Happy birthday Mother

The mother looked adoringly down at the new baby.  Her green eyes, not focusing yet, looked up and a bit of a smile spread across her baby face.  She held her mother's finger in a fierce grip.  The mother looked at the child and said, "I think that I'll call you Elizabeth for you have the presence of a strong Queen".

Elizabeth did grow strong.  Always slight, she ran and played in the old house and the surrounding countryside.  Often hiding from her younger sister, she would laugh with glee at how much quicker she was.  She loved books and baffled people with her intellect.  She could remember dates and the most intricate details of literature.

Away at college, her intellect was further fueled by so many choices.  She was fierce with her mind.  She knew Latin and French. She studied biology and made intricate drawings.  She pressed leaves into the pages of the books she read as if to make a bookmark of memories.

She graduated college and went back home.  There she met a handsome man who took her breath away.  She was already engaged but couldn't get her mind off the tall man who would ride on his horse to visit her at the school.  It wasn't long before Elizabeth decided that life with the tall handsome man was what she wanted.  She broke off her engagement without another thought.

Elizabeth and the handsome man were married.  They played cards with friends, went out on her father's yacht, built a sturdy house, had flower gardens and enjoyed their time together.  Eventually, a child was born to them.  He was a surprise in a way as they had decided not to have children.

But Elizabeth looked down into the green eyes of her baby and watched as his eyes tried to focus.  A smile came across his lips, and he reached out to grasp her finger.  He held fast to it.

Many years later, the boy-turned-man held onto her hand.  The hand was thin with the skin nearly transparent, brittle like paper.  The blue veins stood out.  She looked at him with the green eyes that were now milky with age.  She told him that he was the most important thing in her life.  He smiled back at her knowing that to be true. 

Happy birthday to my beloved mother Elizabeth who left this earth in 2005. I treasure your spirit and all that you gave to me.

Growing things

I thought that I would share a few photos of the vegetable garden.  We do raised bed gardening for the most part, although we do have a lot of containers on the deck for tomatoes and herbs.  The raised beds are great because they are easy to weed and water, have high production, and are just plain cool.  So here are a few photos:

 The garden where a lot of good things are grown.  There is a lot of room to set up many raised beds.  We use the raked leaves for mulch around the beds.

Beans are coming up.  Note the drip irrigation system. 

The lettuce is ready to pick. Can't get enough of this stuff for salads.

The compost bins are filled.  We actually have four of these large bins for storing organic material used in compost.

Good amended soil from the compost bins.  The soil on the property is rich but the compost really makes it good for growing veggies.  We add some sanitized cow manure too.

Ahhh.....parsley.  We expect to see the black swallowtail caterpillars show up for a feast soon. That's why we grow a lot of parsley--the caterpillars have to eat too.  Nothing like fresh parsley and other herbs from the garden. 

So there you have it.  The garden is a thing of beauty this time of year.  However, by mid July when the heat and humidity have done their work,  I will long for the green freshness of the growing plants seen here.  Summer isn't kind to plants in this area.  There will be leggy tomatoes, borers in the squash, scraggly beans.  But the eggplant will survive and stand tall and proud with its purple fruit.  We will become innovative chefs of eggplant, fixing it in many ways.  I think that my favorite is to grill it with a sprinkling of cinnamon on top. 

Gardens are a great passion in this area.  The ones downtown are formal and not filled with anything edible. Our flower beds are like the English gardens with a riot of different plants in many colors.  Only the vegetables are lined up in even patterns, like soldiers in a phalanx.  It must be imprinted in the genes, a throwback to ancient ancestors--the need to grow something that is not only edible but pleasing to the eye and the psyche.

A friend's message

Last night, our Al-Anon group learned that one of its members had died.  He had only a few months from time of diagnosis to death.  I miss him, I really do.  He had several addicted children that caused a lot of stress in his life.  His career was pressure enough but the children nearly drove him insane.  His marriage became bad, he was paying for rehabs and treatment centers, and the stress was enormous.  He thought that he could somehow fix his addicted children. 

He didn't find Al-Anon for a long time, but when he did come, he was willing and ready.  He got a sponsor, worked the steps and had a good message to share.  He found that all the controlling he tried with his kids didn't work.  He let one son go to jail, didn't bail him out, and told him he loved him.  He told another not to come home for Christmas if he was still using.  He made boundaries and kept them.  And he found serenity by doing these things.

He always had a good message for the newcomers whose children were alcoholics/addicts.  He told them that nothing he said or gave to his children in the way of material things ever made any difference in their getting sober.  But what did make a difference was when he learned to keep his hands off those things that didn't belong to him.

I would visualize the unmarked piece of luggage that sits in the airport.  It doesn't have my name on it, but I decide to pick it up.  Inside is a shit bomb and when I accept the baggage that isn't mine, the shit bomb explodes.  And this will happen time after time until the decision is made not to pick up someone else's stuff.

I am thankful for the message.  I used to not only want to carry the shit of another but wallow in it.  Heck, I was baggage claim.  Now I realize that if something doesn't have my name on it, I don't pick it up.  It can just sit there and stink.

Thank you C. for sharing your message and for walking the talk.  You inspired a lot of people and gave them hope that they too could learn to live and find serenity amidst an ocean of chaos.  I wish that your stay here could have been longer.  But I'm grateful that you found peace during your final years.

What am I entitled to?

I was talking with a friend about the "sense of entitlement" that seems to permeate a lot of society today.  It's the narcissistic ego that tends to think that the world "owes" them something, and they intend to collect as soon as possible. Maybe you know someone who always wants more. Or who doesn't seem to appreciate what has been done.  There is no gratitude, no thanks.  These are the people who simply expect that they are the center of my world at all times.

I can remember my dad telling me that I was never satisfied.  I think that I was one of the kids who wanted something more, always searching for what I couldn't have.  I asked for a pony for years, and finally we got a dog that I loved.  The pony wish kept going until I had my own horse.  But I do remember being told not to whine or to pester.  My father didn't tolerate whining.  So perhaps that constrained the sense of entitlement to deserve what I want when I wanted it. 

I have worked for the things that I've achieved.  I never saw a different way.  There was no sense that I deserved something other than what I was working toward.  When it comes to my dealings with others, the whole sense of entitlement is a bit trickier.  With people I hold as acquaintances, I find that they deserve to be treated as I would like to be treated.  I see no point in being impatient or rude.  Instead I think that having compassion and humility are what help me to have a healthy and balanced sense of what I have and who I am. 

But I have also had an unhealthy sense of entitlement.  I have tried to control the alcoholics in my life so that they would do what I said.  That was because I thought I knew better than they did.  I also wanted them to shower me with affection when I didn't really show much affection to them.  Instead, I was filled with resentment.  I didn't get what I wanted when I wanted it. 

I'm glad to now have humility and to be grateful for what I have.  I receive many chances through God's grace to be a better person with the right sense of entitlement. I do believe that as long as I am able to love and respect myself then it is more likely that those things will be returned to me.

Tears from the heart

I have a lot of tears from my heart today.  The party last night was really nice.  It all went well.  I am posting a few photos here to give you an idea of the ambiance. The party was held at a very casual seafood place that sits on pilings over the water.  The original place burned several years ago.  It had written on its walls names that went back for years and years.  A little bit of the area's history burned on that day.  But the rebuilt place is getting to be as tacky as the old one was, and it is a great place to have a party.

The atmosphere was laid back, with good food, good music, and a good time.  I only felt sad a few times when people asked where C. was.  And one fellow asked how it was going to feel when I woke up one morning and there was no place to go (i.e. to work).  I said that there was always some place to go. His was the only negative comment of the evening.

After the party, I watched the Lois Wilson Story.  I think that a lot of people watched that movie.  I am not a movie critic so I'm not going to comment on whether the acting was good, or whether the plot dragged.

I can only go by what I felt during the movie.  I  know that I had a visceral feeling of anxiety when I watched the scenes with Bill W. in a drunken stupor.  And to see how the people around Lois, seven of them were named at the start of the movie, were affected by alcoholism rang so true. I could identify with every angry outburst, every look of disgust,  every bit of chaos.  The trip over old territory for me was smoother because of being in Al-Anon, but still it had an old familiar affect, similar to PTSD. I think that I could view both Lois and Bill with a great deal of compassion and not the hot anger that I used to feel that was fueled by resentment towards the alcoholics in my life. 

I felt my heart tear a bit at the utter selfishness of the alcoholic though.  And at Lois's pitiful attempts to control something and someone that is uncontrollable.  Tears came to my eyes when I heard her recite the 12 steps and the group joined hands for the Serenity prayer. 

This reminded me of just how grateful I am for the grace of a loving God who worked through Lois and Bill to have them pave the way to show future generations how to get out of the insanity of alcoholism. They and the other early followers of AA and Al-Anon were the ones who had to endure much suffering to put the programs into action.  We simply have to follow the directions already laid down in the 12 steps, the books, and the traditions that they were divinely inspired to provide. Yet, many stubbornly refuse to see the way out of their misery.  I am glad that I understood and got the message.  It's powerful how God showed me all manner of love and tolerance this evening.   My misery is optional today. 

Much going on

This afternoon is the "retirement" party.  I am taking my sponsor and another friend.  It is at a neat place overlooking the river. There will be music, BBQ, and some breezy weather to blow the "no-see-ums" away.  I have to say honestly that I am ambivalent about it at this point.  I just want to get through it.  If it's a good time then that will be great.  If it's not, then it will be over and that's okay too.  I've learned to have few expectations and to just go with the flow.

I stayed on the boat at the marina from Friday through this morning.  It has been blustery with storms rolling in this morning.  It rained most of the night.  At 2 AM, there was a lot of shouting at the marina.  I talked to a fellow who was rushing down the dock calling out for his 13 year old son who had gotten lost. He was in a panic.  So I kept an eye out, walking up on the boardwalk to see if there was a kid wandering around.  I heard the police announce that the boy had been found so I went back to our dock to tell the father.  He said, "Thank God" and took off running to get his son.  I was glad that the boy was found and not trying to play Hide and Seek on some of the boats. 

This morning I read on the front page that a 36 foot boat that used to dock at the marina was confiscated in a $30 million marijuana smuggling case off Bermuda.  The man who owns the boat is being held in jail in Bermuda.  He was well-known among local sailing enthusiasts.  Where does one put $30 million worth of marijuana on a 36 foot boat?  I don't think that the Bermudian authorities are much amused by drug smugglers so he is sitting in a cell awaiting a hearing.  It made me wonder how much of this kind of stuff goes on at a marina.  I confess to being naive about the waterfront drug scene.

And finally, tonight is the CBS movie about Lois Wilson.  It starts at 9 PM.  I am exiting the party to make it back to watch that program or at least that is my plan.  I am a bit tired after all the excitement last night.  Storms and lost children have left me rest broken.

Hope that you are enjoying your Sunday.  I'm going to take a quick nap before meeting up with my sponsor before the party.

Inspiring

The 60 7th graders that I gave the barrier island tour to were great. They were interested, well mannered, and appreciative. The young man above was proud of his finds and brought them back so we could discuss some biology if horseshoe crabs and sponges. It's an inspiration to instruct those who are willing to learn.

The same could be said for being in recovery. It's a joy to work with those who are willing. They are honest, put the time in, and appreciate all that is offered. They absorb recovery as if their life depended on it.

The others who are running on self will either get it eventually or they quit. Some won't get honest, preferring to hide their resentments and fear. They continue to lie and be a counterfeit person. The thing is, they fool no one.

I am glad to have trusted the process, my sponsor, and my Higher Power. I still have moments of self doubt but have learned that is not a terrible thing. It is much easier than ever to get back on track. I have a lot of enthusiasm for the miracle that allows me to be happy today.

ADHD and alcoholism

I have been wanting to write about this subject for a while.  I became interested in ADHD because I have a good friend who is a recovering alcoholic who seems to exhibit many of the symptoms of adult ADD inattentive type.

I know his story pretty well.  He has talked to me about his failure in school because he was bored.  He didn't want to do homework.  He only wanted to do what he enjoyed.  And when the subject was something that he enjoyed, he could hyperfocus. He can become obsessed with a subject and will talk over others in order to return back to the subject that interests him. Otherwise, he will "zone out" and day dream.

He also has an inability to sustain healthy relationships. Just as with classes, he was a stimulus seeker, often having multiple relationships at a time.  He would hyperfocus on a woman and then become bored when she would begin to be attached to him.  His communication skills were not good, often zoning out and not answering questions when spoken to. 

His ability to sustain a job has been minimal.  Once again he would like the job for a while and then become bored or start to find fault. He has drifted from job to job, often spending down to his last few dollars before he was motivated to look for another.

His house is disorganized.  Dirty clothes are strewn everywhere.  The dishes are unwashed.  Mail comes through the slot and stays on the floor.  But his tools are all in order and his books are lined up with precision on his shelves. When things get bad enough, he will clean up the place and make it presentable.  I marvel at this because he has the ability to take apart a car engine and put it back together without a problem.  Yet basic household cleanliness seem so unimportant.

His constant companion is his dog that he loves fiercely.  And he takes care of her with great love and much kindness.  He has never so much as raised his voice to her.  Yet, he has discussed with me the rages that sometimes overcome him when he is frustrated with objects or people.   These melt downs occur without warning.  His fuse is short and he erupts in a tantrum that involves cursing and throwing things.  The melt downs are reminiscent of an 8-10 year old who can't get his way.

I have read that children with ADHD are believed to be at risk for alcoholism because of their impulsivity and distractibility, as well as other problems that often accompany ADHD such as school failure and behavior problems.  My friend started heavily drinking when he was 16.  And his drinking continued to progress until he nearly died. Along the way,  he engaged in risky behavior, bar brawls, multiple DUI's, driving under suspension, and assault and battery with intent to kill. 

Studies have shown that alcohol and drugs are often a way that the ADHD kids self-medicate. They don't fit in well with their peers and are often the trouble makers and cast offs in school.  They begin to realize that they don't think in a linear manner and feel "different" from their peers. Their impulsivity often brings them into contact with others who are also "different" and part of the "cast offs" at school.  This is what my friend did.  He hung with the other bad boys, cut school, drank and smoked dope.  His slippery slope began.  

He has told me that he wanted to be in the Air Force and be a fighter pilot like his dad.  But his father who has a very linear brain told him that he didn't have the math skills to be a fighter pilot.  Teachers labeled him as "lazy and stupid".  His self-esteem plummeted.   After a while he just gave up caring and began to self-medicate and use alcohol as a social lubricant to overcome his deep shyness.

I have encouraged him and have learned to not react to the melt downs that occur.  He is 19 years sober but very much still entrenched in the "isms" of his disease.  I wonder how it is possible to separate the ADD from alcoholism.  Maybe that's not important.  But if you are wondering about anger, lack of ambition, lack of achievement, and disorganization, check out some information on ADHD (or ADD in adults).  I was surprised at what I learned.  Here is a good article that describes a lot of the reasons that those with ADHD are prone to self-medicate with alcohol and drugs.

Hope that you are enjoying this Friday.  I'm off to take a boat load of kids for an educational tour and lecture.  I may be driven to distraction too!

How big is your foot print?

Today is Earth Day.  I am grateful that my parents instilled in me a love of nature.  We didn't know about Earth Day or carbon footprints when I was growing up.  But there are some things that I remember that made an impression even though at the time I didn't realize these were good things.

One of my remembrances was the clothes line.  My mother had a long one and put clothes that were washed by hand out to dry.  I thought that it was uncool when I was a kid to have underwear hanging on a clothes line.  It was a source of embarrassment.  Yet, a few weeks ago my wife and I were talking about putting a clothes line up in the back yard so that we could have sun dried clothes to wear.  It just seems to make so much sense.

My father also never kept too many fish. He would throw back the small ones. And he kept only enough that we could eat or that he could sell to the local fish market. He would explain that the small fish needed to grow and reproduce.

We would walk or ride bicycles as much as possible. I walked or rode everywhere when I was younger. My father car pooled to work with four other men who worked with him. Everything that we needed was within a very short drive or walk of home--grocery store, post office, church, and school.

We used a push mower for many years. And all the clippings were gathered up and used on the garden. The fish carcasses were also buried around the tomato plants to make them grow. We had a huge vegetable garden that kept us in food from spring through fall. My dad even made his own "liquid nitrogen" from mixing horse manure with water and letting it "ferment" in a 55 gallon drum.

We also didn't have air conditioning.  The windows were left open at night and the sweet night air came in.  When it got hot, we used floor fans.

I do believe that if each of us instills the love of nature in children, they will want to protect it. Tomorrow I'll be taking a group of 60 school children for a barrier island tour where we'll talk about Earth Day and what we can do to appreciate all that surrounds us.

Here are some really simple things that each of us can do:
1. Connect with nature by spending more time outdoors.  Learn something about the habitats where you live. Meditate and be aware.  God is in the details that surround us.

2. Grow your own vegetables.  We have a large garden and enjoy growing tomatoes, beans, cucumbers, squash, eggplant and a host of herbs.  Container gardening can be done with small spaces, even on a deck. And the vegetables taste much better from your own garden.

3. Plant a butterfly garden and add some native wildflowers to your garden.  We have a large number of butterflies and bees that hang around.  Pollinating is a good thing.

4. Get more active by walking or biking. Try carpooling or making use of public transportation systems.

5. Recycle as much as possible. We recycle just about everything. Having several compost bins really helps with food wastes that would be thrown out.  And the grass clippings are still going into the compost pile. 

6. Make gifts instead of buying. When I was a kid I made a plaster of Paris hand print for my mother. She treasured it, and now I have it. One year we made grapevine wreaths for people. We didn't have much money in graduate school so it was done by necessity, but now I see that so much consumerism is such a waste and so much ends up in landfills.

There is a good quiz at http://www.myfootprint.org/ . I decided to take the quiz to see where we stand in terms of our footprint. The Ecological Footprint Quiz estimates the area of land and ocean required to support your consumption of food, goods, services, housing, and energy and assimilate your wastes. Your ecological footprint is expressed in "global hectares" (gha) or "global acres" (ga), which are standardized units that take into account the differences in biological productivity of various ecosystems impacted by your consumption activities which are carbon (home energy use and transportation), food, housing, and goods and services.

Basically, we sucked. The results were discouraging. According to the survey it will take 4.5 more earths in order to accommodate my footprint. Even though our footprint was below the average US citizen's footprint by 50% of more, it is still not good. Obviously there is more that we can do.

What do you think that you could do to reduce your footprint (and I don't mean wearing smaller shoes)? 

Enjoy the Earth today. It's the only one that we have.

Men are victims too

"Men too are victims and women too are perpetrators; neither sex has a monopoly of vice or virtue" (David Thomas)

I read Mary's post about abuse .  It made me wonder about gender stereotyping when it comes to abuse.  I have lived a life that is relatively free from violence.  I didn't have beatings when I was a child (my father did hit me with his belt once). My father and mother didn't fight.  But there was an incident when I was a teenager in which my father did hit me and I hit him back.  The only incident that has stuck with me was when I witnessed the result of one woman severely beaten by her drunken husband.  It was a frightening and horrific thing.

But Mary's post made me wonder about the other side of the coin in which men are abused.  I don't believe that any one sex has a monopoly on abuse.  Believing that all men are bad makes about as much sense as saying that all black people are ignorant, all women are weak, and all gays are sick.  These are general stereotypes that unfairly put people into categories that rob them of their individuality and basic dignity.  (Please note here that no where in her post did Mary claim that men were bad, evil or totally violent. I am simply wondering about "abuse" and what it may mean if one is a man and on the receiving end).

I know that abuse may take on several forms.  It may be emotional, psychological, physical and spiritual.  There are people in every part of the world, in all types of families and backgrounds who have been damaged by some form of abuse. And men just like women make up a huge percentage of that abuse.

I have been acutely aware for many years how much power men wield.  There is great inequality when it comes to pay and power.  But this comes with a price.  Men are told from a young age that they have to be the protector, provider, authoritarian, and enforcer.  I heard from my father to "buck up", "don't be a sissy", and to not express my emotions: "Don't cry. That's ridiculous." 

I now realize that those things were a reflection of what he had been told.  They couldn't be further from the truth, yet when repeated over time did cause me to be detached from my feelings.  I learned to hide my tears and to put on an appearance of being strong for everyone.

I was taught throughout my youth to respect all people.  It never occurred to me that a woman could be capable of physical abuse.  Yet, the first time it occurred I was stunned. Who do you tell? It's not a situation where you go to your group of friends and tell them that a woman became so enraged that she was physically abusive.  Do you tell them that she made me cry?  It wasn't thinkable at the time.  So I just stood (or sat) there and absorbed it.  Eventually, I had enough and walked away. 

I have talked to men who don't know how to feel emotionally.  They are very fearful of being perceived as weak.  And because of this they are accused by their partners of being emotionally distant.  But there is a link between the messages that little boys and men get on being strong regardless, and how this conditioning does great harm.

Let me assure you that men hurt too.  The emotions of fear, shame, guilt, and anger are similar, if not identical,  to those of women.  The same character defects that I have were also owned by my wife. There is a major difference though: many men keep their emotions hidden away and stuffed, unless they have been fortunate enough to understand that this is unhealthy and destructive.  I meet men in Al-Anon who are still hurting and who have not yet moved beyond the emotional pain of their past and the restrictive parental messages to a freer and more spiritually fit self.

Being the victim of any type of abuse is painful and difficult to overcome.  There is a lot of denial. The cycle of abuse, especially if it takes place over several years, can make the victim feel powerless and very fearful of change.  It is easy to believe that it is your fault.

It isn't so simple for a man to report abuse.  Men are much less likely than women to talk about domestic abuse to friends and family.  Here are some things that I found:

•  research suggests men are 5 times less likely to report abuse
• In general, only 1-2% of men who are assaulted by their female partners are likely to report the abuse to the police or outside agency
• Men contend with sexist stereotypes when it comes to reporting abuse.  They are thought of as weak and pathetic. 
• Men often don't have the social networks in place to easily tell friends what is happening. It's not easy to sit next to another man and tell him that you are being slapped around by your partner. 
• Men may feel isolated and unsupported, feeling alone and that there is no way out of breaking their silence about abuse.
• Although legally domestic violence laws are largely gender-neutral, that does not mean that attitudes are.

So I wanted to raise a bit of awareness here and offer another side to a very tragic picture.

Fifth step

" For me the exact nature of our wrongs is the unspoken, self-defeating assumptions that give rise to my thoughts and actions. These include notions that my best is not good enough, that I am not worthy of love, and that I have been hurt too deeply to ever really heal. If I dig deeply enough, I usually find thoughts such as these beneath the things I feel worst about. I am learning to examine whether or not there is any truth to these assumptions. Then I can begin to build my life around a more realistic, more loving way of seeing myself." from Courage to Change

I am hearing one of my sponsees fifth step later today.  I find this to be so inspiring--the honor to be trusted to have someone confide in me.  I know that admitting the exact nature of my wrongs to myself, God and my sponsor confirmed that I not only had a lot of good in me but some bad as well.  I knew that after doing my fifth step, I could no longer ask God to forgive me for what I have done but will have to ask forgiveness of what I am about to do. 

I think that the fifth step really kick started the notion that I could love myself.  I realized that I wasn't a bad person.  I was beginning to feel what serenity really is. The journey of trusting my Higher Power and my sponsor became much clearer.  And I came to understand a feeling of humility that led me to much greater compassion and love.  

So we are going to go to the beach, sit on a blanket and just talk.  What a powerful thing to be surrounded by evidence of my Higher Power and to be sharing in the trust of another.

Wedding dress

It was early evening.  The light was starting to fade. The bride was walking along the edge of the water doing her best to keep her wedding dress out of the sand and waves.  Her bouquet of rose buds was held in one hand and her dress held up in the other.

The photographer was still following her, capturing the last of the light and her sillouette as she walked along.  Occasionally she would stop and look back over her shoulder smiling at the camera.

This had been her day.  And the last thing was to have these moments of magic captured by the camera. Her new husband watched as she twirled and danced in the sand.  He had shed his tuxedo for some casual clothes and his pants were rolled up as he walked barefoot in the sand following behind his bride.

On a moment's whim she sat down in the sand.  She arched her neck as the sea streamed toward her, washing over the dress.  The groom was beside her and they both laughed and kissed each other.  Two adults succumbed to the spontaneity of the sea, playing like children without a care in the world at that moment. 

I hope that many years later she will take out the dress, now yellowed with age, smooth its creases with her old hands and find a few sand grains that remind her of that carefree moment in the surf on her wedding day. 

Thousand fold Saturday

It is another glorious morning in paradise.  The photo above is the road that leads to our farm.  The trees have leafed out in a thousand hues of green.  I feel myself unfolding and opening up like a newly formed leaf.  All the week's hectic schedule and late nights are behind me, and Saturday magic has taken over.

I am fortunate to be with my life's partner.  I am fortunate to love and be loved.  I am fortunate that we have made something out of the wreckage that alcoholism wrought.  It wasn't easy.  It required us to let go of what we thought a relationship was and formulate something different.  And in doing so, we gained much more than we had before.

I am glad that we didn't give up on each other.  I remember in graduate school there were those who told me that C and I didn't belong together. We were too different. She was too messed up.  I was too structured.  She was exciting.  I was too captivated. And the litany of advice and negative input went on and on.  Maybe we were star crossed lovers.  But sometime over these years, we found a love that is based on committment. We have had our bad times.  But today we recognize that we fit each other in ways that the nay sayers would not have guessed.

Love is an evolutionary process.  It morphs over time.  And we are fortunate that ours has morphed into something that has many hues, just like the spring leaves that delight me on this Saturday morning.

Another beautiful day

As I drove into work this morning, I stopped a couple of time to photograph the scenery that makes the place I live so beautiful. I've included several of these so that you can get a taste of the place that I call home. 

It is another beautiful day.  I am spending lunch with a new sponsee.  He is a double winner so I agreed to be his temporary sponsor.  I am glad that he has 12 years of sobriety, attends AA regularly, and has an AA sponsor. That lets me know that he is serious about recovery and is likely to be willing to do Al-Anon work.

This afternoon we will head to the boat for the weekend. We want to watch the Blue Angels perform over the Harbor so it may be a weekend that we stay at the marina or perhaps leave to go to the island.  I like the spontaneity of just going with the flow and not having a set schedule.

The rigidity that I used to have has given way to simply drifting with the moment.  I used to be have rigidity because it enabled me to have some modicum of control in an unmanageable life.  It seemed that the only thing holding me together was a schedule. I still show up for commitments such as work and meetings, but my free time is just that--free.

I hope that you enjoy your Friday.

The author of genius does keep till his last breath the spontaneity, the ready sensitiveness, of a child, the "innocence of eye" that means so much to the painter, the ability to respond freshly and quickly to new scenes, and to old scenes as though they were new; to see traits and characteristics as though each were new-minted from the hand of God instead of sorting them quickly into dusty categories and pigeon-holing them without wonder or surprise; to feel situations so immediately and keenly that the word "trite" has hardly any meaning for him; and always to see "the correspondences between things" of which Aristotle spoke two thousand years ago.~ Dorothea Brande

The essence of pleasure is spontaneity.~ Germaine Greer

Flying, Worriers and Orcas

The Blue Angels are in town.  They have been buzzing the city most of the morning, getting ready for their performance over the Harbor on Saturday and Sunday.  I have to admit that I find their aerobatics strapped inside a big ass thundering jet pretty amazing.  Would I want to do that? No way.  Would I want to go for a ride upside down, through barrel rolls, and loop-de-loops?  No way. 

I think that these men (aren't the Blue Angels all men?) must have some extra adrenalin that they need to drain off.  I guess that I'm an "earthbound misfit"  because I don't want to fly planes, jump out of planes, or jump off cliffs with a bungee cord strapped to my body. 


I have a friend who likes to do aerobatic flying.  He asks me to go on occasion saying "Don't you want to live?".  To which I have to say with a vigorous shake of my head,  "Yes indeed I do want to live which is precisely why I don't want to fly upside down, and have heart-stopping G forces clear the plaque from my arteries."  I may actually still be living because I haven't put myself into an array of situations in which I might actually die. Well, except for the deep submersible dives, the jumping of fences with my horse, and driving my car in this town. 

Sadly, I remember that a few of the Blue Angels crashed a number of years ago.  That just about ruined my day. I mean, here they are soaring like...well, angels and then "Kaboom".  End of story. The big finale.  Today as they roared over the building where I work,  I was hoping that the God of my understanding was right there with them because I certainly had a feeling of powerlessness as they roared past. 

I do like a sense of adventure with the emphasis on "sense".  I am not a particularly uber-cautious person.  I'm not overly nervous.  I can't think of too many mainstream things that bother me.  I do know a few people who admit to being afraid of just about everything.  One friend, who is a good guy,  is a real nervous type who bought a home in upstate New York in order to avoid hurricane season.  He still has his house along the coast but suffers from some kind of traumatic stress when the forecasters start talking in February about there being a more active hurricane season this year.  He is hightailing it out of Dodge like a bunny with its tail on fire.

The problem with people who worry about every little thing is that they have to only hear of one rare incident to justify their worrying.  Regardless that there may be a 1 in 5 million occurrence, they know this could actually happen to them. Like the Orca event at Sea World, some people will ask me if I worry about going out on the water and being pulled overboard by a killer whale.  Really...I'm serious here.  I can tell them that Orcas don't live here and not one has been sighted anywhere near where I live.  I can provide them with maps of distribution and various graphs containing statistical data, but it won't make a difference.  I also explain that I don't have a ponytail (anymore). The moment they find one measly article in the newspaper about an Orca attack, they cut it out and send it to C. to read.  It's as if they want to warn her for hanging out with such a reckless person who decides to sleep out on the water because they know that we'll be the next "statistic" to be reported as being consumed by a killer whale.

I'm just glad that my Higher Power goes along for the ride just as He is riding with the Blue Angels today.  

Thoughts

I appreciated your comments yesterday.  The great thing about being in a 12 step program is that nothing stays static. Every day is a new adventure in living. I realize that this is a difficult time for me.  I have worked in this career--it is more than just a job--for a very long time.  I studied hard to achieve the successes that I have made.  And yes, my identity has been tied up in my career.

I think of myself as a scientist. So I suppose it is only natural that there are moments when I confuse the job here with my profession.  The profession and the career can continue if I choose to do so. That is such a comforting thought.  I am not giving up my degrees, my publications, my knowledge or my experience--I am simply leaving this place of employment.  And I can always come back here to study or write and be welcomed.  I liken this to the analogy of  leaving Al-Anon for a while and then coming back.  I will feel comfortable because I know the program and can bet that I will be welcomed with warmth. And so it is with my profession.

So last night, I went to the study group and the meeting afterward.  I thought that the topic of "thoughts" was particularly appropriate.  Thoughts about myself have run the gamut from "you are a great person" to "you are such a mess and a f##kup".  I'm tending to listen a lot to the "good person" part of me more and more.

And that brings me to a great post that Smitty had on her site.  I asked her if I could reprint it here:

Nothing is more important than that I feel good about who I am. Therefore, I am going to do my best to put aside anything but positive thoughts. This means that I will try to think only good thoughts about you. While you may think this is wonderful, there is one catch: I may have to distance and detach from you in order to do this.

If I must distance myself in some ways as I learn to find a positive place of focus for myself, it is my hope that you will not take it personally. From this point on, I will not be able to listen to your fear, your criticism or your anger, as I cannot feel whole when surrounded by negativity. In order to stay in a positive place for myself I am going to detach, with love, from all that is negative around me and focus on only attracting positive things to me.

This will allow me to see things as they really are, for I cannot grow from a place that is full of frustration, anger, despair or feeling overwhelmed, through over-emphasizing the negative.

You may feel that I no longer care or will no longer be there for you. I can assure you that I will be consistently trying to think nothing but positive thoughts for you too. I will focus my thoughts of you on my hope that you get the desires and passions of your life. I will care that you find your happiness and joy. However, I realize that I am not the creator of your joy and that only you can create the things in your life that you want.

If what you want is a sounding board for your miseries or a target for your anger, then I will not be there for you. I am committed to finding joy in my life and wish for us both to thrive. If you choose to join me in accepting life on its terms, and in thriving through difficulties in this new way, I welcome you to be with me, but there will be no room for negativity. If you try to join me in negativity, then I will need to put myself first. If I find myself staying in your negativity, then I know I have some quiet homework to do! Cleaning up my side of the fence may require that I leave the scene and detach with love.

Today I am painfully aware that I cannot be weak enough to make anyone else strong, or sad enough to make anyone else happy, or confused enough to make anyone else clear, or passive enough to make anyone else a leader. I cannot and will not lose me to make a better or more complete you.

I will focus on my own desires and eagerly travel on my journey to finding joy. The measure of my success will be how much joy I attract from others and how much joy I share with others. Can you live with your joy? Then come with me, if not, I will venture forward on my own, hoping we may meet again in a new way.
 

Wishing you a good journey on this day.

When was the last time you danced?

"....to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free
Silhouetted by the sea, circled by the circus sands
With all memory and fate driven deep beneath the waves
Let me forget about today until tomorrow." Bob Dylan

I didn't dance this weekend, although there were a few moments that I felt like it.  The weather was wonderfully refreshing. The sky had a number of diamonds sprayed across it. The beach fire was warm and the sand felt soft on my bare feet.  It was a night for dancing.

I'm not dancing today because I don't feel like it.  I am thinking about a lot of things that are weighing me down, making me feel heavy instead of light. Some of these are dredged up stuff from the past, some are anxieties about today, and some are simply about life's reality and complexity. 

The stuff from the past is mostly about my mother.  There are days when I wish that she were still here. She loved me unconditionally. I don't think that there is a stronger love than a mother for a child.  I know that I wasn't the most patient with her at times, especially when she was depressed or when she began to have signs of mild dementia.  I wanted her to still be the strong vital woman that she was. I eventually came to terms that she was small and old and was leaning on me more and more.  I became the parent to a certain extent.  It is tough to see the winnowing away of those who have been our rocks.

If I could I would ask her to dance right now, a slow waltz.  I am sure that she was dancing those last few days before she died because she told me that my long dead father had come to take her dancing.  I am sure that she was happy with those thoughts.

The anxiety about today stems from my spirit feeling bound and tight.  I am anxious now to move on, to put the work behind me, to stop emptying out my file cabinets and computer.  I feel as if I am attending a badly put together funeral.  And I want it to be over.  The dance music is like a funeral dirge now where it used to be rock and roll.

And life's reality and complexity....well, I am reminded over and over that I have no power to change anyone but myself.  I may not like what others do or say but there is nothing that I can do about that.  The bad choices of others in my life aren't my business.  But if that is so, then where does the anxiety come from when I see the mistakes being made by others?  I remind myself that I can't be the salvation for another.  They have their own Higher Power and I'm not it.  This is a dance that I know only too well.  It's one that has trapped me in the past.  I was caught in its clutches of alcoholism and went round and round with my partner.  I stop and remember that I can choose to sit this one out.   

More Mad Hatter

"I'm late! I'm late. For a very important date!

No time to say hello! Good-bye!

I'm late! I'm late! I'm late!" The Mad Hatter, from Alice in Wonderland

I am feeling like I left myself behind today.  Somewhere back in the country is a tired and somewhat aching body that needs to get going to do some work.  It's Monday once again.  Monday means that I have to get to work, work on more cleaning up of files, and organizing things so that I can pass papers and data on to those who will still be here.  I also have two sponsee meetings today--one at noon and one before I leave for the Al-Anon book study and regular meeting tonight.  

Yet, amazingly this is what happens week after week.  It doesn't make me unhappy or even in a Mad Hatter rush.  It just means that I have my day laid out.  And so when I put my head down tonight and rest,  I know that I have done what I could to be useful, to do my part, to get what I could done, and to not wonder what more I could fit into my schedule.  I don't feel the call of the water today because I am sated from being in the salt air over the weekend.  My muscles are tired from sailing, walking and rowing the little dinghy to shore.  

Yet, I know that within me will be opportunities to be spontaneous.  There will be discussions at work, with sponsees, at my meetings and tonight at home.  I am grateful for the ability to do these things, to be the person I am.  And hopefully the light that I reflect will come back to me with even brighter rays.  

Do you know me?

Hello, have we met before? If not let me tell you a little about myself. I don't share myself with just anyone. I pick only a chosen few who will appreciate me, and then, only if the timing is perfect. I have chosen you. For people like you are very special to me because it is your kind who are perceptive to my many talents. You'll be very anxious to know me better, and as soon as we touch, the physical attraction between us soars. We'll continue our encounter, with me leading you down a path of pure physical exhilaration, and you'll beg for more.

At first our attraction will be purely physical, but you must realize that this is a very important phase of our relationship. Be confident that it will grow into something much deeper. I am. As we get to know each other better, you'll learn to come to me with your problems: For not only will I help you with them, but I will also take away their deep pain. I'll give you the best that I have, and I'll be patient. I'll know, in time, that you will give yourself totally to me.

When you are with me, you'll feel warm and secure. I will ease your mind, soothe away your troubles, and fill your soul with pleasure. With me, you'll feel as if you can conquer the world: As if you have a special key to happiness. You'll enjoy living again. I'll be the answer to your unspoken prayers. You'll soon wonder how you ever lived without me.

As our relationship grows, you'll start to exclude others from your life . . . but that's okay, you know that I can give you all you need. I'll be your lover, best friend, and confidant. I will always be available when you need me. This I will prove to you time and time again, and you'll realize that you don't need others -- when you have someone like me, all others seem inadequate.

So we'll see more and more of each other and decide that it is really impractical not to live together, so we'll make that move. Our life together will encompass many beautiful experiences. We'll do it all together: Swim in the ocean, picnic on the beach, fly kites; and whenever you feel the urge, we'll make love. Our relationship will be devoid of fights or arguments. I'll give myself totally to you, knowing that I'll receive the same in return.

You'll soon realize that you've dedicated your life to me. It will happen before you know it. I sort of take you by surprise, and you'll wonder if maybe you should take some time alone, away from me. After all, people say everyone needs some time alone, even if they are in love. And face it, you are irrestibly in love with me. So you vow to take some time alone, even though you really don't want to.

You'll start to spend the day in solitary adventure, doing something you've always wanted to do, after a few hours though, you'll find that you're not really enjoying yourself, and realize that you miss me more than you ever thought you could. You'll feel a terrible empty void without me and think about coming back home. It makes you a little angry that you didn't keep the promise to yourself, but you rationalize that you don't have to come back home, but rather you just want to. The whole way home you tell yourself that if you really want to spend the day alone, you could -- you just don't want to.

When you walk through that door, it will fill my heart with pleasure -- for I'd been hoping that you wouldn't spend the whole day without me. You'll come running to me, and I'll take you in my arms and hold you so tightly that it becomes a bit painful, but you won't mind. Though you won't see my face as I embrace you, I'll have a very satisfied smile. For it's the moment I have been waiting for. I've got you right where I want you. You now have no choice. You cannot live without me and I'll love it!

It's precisely at this point that you cease to be my lover and become my victim. You see, my ultimate goal is to murder you, and I have begun to do just that. But my methods are slow. I can do it slowly because you won't be able to leave me even though you know that I am killing you. That's the joy of it; the beauty of it! You will make a choice to die, and you'll let me do it.

Do you recognize me yet? You should . . . for you see, this relationship has already taken place between you and I. We are intimately acquainted, and now, I am patiently waiting for you to come back to me. I will follow you and wait for you wherever you go. I can wait forever -- for you see, I am your drug of choice.
_______________________









I watched these children on the beach today. They are so innocent and carefree. They were eating their peanut butter and jelly, collecting shells, and squealing as they splashed in the water.

In my mind I said a prayer of hope that they won't know the ravages of addiction. Every alcoholic and drug addict was this innocent. It tore at my heart a bit.

Not racing

I am sitting on this beach watching the sun slowly descend. There is a campfire going and enough breeze to keep the gnats away.

I'm waiting on some friends to come to shore on their dinghy. They have a couple of children who will enjoy roasting marshmallows over the open flames.

This is a God inspired time. A wave will pass by, made by a dolphin. The tide is going out so they are cruising the shore looking for a hapless crab or a wayward fish.



We left the marina this morning before the racers got to their boats. They are a different sort, filled with adrenalin and a fierce competitiveness. A few stopped by to say something nice about my boat, although it was obvious that we were set up for recreational sailing.

We watched the flotilla of boats heading for the ocean as we were sailing at our moderate speed. I wished for them a safe race as the winds were blowing hard this morning.

I am in my Saturday frame of mind: just feeling easy. So I'll leave you with this thought:

"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will find them gradually, without noticing it, and live along some distant day into the answer. "
~Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

Guardian of the animals

St. Francis has been standing watch over the animals here for a long time. Many of the stories that surround the life of St. Francis deal with his love for animals.

It is said that, one day, while Francis was traveling with some companions, they happened upon a place in the road where birds filled the trees on either side. Francis told his companions to "wait for me while I go to preach to my sisters the birds".

I believe that the little statue in the garden is symbolic of the live that we have for all the creatures here on the farm. There is an opossum that comes to feed at night from the seeds dropped by the many birds that come to the feeders. Bobcats and deer roam the woods. Snakes, turtles and frogs enjoy the wetland near the house. Every creature lives without fear of us harming them.

It would be great if we could live in harmony and respect as described in the following prayer:
"You created the world to serve humanity's needs and to lead them to You. By our own fault we have lost the beautiful relationship which we once had with all your creation. Help us to see that by restoring our relationship with You we will also restore it with all Your creation. Give us the grace to see all animals as gifts from You and to treat them with respect for they are Your creation. We pray for all animals who are suffering as a result of our neglect."

Inspiration

I am looking for something inspirational to write today.  And my mind is just a blank.  So I thought that perhaps the best topic to write about would be inspiration and what gives it to me.  Here are some thoughts:

• I am inspired when I do service work and pass on the message of the program to others.  I am delighted to see the "light bulb" go on when someone gets the message and understands. 
• I am inspired by nature and the beauty that surrounds me.  What a gift to be able to work in a field where I have seen and done so many things.  And how inspiring it has been to see these wondrous things.
• I am inspired by kindness and compassion.  I know it when I see it.  It never ceases to make my heart and mind soar. 
• I am inspired when a "God shot" comes my way.  Those are the moments when I truly know that no matter what I do, all is well and going according to a Higher plan.  There is pure bliss in my heart and soul at those moments.
• I am inspired when I see the program in action whereby integrity, honesty, serenity, and God's grace are present. 
• I am inspired by newcomers who have the courage to want something different than the lot that they have been accepting.  They have decided to get out of the trap of living with alcoholism and begin the work to set themselves free.
• I am inspired by people who overcome diseases and disabilities by moving forward without self-pity and complaints. 
• I am inspired by my dogs who love me unconditionally.  That is a rare and wonderful kind of love. 
• I am inspired by those that I love.  They are in my life for a reason.  They teach me about so many things. 

What do you find inspiring in your life today?  

Pictures, Pollen and Service = Muchness

I want to go out and play today.  I simply don't want to be sitting at a desk behind a computer and going through file after file that will be put on the server as a cache of my work here.  Instead I want to go to the beach, flop down and wiggle my bare feet in the sand.

I took a few photos this morning of plants and trees leafing out.  The pollen has almost finished the annual ritual.  Reproduction has literally been in the air here for weeks.  Pollen contains the sperm cells that are floating to land on the pistil or female part of plants. No wonder the saying is that "love is in the air".

Tonight I will be out on the water rowing.  It will be a small crew tonight, but the weather looks to be fantastic for a good row with enough wind to keep the gnats away.  This is Race Week so there will be many sleek racers around with bright spinnakers aloft.  I am also going to look at a 36 ft. Cape Dory tonight as I begin my search for a suitable long-range cruising boat.  This fills me with some trepidation since I am unsure what C. will think about sailing the coast for a month or so.  It feels like an adventure to me but I won't make the decision unilaterally.

Last night we had a group conscience meeting about the "step study".  It was an informative meeting.  I am volunteering to help finish up the book Paths to Recovery that discusses the steps, traditions and concepts.  I posted on the steps and traditions before but have not studied the concepts.  I realize that they are important in guiding service that we do in Al-Anon but like the steps and traditions, are valuable in relationships with others.  This will be a challenging and exciting opportunity to understand the concepts and apply them in my life. As always I will rely upon my sponsor, readings, and my friends here and in the fellowship to make suggestions about the 12 concepts of service.  

I hope that you are enjoying your day.  I am filled with a lot of "muchness" today.  I may lose it tomorrow but today I'm plum filled up.

You used to be much more..."muchier." You've lost your muchness. The Mad Hatter

Excuses

Here are some excuses that I have heard lately:

1. I haven't called in two weeks because my parents were in town (not a minute to spare for anything else)
2. I haven't been to a meeting in a month because I've been working my ass off (Funny, it didn't look any smaller to me)
3. I don't think I need to make amends because I didn't do anything wrong. (yep, it was all done to you, right?)
4. I don't like ____________ because he has a weird way of looking at me.  I think that he is judging me. (Who's zoomin' who here?)
5. I have been practicing self care and that means I get a lot of sleep, take time for the beach, and some fun activities.  I haven't had time to fit in a meeting. (this may be related to "working my ass off")
6. I thought about calling you, but I was so busy.  (may be related to nos. 1, 2, and 5 above)
7. I am wary of having to go to a number of meetings and do certain things because it feels too much like a cult.  I don't want to be told what to do. (Maybe I would rather do no. 5 instead)
8. My life is unmanageable lately, and I can't figure out why.  It must be all the things that are going on in my life right now.  (could be related to no 2!).  
9. I'm sorry that I am 30 minutes late for our meeting.  I was getting a massage and lost track of time. (relates to no. 8 + I didn't think that your time was important so I got the massage anyway). 
10. I wanted you to meet my parents when they were in town, but they said that they wanted me all to themselves. (related to no.1).

I'm sure that many of you have heard these and more.  I have to smile (with slightly upturned lips) at the imaginative ways that sponsees have of making excuses.  And sometimes I have to bite down very hard on my tongue and will my vocal cords to stop when I hear the "why I can't do", "I tried but",  and "I didn't do" reasons.  But mostly I listen and nod my head.  It isn't my business to be the enforcer of their program.  I am simply a conduit for the twelve steps.  When a sponsee tells me that he is willing to go to any lengths, I believe him.  Sometimes the lengths seem to stretch into miles though. 

I must give this program first priority in my life, remembering my spiritual progress comes as a gift, not as an achievement. from Touchstones

Why I keep coming back

On of the fundamental principles of Al-Anon is "In order to keep it, you have to give it away."  There are many times that I have late night meetings, have a difficult time with sponsees, get emergency calls at all hours, and give up a lot of free time.  I sometimes want to take the easier, softer way and miss meetings.  Yet, I keep coming back.

I have found that this is a program for living. I know that the more years I attend, the better I will be at living life on life's terms.  I have seen great changes in others and can feel the changes within myself.  I can go to a meeting and will hear exactly what I needed to hear at that moment. I learn the value of mistakes when I really start to listen to other people. When I sit at a meeting and share with others, I find myself admiring those people who can admit when they have problems and are seeking a solution.  I see the courage that it takes to work this program.  I find humility in myself and others. It isn't weakness or glumness, but simply our humanness.

This program of recovery has given so much to me.  My sponsor has been there since the beginning. Now, I can give back what has been so freely given to me.   And by being apart of this program, I give of myself, yet get back something far more valuable in return.

The consequence of coming, keeping and open mind, applying the steps, traditions, concepts, slogans, philosophy, literature and suggestions from my sponsor is that my life is much less reactive and more appropriately responsive to events that go on about and around me, in the rooms or not. If the truth is that those who have come from the disease and suffered the most have done so because of inappropriate and unacceptable choices and behaviors, then I don't need to have unreal expectations that they are going to immediately be okay because they are at a meeting.

Here are some things that I have decided to do in order to get what I need from meetings:

• Be the change I would like to see in the meeting.

• Keep the focus on myself

• Share my Experience, Strength and Hope and keep an open mind.

• Let go of expectations and Let God.

• Adhere to the Traditions myself

• Be of maximum service

 I am learning through my sponsees to carry the message and work the steps over and over.  In order to be of maximum service,  I had to understand the message that I carry: "I too was sad, lost and in need of help. I have had a spiritual awakening and found a new way of life. You also can find a new path to happiness."  

My wish for those who are new is that this program can be what you make it.  Like most things in life, I get out of something what I put into it.  I have found that what I put into Al-Anon recovery,  I gain ten fold in return.  My hope for those who find their way to a meeting is that they take away what they like and leave the rest, honor themselves on this journey, and be fully present on the path to recovery. Some may find another path to spiritual growth.  No one says that any one method is the answer.  But so far for me, I have found that the lessons I have learned in Al-Anon are enormously useful.

Easter morning

It is a beautiful Easter morning here. I am heading back to the marina so that we can have lunch with family.

This morning I thought about how most of us have been resurrected in some fashion: many near death, some wishing for death to end suffering, and some to just live a better spiritual life. I believe in second chances.
Wishing you a peaceful Easter.

Guess who's for dinner?

The crabbers were out early this morning working their pots. There was a pot just off my stern. When they came by to fish it, I asked them to sell me a half dozen Jimmy (male) crabs. I also saw some stone crab claws in the boat and bought a pound of those.

We are going to have a good lunch of fresh seafood. It is befitting this beautiful day of bright sunshine, warm temperatures, and low winds. After breakfast we are going for a long walk on the beach. There should be plenty of shark's teeth.

I'll leave you with a joke for my blogger friends from Texas, California and Colorado:
Three guys go into a bar: a guy from Dallas, a guy from San Francisco, and a guy from Boulder. They drank and got a little rowdy. Suddenly, completely without warning, the Texan grabbed a bottle of tequila, unscrewed the top, took a good swig, and threw the bottle into the air. He then jerked a Colt .45 pistol out of his pocket and shot the bottle, spraying tequila all over everything and everybody.

The patrons at the bar shouted, "Hey, bud, why'd you waste that tequila?"

The Texan said, "Heck, it's just tequila. Us Texans go across the border all the time and get all the tequila we want."

Not to be outdone, the Californian whipped out a corkscrew and uncorked a bottle of wine. He poured some into a glass, swirled it, sniffed, commented on the tart insolence of its bouquet, sipped, tossed the bottle in the air, nicked it with a round from a silly little chrome-plated pistol, and showered a couple of patrons at the bar with wine.

The patrons, upset by the casual waste and general lack of concern for their safety, expressed their displeasure and astonishment, to which the Californian replied, "Well, I'm from Napa Valley, and we have more than enough wine where I come from."

The Boulderite, a quiet observer up to this point, touched the crystal hanging from his neck, adjusted his Birkenstocks, flipped back his ponytail, put down his guitar, and borrowed a bottle opener from the bartender. He popped the top off a bottle of Fat Tire beer, hammered it back, threw the empty bottle into the air, pulled a 9mm Beretta, took careful aim, shot both the Californian and the Texan, and caught the falling bottle.

The patrons screamed in utter disbelief, "Why'd you do that?"

The Boulderite replied, "I'm from Colorado. We've already got too many Texans and way too many Californians, but glass bottles, now those can be recycled!"

Acceptance is the answer

Barbara had a comment on yesterday's post that I wanted to address.  She wrote:
"This party is a one time event...the LAST party you will every attend with these people. A party for YOU. She is saying she won't go because she's not comfortable around those people, but what about you? Doesn't it matter how you feel? Can't she consider giving up one night to discomfort to stand by her man at his retirement party?"

This was an excellent comment.  It made me realize how far I have come with my recovery.  I did feel some pangs of disappointment when C. didn't want to go, but I understood.  I accepted her answer.  And I felt no resentment.  I think about what the Big Book says about acceptance:
And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.

By accepting that I don't need to change another person, or brow beat them until they do what I want, I keep my serenity.  By admitting that I have no power over the decisions of another or situations that are baffling, then those things hold no power over me. Accepting the decisions of others doesn't mean that I have to agree, like it, or ignore it.  It simply means that I am powerless to make someone do what I want.  I just accept that.  It is reality and not fantasy. 

By accepting that I can make some decisions and take action about what I'm going to do, then I start living life in an active way.  This is such an important lesson for my recovery.  If I give in to wishing that things were different, or start asking the self-pitying "why me?", then I no longer have any serenity. 

Barbara was worried that I might be angry at her comment.  Contrary to being angry,  I feel much closer to Barbara because she was honest in what she asked.  She wrote from her heart.  That is another gift of this program. When I write or speak honestly without a mask, then I have stopped being a counterfeit person who tries to please others at my expense. 

I am making this a Good Friday here. 

The lone coyote

I was sitting in my car at the marina the other night.  I had gone down there after my 8 PM meeting ended and the ice cream social time was over.  I sat in my car for a while and looked out at the harbor with all the lights.  There is always some cargo ship coming or going to the port.  These behemoths fascinate me.  I day dream quite a bit about where they have been and where they might be going. 

Sometimes, but not too often, two ships will pass each other.  But mostly there is a single shape outlined by lights moving silently toward its destination.  And so it happened that I was looking at the outline of a ship passing when I saw her.  She was air scenting and wary, moving cautiously towards my car.  She was in good shape, not thin or starved looking but soft and healthy.  With every tentative foot fall, she crept closer.

Finally, she stopped about 10 feet from the car.  I could see her eyes and her nose quivering.  Her fur was grey and clean.  At first, I thought that she could be a dog but quickly realized that I was looking at an animal which I have only seen on my island recently.  This lone coyote had made it to a marina resort and was standing in the glow of lights from the city.  I think that I quit breathing for a few minutes.  I knew that any motion would make her run off.  I felt a sense of wonder, tinged with sadness and dread.

I wondered whether she had pups or whether she was just a lone coyote hoping to find some scraps of food or to dig through the trash barrels at the marina.  I wondered where her mate was.  I wondered how long before she would be hunted and perhaps killed or trapped.

I have not been in a good place today.  I have been thinking about the single ship traveling on a voyage, the lone coyote in the parking lot at the marina, and my own tendency to go it alone, suffering in silence.  I found out yesterday that there will be a retirement party for a group of us who are leaving service.  I immediately felt a stab of fear and sadness.  I wondered whether I wanted to go at all.  Last night I asked C. if she would go with me to the party. She said that she didn't want to go because she didn't want to see "those" people. Funny, I knew the answer before I asked her.  There are people here who C. has a resentment toward. C. left without any kind of party because she simply didn't want to have anything done for her.  She is a lot like the lone coyote too, moving tentatively and with every intent of flight when things become too uncomfortable. 

I don't want to go to this party alone.  And I immediately began to think how others would have their family members there, and I would be alone. I could feel the self-pity rising inside, and I became that little kid who was left out.

So I asked C. again this morning, and she again said that she didn't feel comfortable going. I am turning that over to my Higher Power. But I am also taking some action. I've asked my sponsor and another good friend to go.  And perhaps I'll ask a few others to go as well, such as old colleagues who have also retired. I don't want to be the lone coyote.  I want to go and say farewell without any resentment.  I don't want to have expectations of how it will be but just be accepting of what is.