Hope and keep an open mind.

• Let go of expectations and Let God.
  

• Adhere to the Traditions myself

• Be of maximum service
  

Compassion

"I will stand within my own sacred circle and love myself, with no expectations from others ---- only accepting of my own beauty - both inside and out." Anonymous

One of the things about recovery that been most difficult for me is to start acknowledging my feelings. I think that for so long I've discounted how I feel. I've either ignored, repressed or faked unnatural feelings since I was a child.

Somewhere in childhood I learned that it was wrong for me to express how I really felt. So I've denied anger as an emotion and stuffed it. I've also not wanted to feel sad when things really hurt a lot. These were things that I picked up from my parents: don't show your feelings, deal with things and move on. The problem is that I didn't deal with things very well and would beat myself up for feeling what I did.

It's been difficult to get rid of the idea that something is wrong with me when I am feeling angry or hurt. I still try to excuse the actions of others when they say hurtful things. Even when something cuts to the core, I will make an excuse for the other person. The problem is that I have always been understanding of others but not compassionate enough with myself.

I have come to know a better way. I understand that my sickness lead me to deny what I felt, but my recovery tells me that I need to accept what I'm feeling. That means that I don't deny myself at the expense of making someone else feel good.

I know that years of denying my feelings led to a lot of self-hatred. I've often felt not "good enough", undeserving, unhappy with myself. Somewhere along the way, I decided that I couldn't get what I needed from within myself so I would look to others to validate me. I didn't learn healthy things like appreciating who I am, trusting myself, having confidence in myself.

In Al-Anon, I've learned that I don't need to continually beat up on myself. But that I can feel compassion for myself and stop punishing myself. And in lots of ways, I've given myself permission to enjoy life. I do good things for myself. Buying the sail boat was probably the best example and one that has given me the most pleasure. I don't listen to the negative thoughts about myself when I'm doing something that I'm passionate about. There simply isn't any room for negativity when all seems right with me.

I've also learned that by having compassion for myself, I am much more free of guilt and feelings of self-hate. And that has opened me up to feeling loved and loving. I have read that "love cannot be felt when there is no space for it." Compassion has helped me to open up a space within for love of me.

Entirely ready

"So Step Six - "Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character" - is A.A.'s way of stating the best possible attitude one can take in order to make a beginning on this lifetime job. This does not mean that we expect all our character defects to be lifted out of us as the drive to drink was. A few of them may be, but with most of them we shall have to be content with patient improvement. The words "entirely ready" underline the fact that we want to aim at the very best we know or can learn. "
- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 65

I like step study meetings and last night's home group topic was Step Six. I've shared about this step before. In my early days in the program, I was asked by my sponsor to estimate the number of character defects that I had. I smugly said "about 12". He chuckled.

Later, I understood the chuckle, when I wrote out my list of character defects and found to my amazement that I had 51 on my list. I went over those defects that I'd put on paper and asked myself which ones was I ready to be rid of and which ones I was clinging to. I put 51 small pieces of paper with each character defect listed in my God Box.

Each day as I would pull out a different defect, I would pray for the willingness to let it go. Those that I was still clinging to would go back in the box. And I would ask myself if I was willing to give up that defect in order to be happy. I still have a few of those defects that I haven't gotten rid of. I'm still clinging to them like a security blanket.

I know that one of these days these defects will be ones that I am entirely ready to have God remove. But those defects that I'm not aware of are the ones that will be sticking with me for a long time. That's why my sponsor thought that it was important to be really thorough in listing the defects.

Last night my sponsor and I talked about some defects that still hang with me: fear of rejection, controlling behavior, selfishness, dishonesty. And we talked about how we can choose to either beat ourselves up over these defects or choose spiritual release without self-condemnation.

Here are some positive thoughts about being entirely ready:
1. I'm entirely ready to let go of my self-hate and negative beliefs about myself. I am ready to acknowledge the good things about myself.
2. I am ready to delight in those things that bring me joy and not withhold from myself love, happiness, and enjoyment in life.
3. I am ready to let go of those things that I can't control or that stand in the way of my true happiness.

So this is my take on being entirely ready: when I truly feel that a trait of mine (say, selfishness) has outlived its usefulness, I will do my best to become willing to let go of it. It's an attitudinal shift that's called for; I have to be willing to let go of my old way of doing things, before new ways will occur to me.

Getting over resentment

With all the stuff going on in my head lately about my work and retirement, I'm surprised that I haven't felt more resentment. I did give thought to some of the incidences that I disliked. But I didn't get stuck in feeling bad for days. I was able to think about decisions without getting mired in resentment.

I used to replay an insult or slight over and over again. And each time I inflicted more suffering on myself. All this accomplished was that I felt worse, and the wrongs grew until they became hugely magnified in my head.

This mental habit of growing resentments extracts tremendous costs. My obsessing over a slight or a wrong did nothing to change the person I resented. It resolved nothing. Instead, it allowed others to dominate my thinking and become my Higher Power.

Here are some great words to think about:
"If you have a resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for that person or the thing that you resent, you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free. Ask for their health, their prosperity, their happiness, and you will be free.

Even when you don't really want it for them, and your prayers are only words and you don't mean it, go ahead and do it anyway. Do it every day for two weeks and you will find you have come to mean it and to want it for them, and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassionate understanding and love."

My sponsor told me to do this every day for a month. It helped me, even though at first the words were just mere words. Praying for those with whom I have difficulty helps to squeeze resentment out of our minds, because positive concern and resentment simply cannot coexist.
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PS: For those of you who use the embedded comment form below your post, I can't seem to leave comments. I don't know if this is a Blogger issue or not because it used to be no problem. Just wanted to let you know.