Happy Birthday Mother

Today is my mother's birthday. She died peacefully at age 96 in 2005. Last year I posted a lot about her on this blog. I'm not going to repeat that here.

I know that the journey we had together was a good one. Our relationship was based on respect and unconditional love. Even though my mother isn't with me today, I remember her smile, her laugh, her wisdom, her intellect and her love.

First Things First

Last night at the step study meeting, my sponsor shared that things were a bit overwhelming at the moment. He has something coming up that is making him a bit anxious. His comments reminded me of the slogan First Things First.

That means to me:
I can take one thing at a time. And not overload myself with multitasking.
I can complete one task at a time and do that task with a sense of accomplishment and peace.
I can take one step at a time, one problem at a time and one day at a time.
I only have to do something for this day and not think about doing a task for a lifetime.
I can relax and be calm. Things get done when I choose to get them done. I don't have to be urgent. I can calmly decide to take one thing at a time.

"Unlike animals, we complicate what is very simple. The pain we face is never fair, so we need not waste time trying to understand the justice or injustice of it. Our problems may seem large or overwhelming from today's perspective. By tomorrow or next month most of them will be resolved in some way, and we may not even remember them. Our spiritual path teaches us to do first things first each day and not fret about the outcome. We turn outcomes over to the will of God." from Touchstones

I'm not trying to figure it out

There are lots of good books for those interested in Al-Anon. I have three daily readers that I go through in the evening. For some reason, I prefer to end my day with the readings. It's the quietest time of the day for me and the time that I have to myself. The readings seem to help me get to sleep peacefully.

I have most of the Al-Anon books: Pathways to Recovery, How Al-Anon Works, and Opening Our Hearts, Transforming Our Losses. But I don't think that I would have gotten much from this program by just reading the books. I've had to learn the program by doing it and following what others taught me.

I am glad that I was willing to listen and to learn. I am grateful for being able to take the program one step at a time. I was eager to not just read about the program but to work it. And gradually by doing what I was told to do--get a sponsor, work the steps, take my inventory and make amends, pray to do His will, and carry the message to others--I am finding that I can live the program and apply it to my every day life. That's a really comforting thing.

Sunday early

It's a beautiful day here. I won't be on the boat because it is in the boat yard now. But I may be able to get a good long 5 mile row in. It looks like the weather will cooperate for that.

I am appreciative of comments about my cousin and his wife. They live in Virginia which is far away from me. Fortunately she has a sister who lives close by her. And they both have friends who come over to help. Hospice was there for a while as well as occupational therapy. She does go out occasionally but thinks that he doesn't do well unless she is there. I will keep making suggestions to her about support groups, ant-depressants for her and him, and detaching with love. I hope that she listens.

Life feels good at the moment. I have nothing pressing on my mind. So here's what I'm grateful for today:

• Friends and fellow bloggers who share their experience, strength and hope
• That life has cut me a break many times and now I know that wasn't just coincidence
• That my SO spent a week away at a meeting and didn't have any desire to drink
• That I have enough sense (finally) to be grateful for those things that I took for granted for so long.
  

Wishing you a peaceful Sunday.

How to deal with this?

I have a cousin who has become disabled due to surgery from a brain tumor. He is alive two years after diagnosis of the most deadly of brain cancers. According to statistics, he should be dead.

Even though he can now stand and is beginning to converse a bit better, he also rages and curses at his wife. He is demanding and uncooperative. He also cries and is scared. He is now feeling depressed. He has threatened to give up, saying that he won't get better.

Now his wife is feeling despondent too. She has devoted the last two years to him. And when I write "devoted" I mean it literally. She has taken him to appointments, fed him, changed his diapers, given him medication and so on. But what is most telling is that she has given up herself for him. He is her universe. She said that last night he was yelling at her to feed him at 1:30 AM when he had already had dinner at 8 PM. She has gotten about 3 hours of sleep a night for the last week.

Maybe it is just the brain tumor causing this behavior. But maybe this is also about his self-pity and manipulations around that. It all sounds too familiar to me: The idea of sacrificing oneself for another who doesn't appreciate what is being done for them. It seems like enabling to me. And when I last visited them, I wanted to tell her to take some time for herself. And today, she finally admitted that she can't take the situation anymore. She said that she thought about crawling in bed with him and just dying too.

So I asked her if she had considered that by doing everything for him, he might not need to cooperate or do anything to help himself. And had she considered that by taking care of herself and getting some rest, the whole situation might be better. H.A.L.T.

I have never had to take care of anyone to this extent so I may be off base here. But it seems to have similarities to the alcoholic relationship in which one person enables the sickness of another by overdoing. If anyone has any experience on dealing with individuals with disabilities, please post some thoughts. Sometimes I think that I see everything through the 12 steps and perhaps they don't apply in this situation.

Marriage

I want to share with you what Kahlil Gibran writes about marriage in ‘The Prophet’.

“You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when white wings of death scatter your days.
Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together, yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.”

I used to think that I needed to be intertwined in a relationship. That I wasn't complete without the other person. I know that was the result of years of insecurity from childhood fears of abandonment and fear around the alcoholic.

It's nice now to know that I have an identity that has freedom and happiness without all the old fears. I know that it has been much better for my relationship. We stand together but can enjoy being who we are. And that has made each of us much happier.

Enjoying the day here and all that it has to offer.

Wired up

I don't have much time to post today. I have to work on the boat this morning and then go to the noon meeting where I've got the topic.

Regarding the boat, the electrical wiring of the mast is taking a bit more time than I thought. The rest of the lights are fine but I'm adding an anchor light and a top all round white mast light. Progress hopefully will be made today on it. I'm not much on electrical stuff so a friend is helping out.

The noon meeting topic is going to be keeping the focus on ourselves. That's something that I need to remember how to do more often than not. I can lose focus on me if I'm not careful. Sometimes it seems that I focus on myself so much that it's selfish. Anyway, it will be good to hear what others have to say.

Have a great day. I'm off to focus on electricity first.

Giving and taking

Taking the boat out of the water turned out to be a piece of cake. It was the flat tire on the trailer at the boat landing that put the wrench in the works. I had a hydraulic jack but it didn't lift the trailer high enough to get the tire off. Luckily, a couple was at the landing and offered a hand. They were sleeping in their car because both were down and out.

The fellow had the jack that I needed, and he offered to take me and the tire to a nearby service station to get some air put in. He told me that he and Jenna his girlfriend were sleeping in her SUV until they got back on their feet. They were going to drink beer, watch the water and spend the night. I wondered whether he might be an alcoholic.

He said that he didn't have enough money to buy gas so I have him the ten bucks that I had in my pocket. I wish it could have been more.

I've known that when my sympathies get the best of me, I want to give to people. I don't want to see anyone hurting. Learning to be a healthy giver is somewhat of a challenge for me. That's because I can get caught up in too much giving that is motivated by uncharitable feelings of guilt, shame, obligations, and pity.

In relationships with people, I either gave too much or too little. In either case, I was confused because my life and relationships weren't working.

Emotionally, I gave a lot for a long period of time and decided that giving too much resulted in resentment. I had to learn through the program that I needed balance. I wanted to make sure that my caring for another was motivated by a true desire to give, with an underlying attitude of respect for others and for myself.

I had to ask myself:
Am I giving because I want to or because I feel responsible to?
Am I feeling an obligation, guilt, shame or superior?
Am I afraid to say no?
Am I just wanting people to like me?
If I assist others, am I really enabling and thereby preventing others from facing their true responsibilities?
Am I giving because I want to and it feels right to me?

I have learned in recovery to choose what I want to give, to whom, when, and how much. And I'm not talking about material things here but emotional giving as well. I don't always get it "right" yet I know that recovery includes both giving and receiving. I have to inventory my actions to decide if I'm giving in healthy ways. It takes time to learn to receive and have gratitude. I know that balance will come as I continue to work the program.

Tradition Four

I like the Traditions because I see them as a way to not only have a functioning group but functionality in my personal life. Tradition Four speaks to autonomy as a group and autonomy in our personal lives.

For me, the hardest part of this tradition is maintaining autonomy in a personal relationship. I have to work at keeping the focus on myself. I like the idea of people working together in unity but also maintaining their own interests. Coming from an alcoholic marriage, I could often want too much "togetherness" and that is confining and unhealthy.

Autonomy doesn’t mean you don’t need the other person, but it means that I don't give up who I am to be in the relationship. I can maintain my goals, desires, and dreams but also respect and support the goals, desires, and dreams of another and allow them to be who they are, not who I want them to be. I think that this makes a healthy relationship.

In Al-Anon meetings, it's important that each group not be a carbon copy of the other. I like individuality with the groups. In some birthdays are celebrated, in others there are speaker meetings. What I think makes Al-Anon special is the way that we can each express our thoughts without fear of criticism, interruption or gossip. We can in short be ourselves within Al-Anon.

Failure fatigue

A sober friend of mine has told me that he feels that he is a failure. At 45, he thinks his only accomplishments were those things that he did when he was a kid. And after 17 years of sobriety, I reminded him that it was an accomplishment to have gotten sober and stayed that way. I hope that he heard me.

I'm grateful today that I realize:

• my accomplishments are more about my character than how much money I've made.
• how fortunate I am to have accomplished just being myself
• I'm not trying to get anyone's approval anymore
• by getting honest I've come to respect myself more than ever.

The hopeful man sees success where others see failure, sunshine where others see shadows and storm. --O. S. Marden

Late on Sunday

I had a fairly productive weekend. The electrical system on the boat is up and running. That was a good accomplishment.

The regatta was busy and somewhat crazy. There were over 150 new boats at the marina and many were rafted up and tied to one another. Many sleek J boats and Melges.

I missed a roundup this weekend that I enjoyed last year. Just too many things to get done here. And I feel a little down about it since I think that it would have been inspirational to have heard the speakers. My sponsor said that the Al-Anon speaker was excellent. I really like going to round ups where there are inspiring speakers and mini-meetings that offer a lot of choices. I come away feeling as if I'm glowing.

On a light note, I did take time to go see the Scorcese movie Shine a Light that is a documentary of a Carnegie Hall concert by the Rolling Stones. Don't miss this movie if you like rock music. It is great. The energy of Mick Jagger is staggering. Some of the best concert footage that I've seen. People were clapping and cheering in their seats as if they were really there.

I'll get around to visiting you tomorrow. Hope that you all had a good weekend.

Communicating

I received a call from a sponsee last night telling me that he didn't think that we communicated very well. He has decided to not have me as a sponsor. This took me by surprise because we have only met three times. But I told him that was fine and wished him well with continuing in the program.

I had to inventory myself after the conversation because my ego felt bruised. I knew what was happening in my head and realized after giving it some thought that this wasn't about me. I also realized that sometimes people simply don't mesh, even if I was clueless to the not meshing part.

I did point out to him that it's important to find someone with whom he feels comfortable because the sponsor-sponsee relationship is one of give and take, listen and learn, and above all trust.

Later in the evening there were panicked calls from another sponsee who is breaking up with a girlfriend. I listened and shared what I could identify with. The final call came at 1:15 in the morning which I didn't answer, knowing that my boundary was no calls after 11 PM.

These individuals have been my first sponsees. I'm learning that sponsorship makes me aware of how important it is for me to practice acceptance and detachment as well as other principles of the program.

I'm okay with it all today. I realize from having the luck to have B. as my sponsor that none of us will ever be perfect. He has shown me that we are only human and inspired by our HP to be supportive, compassionate, and a listener with experience to share.

I'm just glad that it's Friday. And that I can do some work on the boat this weekend while the racing regattas are going on. The Harbor is filled right now with colorful spinnakers on boats that are tacking back and forth. It's hard for me to concentrate on work instead of looking out the big picture window that overlooks the boats moving past.

Happy Friday to each of you.

Do what you can

It is the greatest of all mistakes to do nothing because you can only do a little. Do what you can.
--Sydney Smith

I have read that we use all of our brains. The old myth about only using 10% is just that, a myth. But maybe it is true that we never fulfill all of our potential with what our brains can do. I know that I am undoubtedly capable of doing far more than I think I can. There are some days that I simply either don't want to do a task or don't want to finish what I started.

I've always been motivated to tackle projects. But sometimes things don't move as quickly as I want. I've had to remember in this program of recovery that even if only a little is done, that is good enough. None of this has to be done in a day and it actually may take a life time of work. I'm grateful for the reminder that I get when I talk to sponsees who are fearful. Their actions remind me that as long as I am doing what I can, then I'm making progress. I've progressed with honesty and been able to let go of a lot of fear.

It took years to get to the point where I became willing to even admit that I had a problem. The solution to the problem is in working the program. And with the help of the program and my HP, I now know what I have to do. One day at a time, faithfully do a little at a time.

Whew...

I told my story last night and greatly enjoyed it. My focus this time was on the 12 steps and what they have meant for me in recovery. I did provide biographical information as well but have found that focusing on my pain and suffering isn't what I want to talk about. Instead I want to talk about what happened to me to bring me to Al-Anon and how I've worked on my recovery.

I was happy that my sponsor was there. And I know that I wouldn't have gotten where I am today without such a compassionate and knowledgeable person. I am grateful, very grateful:

• That I have had the benefit of what this program offers and have been willing to accept being taught
• That I trusted what I saw at meetings and what my sponsor told me
• That I won't "graduate" from Al-Anon but have made a commitment to it as a way of living
• That I will always be a work in progress
• That I know myself better than before I started this program
  

"We are like many-faceted gemstones. Each side represents a different aspect of us. We have our emotional sides with different feelings and responses. We have our competencies and strengths, hopes and desires, destructiveness and negativity, self-doubts and resentments. We also possess a drive for power and knowledge, a desire to serve, and a wish to connect with others.

We need a working relationship with our thoughts and feelings so they can be appreciated, accepted, and understood. When we tell our story in a meeting, we let others know us, and we get to know ourselves better. When we are spontaneous in what we say or do, we communicate with ourselves. " From Touchstones

Telling my story

I'm going to tell my story at a meeting tonight. I don't think that it's a particular dramatic story. And maybe because of that, people will be able to identify with it. It's pretty much your run of the mill story of a person who has been affected by alcoholism for an entire life. I decided this time to focus more on the process of recovery through the steps. That to me is the real "meat and potatoes" of the program.

One of the interesting things that I ran across in my reading is a list of the primary characteristics of adult children of alcoholics. I found that I could identify with many of these:

• Guessing at what normal behavior is--I never really knew what normal was, other than what I surmised from books.
  
• Having difficulty following a project through from beginning to end--never had trouble with this.
  
• Lying when it would be just as easy to tell the truth--not something that I did chronically
  
• Judging themselves without mercy--oh yes...
  
• Having difficulty having fun--I did have fun but also restricted the fun that I would have.
  
• Taking themselves very seriously--definitely
• Having difficulty with intimate relationships--sometimes
• Overreacting to changes over which they have no control--I never liked changes
  
• Constantly seeking approval and affirmation--definitely
• Usually feeling that they are different from other people--all my life
  
• Extreme responsibility or irresponsibility--mostly responsible to a fault
  
• Extreme loyalty, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved--definitely
• Impulsivity - tending to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsivity leads to confusion, self-loathing and loss of control over their environment. In addition, they spend an excessive amount of energy cleaning up the mess--I've been known to be impulsive at times.
  

From going back over my past, I can see that many of these characteristics were acquired during childhood. And add to that a long-term marriage to an alcoholic, it isn't hard to see how unmanageable my life was. It's now comforting to see as I think about my story just how far I've come. There's still a ways to go, but every day is a new opportunity to practice what I've learned.

Taxing time

I had a great weekend. I spent Saturday and Sunday on Compass Rose. Saturday's sail was not easy because of strong winds. I couldn't get where I wanted to go so had to anchor behind the bird rookery for a few hours. Then a miraculous shift in the wind occurred, enabling me to sail to my destination.

There were campers on the island and I met a few of them. Nice people who seemed to care that the island be maintained in its current state. I hope that it will be because it's one of the last undeveloped large islands near the city. In a time where every conceivable piece of property seems to be the target of developers, it's nice to have a place that is still wild but within proximity to the city.

I sailed back on Sunday after a good breakfast and a walk on the beach. I wish that I could have stayed longer but taxes were calling. They're done and ready to be mailed today. My wife and I owe around $7 K for Federal. It seems that if you make money, you owe money. Such is life. I'm just glad that I'm able to pay them.

Tonight's my home group meeting. I'm looking forward to that. This afternoon, I'm going to take annual leave and work on staining book cases for the library. We're almost done with the library and I should be able to post photos soon.

Anyway, have a great Monday. Take it easy and enjoy what the day offers. I'll catch up with you later.

Small craft warnings

I'm going to go sailing today but will have to watch the weather as there are small craft warnings out on the harbor. It can get a bit dicey, and I may have to just use the jib. Too much sail area can sometimes cause a shroud to pop. I may sail up one of the rivers and see if there is more protection there. I'll likely decide when I get on the water.

But I'm just glad to have it be Saturday. It has been a fairly good week but a tiring one. I think that the late night meetings and the hour long drive to the country afterwards cause me to be sleep deprived.

I often wish that there were more Al-Anon meetings in the area. But then I know that there are places that don't have any and people have a long drive. I am grateful to have at least a choice of one to go to every day of the week if I want to do so.

Because it's Saturday, I got to sleep in until 7:00 which is a rare event for me. I hope that all of you enjoy your weekend whatever you're doing. And maybe just take some time to loaf a bit. And observe the birds, the sky and maybe the last little bit of cool weather.

I loafe and invite my soul, I lean and loafe at my ease observing a spear of summer grass.
--Walt Whitman

Late night phone calls

I wanted to sleep in this morning. In fact, I did sleep in until 6:30 AM. I got a call after midnight and could see from the id that it was a sponsee. It was the fellow who hasn't called in over a week. I decided to let the answering machine pick up. He said that he was in financial trouble but was going out of town to attend a wedding of his cousin. He said that he would call me when he got back in town next week.

I feel a bit guilty about not picking up but also wondered what the deal was about his "financial trouble". I actually had a thought that he was going to ask me to loan him money. I think that I need to establish a calling ground rule with this sponsee: to not call me after a certain hour unless it is critical.

Maybe I also need to review what a sponsor is and what a sponsor isn't. I'm not a loan agency. I don't feel inclined to loan sponsees money. Tradition Seven of being self-supporting through our own contributions comes to mind. It's something for me to ponder and deal with when he comes back to town.

In the meantime, have a great Friday. And a good weekend.

Rowing parallels life

It was a great evening for rowing last night. We had a team of six rowers and got up to a good speed of 6 knots with the wind and the tide. It's much easier to row with the current than against it. And when the seas get choppy, it helps not to dig in too deep or you may not be able to get your oar out of the water for the next stroke.

It's interesting how rowing parallels life. You can exert a lot of effort and never get far by yourself because the elements are against you. But if you have a good coxswain and a good team, you just might be able to get on a different course and work together to make some headway. And just like in rowing, in order to succeed at something in life you need to put yourself in the race.

I'm grateful today for:

• Learning that team work is important
  
• Not always going with the flow
• Having a choice to drift or steer
• Knowing that while responding to another, I need to maintain my own center of gravity
• The headwinds that require strength and endurance

It's a great art, is rowing. It's the finest art there is. It's a symphony of motion. And when you're rowing well, why it's nearing perfection- And when you reach perfection, you're touching the divine. It touches the you of you's which is your soul. -George Pocock

Just Do It

I was so tired last night that I didn't go to the 8 PM Al-Anon meeting but opted to go to bed. I generally meet with two sponsees starting at 6 PM until meeting time. Since I hadn't heard from either of them, I decided to just go home.

The one fellow hasn't contacted me since last Friday. I called him on Monday evening but haven't heard anything. The other sponsee called last night and said that he was avoiding having to work on the written part of Step One that looks at past and present behavior. My thoughts are that avoiding the work just prolongs the pain. So I told him to think about the Nike commercial that says, "Just Do It".

Going back over past events in relation to alcohol can be painful. But I found that if I didn't look at my past and current reactions to the alcoholic, I would be repeating those behaviors without changing. Yesterday's reading in Courage to Change pretty much sums up why it's important to look back at my past:
"There can be great value in examining the past. It can offer information about the present, as well as clues that might help us make changes for a better future......

Still, it is important to remember that the past is over. We are powerless over what has gone before. Although we can take steps to make amends, we cannot change the fact that we have harmed others. And we cannot change the fact that others have harmed us. We have only the power to change this present day."

Fourth month, fourth step

My home group meeting last night was on Step Four: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. We talked about the willingness to inventory ourselves in order to make progress in recovery.

When I did my inventory for Step Four, I did feel pain as I relived reasons for resentments that I felt. And it was hard to acknowledge that my attitudes had alienated me from others and from myself, as the person that I wanted to be. It was hard for me to realize that I had many positive attributes.

One of the things that we did last night was to talk about being willing to acknowledge the positive things about ourselves as well as the negative. It was hard for some of the members to list many positive things. Most of us tend to concentrate on our character defects. We are more comfortable emphasizing what's wrong with us.

But a moral inventory means the right and wrong things. Add to that the idea of being fearless and the inventory becomes a powerful and beneficial thing. As long as I'm willing to examine my strengths, weaknesses, self-destructive behaviors and aspects of goodness, I can begin to change for the better.

I think that the foundation of the first three steps is critical in doing an inventory. I had to face my powerlessness and the inability to manage my own life before I did the inventory. And I turned to my belief in a Higher Power who could restore me to sanity as I worked Step Four.

It was important that I left nothing out as I did Step Four. I had to be honest and get rid of my denial about what was hurting me and others. The purpose of Step Four is not to make ourselves feel worse, but to begin to remove those things that block out joy and love.

I've come to accept that I have good and bad traits. I know that there is a beast within. But I'm not afraid or fearful of those parts of myself that are untamed. I like my spirit, energy and vitality. I like that my beast can let go of complicated thoughts at times and just enjoy simple pleasures. I guess that I don't have much desire to be a castrated angel.

If not for the beast within us we would be castrated angels.
--Hermann Hesse

The funeral

Photograph by Takaaki Iwabu

I have to write about the funeral for Miss Margaret. It was on Saturday. The AME church was packed. I was honored to be asked to reflect on her life. I did my best to convey in words what a great lady she was.

What I want to say here is that there was an amazing spirituality about the service. It wasn't like the Episcopal church services that I used to attend. I have thought for some time that I was among the "frozen chosen" at those services. But this service was so different. It was a "Homegoing" service. Homegoing refers to the transition the dead make in leaving one world for another.

For one thing grieving outwardly is encouraged. And dancing and clapping of hands in a joyous celebration is encouraged. The choir sang gospel songs and the soloists had incredible voices. There were 12 ministers there and everyone had a powerful message and was an orator. It just seemed that I could feel the spirituality present in that church. My mind was totally focused on what was happening and not on anything else. It was an uncommon moment.

I walked out of that church enveloped in a bubble of peace. I felt that I had witnessed something very powerful. The grieving was outward, obvious and without restraint. It was a ritual, long practiced in this part of the coast. It's as if the funeral anguish becomes a venting of the community's broader grief.

Do you like Saturdays?

It's my favorite day of the week. I've equated Saturdays from the past with cartoons when I was a kid. Getting up to watch those AM cartoons and western movies. It used to be party night for me when I was in college and graduate school. It also used to be a date night when I was in high school. And sometimes it wasn't a good day when the alcoholic was drinking.

But now Saturdays are a day that I get to have some time off. I get to choose what I want to do. And for today I am choosing to do these things:

• Give a good Homecoming to a great lady who died last week
• Get out on the water of course
• Start to replace wiring on the boat
• Do a little guitar practice
• Get to bed earlier than midnight
  

There are a lot of things that I used to try to cram into my Saturdays. I don't do that anymore if it can be helped. Saturday isn't supposed to be a day of catch up but a day to wind down.

Friends through amends

Yesterday afternoon I received a call from the first person I made an amends to. The story of our friendship isn't remarkable. We had a lot of good times together and then egos got in the way of things.

I had mentored him on a project. In subsequent years, he began his own work. And when he asked for my opinion on something that he was doing, I gave it. He didn't like the answer and let me know it. I harbored a resentment about what was said and basically dropped communication for a couple of years.

So when I made the amends, he said that he had missed the friendship and the fun times that we had. So yesterday, he called to ask me to meet him for dinner since he was in town on business. We got together and had a lot of laughs. It was great to be able to talk about what we are doing now and what plans we each have. He is continuing on with his business, and I'm planning to retire in a couple of years. It was a nice few hours spent in comraderie.

It's great how this program works: to put aside bad feelings and step up to a resolution of our differences. And by doing the amends, a different bond is made and a new knowledge is gained.

"We must be willing to make amends to all the people we have harmed. We must do the best we can to repair the damage done in the past. When we make amends, when we say: 'I'm sorry,' the person is sure at least to be impressed by our sincere desire to set right the wrong. Sometimes people we are making amends to admit their own faults, so feuds of long standing melt away. Our most ruthless creditors will sometimes surprise us. In general, we must be willing to do the right thing, no matter what the consequences may be for us." --Twenty-four Hours a Day

Aware of Ego

One of the topics that I've been reading about and that has come up in a recent meeting was how ego can keep us focused on our pain. Here are some things that I've read about being ego-centered:

• Ego-centered people don't love themselves. They become ego-centered to overcompensate for the fact that they don't love themselves.
  
• Ego does nothing for anyone else without expecting something in return. Ego-centered people are constantly striving for the next achievement or the next pay-off so they can feel self-important. The reality is that they are not "self" important.
  
• Ego-centered people may actually dislike themselves and are very busy being ego-centered in order to hide their true feelings of self-hatred.

The opposite of being ego centered is being spirit-centered. We no longer Edge God Out. Instead, I become more grounded in the present and live with the trust in my HP. It essentially comes when I have my head and my heart in alignment. I'm not relying on my HP when I use my mind to project fear disguised as bravado and confidence. Instead I'm trying to control people, places and things because I have no trust that anything will go well unless I exert control. When the ego is in charge, I have a fear of loss that results from false thinking that if I don't control my universe and everything in it, then I will lose those things that are dear to me.

In order to trust, I have to listen to what I feel in my heart. If I no longer am run by my ego, then I become more open to all kinds of opportunities for growth and can begin to experience love, joy, and serenity.

If I can come to recognize when my ego is controlling me, then I can choose to let go of it. For me, Step 10 is an ego buster. I become aware of when my ego is in charge and I admit when I'm wrong. I examine what I am doing, acknowledge that I am acting out of fear, pride or the other many ways that ego manifests, and then try to get my head and heart in alignment.

This isn't easy for me because I have used the ego and it's products of fear and control for a long time. It's really a hard and sometimes scary process. I've always trusted my mind to figure things out and not listened to my heart because my intellect overpowered it. Now through this program, I'm learning to feel rather than let thinking run everything. By doing so, I am no longer separating myself from others or from my HP.

"Most of the so-called bad things that happen in people's lives are due to unconsciousness.....they are self created, or rather ego-created...."drama". When you are fully conscious, drama does not come into your life anymore....the basic ego patterns are designed to combat it's own deep seated fear and sense of lack. They are resistance, control, power, greed, defence, and attack. Some of the ego's strategies are extremely clever, yet they never truly solve any of it's problems, simply because the ego is the problem itself." (The Power of the NOW by Eckhart Tolle p150)

Miss Margaret

I wrote about grieving and loss of relationships yesterday. Today I have a loss that I want to write about. The loss is the death of Margaret Gray Johnson or as I affectionately called her, "Miss Margaret".

Miss Margaret came to work as a housekeeper here about 12 years ago. My wife and I talked about spending every Saturday cleaning and how it would be good to have someone come in and do it. There's where Miss Margaret came into our lives.

She lived on the island and owned the Baby Grand, one of the few juke joints around. She was a wonderful lady in the truest sense of the word. When she came in, she brightened up everything.

I never felt completely at ease with the idea that she was an African-American woman who cleaned for us. At first it was done to ease my conscience, so I would fix a great lunch for Miss Margaret and then sit down with her at the table and just talk. It wasn't long before I looked forward to those meals together because of our friendship. My wife would generally have to tell her several times that lunch was ready because when Miss Margaret got started with cleaning, she didn't want to stop.

I think that Miss Margaret enjoyed life, even with it's hardships. She worked hard at what she did and took pride in the fact that she did a good job and people respected her. She lost her beloved daughter Ruby to breast cancer. Ruby had a bad time with the disease and it finally took her. I went to the funeral and know how hard it was for Miss Margaret to lose her child.

After she retired, I continued to visit with her on holidays, sitting in her kitchen and smelling the food cooking on the stove. She always cooked for more than just her family. I'd take her cakes, a ham and cookies or something special for Christmas. The last time I saw her was this past Christmas. She was happy to see me, even though her health had gone down. She was hooked up to oxygen because of emphysema and had high blood pressure. She talked about maybe coming back to work. I told her that she could come visit anytime that she wanted but that I thought she had earned her retirement.

I know that Miss Margaret wouldn't want anyone to be sad but would want everyone who knew her to rejoice in her life and celebrate it. I'm doing that even as my eyes tear up. Till you're better paid, Miss Margaret.

All kinds of losses

I had the meeting topic last night. I had thought about a topic but decided to change it after I received a call from a fellow Al-Anoner. He was dealing with some painful feelings around changes in a relationship. So I went with a reading from the new Al-Anon book Opening Our Hearts, Transforming Our Losses about loss of a relationship.

I know that alcoholism has affected my life in lots of ways. And there have been feelings of grief and loss. Maybe I only felt the anger though and didn't recognize my feelings as being those of grief.

I don't think that many of us know that we are grieving what has happened in our relationships with an alcoholic. I masked my grief in many ways but I ultimately felt the pain and gave in to it.

After my father died, I read the book on Death and Dying by Elisabeth Kubler Ross. She indicates that the grief process includes five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, sadness, and, finally, acceptance.

Maybe it's because I'm a scientist, but it gave me some comfort to read that grief was a process. And that eventually I would be able to accept my loss and move beyond the grieving.

With the alcoholics in my life, I don't think that I really got to the acceptance part until I went through the steps. I came to realize that alcoholism is a disease and that the alcoholics didn't purposely want to hurt anyone. I had been stuck in the anger, bargaining and sadness phases of grief for a long time.

And there are still moments where I experience feelings of loss in recovery. I've changed in many ways from the way that I used to be. That can generate uncertainty, especially in the dynamics of a relationship with another person. It may be that I'm changing and the other person isn't. Or perhaps that giving up the character defects that I had lived with for so long can bring on self-doubt and a feeling of loss.

But I can see that the Twelve Steps provides a program for dealing with grief and losses. As I'm learning to accept and forgive, then I can feel happiness and love.

"There are as many nights as days, and the one is just as long as the other in the year's course. Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word 'happy' would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness."--Carl Jung